Here's another for you all to laugh about!

My wife is always finishing my sentences for me.

I bet Chris Huhne wishes he had married her now.

I wish he had as well.
 
I said to the wife " get up stairs & get your knickers off".

"Are you going to shag me?" She asked.

"Dont be daft" I said "the lads and me are going camping tonight and we need a tent".
 
I confronted a man in the pub earlier.

"My wife says you've been looking at her all night."

"Sorry mate," he said, "I didn't realise it was your wife."

"It's not that," I replied. "When was the last time you saw an optician?"
 
My wife had an emergency operation today that resulted in her having to have her mouth stitched shut..

Well it was more of a procedure I guess, seeing as I'm not actually qualified..
 
My wife asked me to pop to the shops and get something to make her look sexy again as she was feeling down.

I got myself 8 cans of Super Tennents.
 
My girlfriend asked me if I wanted to try some role play in the bedroom last night.

So I told her to act like her sister.
 
My mate Dave asked me, "Why are you looking so happy?"

"The wife has had one of those procedures done at the hospital today that puts a smile on most men's faces," I replied.

"Ah", he said. "Breast enlargement or a fanny tuck?"

"No", I said. "Post mortem."
 
My wife said "When you have gone, what would you like to come back as?"

"As pissed as I can be" I replied getting my coat.
 
My wife used to say she wished I could be more like her father.

She soon changed her mind when she got home from work one day and caught me f**king her mum.
 
My wife developed breast cancer and told me her doctor suggested a double mastectomy, so I went online to see if there was any alternative.

Tracy, 36, from Newcastle looks a good one.
 
"If you were an animal," Said my wife, looking up from up from her magazine. "What kind of animal would you be?"

"Definitely a lion, King of the beasts." I replied.

"What about you?" I continued, "What breed of dog would you be?"
 
My wife said "Honey, whisper something in my ear that makes me feel like a woman."

"Your tits are starting to sag, and your parking is s**t." I replied.
 
Can't work out the rules of this parenting lark.

I chase my little girl around the park and I'm hailed as a great Dad.

I chase someone else's and suddenly I'm a vile monster.
 
Me and my girlfriend split up because we were in different places in our relationship.

I was at her sister's.
 
I phoned my wife today and said, "Pack a bag dear, I've booked us into a hotel for a few nights."

"Ooh, why's that?" she asked.

I said, "Well I've been playing poker all day, havent I!"

"Really?" she asked again in excitement, "How much have you won?"

"Nothing," I replied. "I've lost the house."
 
I was having sex with this girl at my place last night when I decided to try and spice things up a bit:

"Put this on" I said, handing her a blind fold.

"Awww a little bit kinky are we?" she purred, "too naughty for my innocent little eyes?"

"Ha ha! You're a smart girl" I laughed, mounting my video camera onto the tripod.
 
I'm just about to perform my first ever acting role on TV and I'm a bit nervous.

I just hope I can convince the press and media I had nothing to do with my wife's disappearance.
 
Revenge is a dish best served cold.

Unless my wife's had something to do with it...

Then it's always served burnt.
 
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