Ranks your at or the Rank you want

The news article:

From the Hereford Times dated 28/1/21.

“A 22-year-old soldier (name withheld) from the Parachute Regiment, temporarily stationed at the Credenhill Base, on Special Forces selection, was arrested by a female Police officer who found the soldier fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of a field on Callow Marsh, Hereford at night.

The soldier appeared at Hereford magistrates court today, charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour in a public place, public indecency and being drunk and disorderly.
Giving evidence the accused explained that he was passing a pumpkin patch whilst walking on his way home from a drinking session at Saxty’s Wine Bar when he decided to stop to urinate in the field.

The soldier went on to say that he walked over to the side of the field and noticed the pumpkins, so he picked out one that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need. When asked why he had started to carry out the sexual act with the pumpkin, the soldier stated ‘I guess I just really got into it’ he gave this answer to the Court without evident embarrassment.

Prosecuting solicitor, Mr. Jones told the court that; “In the process of doing the deed, the soldier failed to notice an approaching West Mercia police car on rural patrol and was unaware of his audience until WPC Brenda Taylor approached him “It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said WPC Taylor. 'I walked up to the soldier and he was just humping away at this pumpkin.' WPC Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached the soldier.

I said, “excuse me sir, but do you realise that you're having sex with a pumpkin?”

He froze in the beam of my torchlight and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said, "A pumpkin? shit! is it midnight already?”

The court (and the judge) could not contain their laughter. The soldier was found guilty only of being drunk and disorderly and fined £50.00 and sent on his way. The Hereford Times wrote an article describing this as "The best come-back line ever."

The MoD spokesperson stated that the soldier has since returned to Colchester”