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"True" military stories :)

If you know any good military stories, please mail me, or post them in the forum.
They don't have to be completely true, as long as they're good...... :)
You can also find a lot more funny military stories in the forum.

Have experienced something funny during your time in the military??
Post your best/funniest military stories in the forum.

Other: Jokes 1 - Jokes 2 - Jokes 3 - Jokes 4 - Humor 1 - Humor 2
- Funny Quotes - Al-Sahhaf - Murphy's Law - Military Cartoons - Military Jokes Forum


The purpose of Side Boy Honour Guard aboard military ships

In today's military, we have many unique customs. What is not realized is that what is now custom formerly had a real purpose. Take the use of Side Boys to welcome a ranking visitor aboard a military vessel. It is the task of assigning two, four, six, or eight men to line both sides of the gangplank based on the ascending rank of the officer visiting the vessel, with two being assigned for ensigns and Lts, up to eight for admirals and above. More rank, more honour guard, right? But this system originally served a darker purpose....

this custom came from the British Navy of the 17-18 century. back then, men did not often have the luxury of walking on to their ships: most had to transfer from a small boat to the larger ship by Ladder, or by a device called a bosun's chair, which was essentially a seat attached to a yardarm by a block and tackle. Here where the relevance comes about: the younger and less rank you had, the lighter you were. thus, a light midshipman or LT needed only two men on the haul rope, while a long endurance and often very stout Admiral, having eaten everything and then some over their forty year careers, tended to need eight men to pull them up. additional jobs, such as availing themselves to steady the person after getting them to the deck, and helping with the persons luggage and other dunnage they would bring with them, also necessitated a required number of hands based on their weight or amounts of belongings collect throughout the years.
Thanks to: Mr. Conley

The Whole 9 Yards..

The term "the whole 9 yards" came from W.W.II fighter pilots in the South Pacific. When arming their airplanes on the ground, the .50 caliber machine gun ammo belts measured exactly 27 feet, before being loaded into the fuselage. If the pilots fired all their ammo at a target, it got "the whole 9 yards."

Another explanation is this one:

British Frigates of the 19th Century had 27' masts.
The ship speed was controlled by the amount of sail raised.
To achieve full speed, the 'whole nine yards' was hoisted.
This usage of the word is in the QM's book from one of the few ships that fought at Trafalgar
*and* the Nile - pre-dating WW2 by 150 years.



Radio Interview with General Reinwald

This is an exact replication of National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster, and US Army General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?" 
GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting." 
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?" 
GENERAL REINWALD: "I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range." 
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?" 
GENERAL REINWALD: "I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm. " 
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "But you're equipping them to become violent killers." 
GENERAL REINWALD: "Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you? "

This is fiction. According to NPR no such interview ever took place. But it's a good story anyway.... :)

U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln and the lighthouse

This is based on an actual radio conversation between a U.S. Navy
aircraft carrier (U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln) and Canadian authorities
off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. (The radio
conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on
10/10/95 authorized by the Freedom of Information Act.)

Canadians:  Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to
avoid collision.

Americans:  Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the
North to avoid a collision.

Canadians:  Negative.  You will have to divert your course 15
degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans:  This is the Captain of a US Navy ship.  I say again,
divert YOUR course.

Canadians:  No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.


Canadians:  This is a lighthouse.  Your call.

Did you ever get this story by e-mail??? :)
This is fiction, read the
Official US. Navy denial here

"The Balls of a Brass Monkey"

"In the heyday of sailing ships, all war ships and many freighters carried
iron cannons. Those cannons fired round iron cannon balls. It was necessary
to keep a good supply near the cannon, but how to prevent them from rolling
about the deck? The best storage method devised was a square based pyramid
with one ball on top, resting on four resting on nine, which rested on
sixteen. Thus, a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small area
right next to the cannon. There was only one to prevent the
bottomlayer from sliding or rolling from under the others. The solution was
a metal plate called a "Monkey" with 16 round indentations. But, if this
plate were made of iron, the ironballs would quickly rust to it. The
solution to the rusting problem was to make "Brass Monkeys." Few landlubbers
realize that brass contracts much more and much faster than iron when
chilled. Consequently, when the temperature dropped too far, thebrass
indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannonballs would come right
off the monkey. Thus, it was quite literally,
"Cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey".

According to the United States Navy Historical Center, this is a legend of the sea without historical justification. 
The center has researched this because of the questions it gets and says the term "brass monkey"
and a vulgar reference to the effect of cold on the monkey's extremities, appears to have originated in the book
"Before the Mast" by C.A. Abbey.  It was said that it was so cold that it would "freeze the tail off a brass monkey."  
The Navy says there is no evidence that the phrase had anything to do with ships or ships with cannon balls.


USAF Maintenance Logs

Some (supposedly) actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews...
(source unknown)

Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."

Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."
Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."

Problem #1: "#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid."
Solution #1:"#2 Propeller seepage normal."
Problem #2: "#1, #3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage."

Problem: "The autopilot doesn't t."
Signed off :"IT DOES NOW."

Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."

Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
Solution: "Evidence removed..."

Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."

Problem: "Dead bugs on windshield."
Solution: "Live bugs on order."

Problem: "Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent."
Solution: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground."

Problem: "IFF inoperative."
Solution: "IFF inoperative in OFF mode."

Problem: "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick."
Solution: "That s what they re there for."

Problem: "Number three engine missing."
Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."

Here is a verified one:
Flir (Forward Looking Infra-red) not operational.

Found the On Full Force(OFF)switch in the On Full Force position.
Flir will not work in that mode

the request was submitted by a LtC.After reviewing his closure
information he came to the shop and asked where the On Full
Force(OFF)switch was located so he would not make the same mistake twice

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