Here's another for you all to laugh about!

My doctor said he'd like to apologise for prescribing me Viagra that didn't work.

He said, "No hard feelings?"

I said, "We've established that. Where's the apology?"
 
Jesus dies and they call it 'Good Friday'.

It's a bit like when my mother-in-law passed away. That was a 'Fantastic Monday'.
 
My girlfriend and I were at a party and people started calling me a paedophile because I'm 28 and she's 18.

So we left, because I figured "I'll be damned if I let them ruin our 10th anniversary."
 
Shortly after my wife died, I went to a funeral home to enquire about the costs involving the matter.

They asked for £1700 for the coffin, £200 for the service and £450 for the cemetery plot.

"This is ridiculous!" I said, "This thing will almost end up costing me more than having her killed."
 
I asked my wife if she would allow me to film her having sex with my mate yesterday.

She said, "Well if its going to turn you on and its what you really want, then I will."

After I'd finished filming her having sex with him she said, "Did you get what you wanted then?"

Yeah," I replied. "Our divorce settlement is this Friday."
 
After discussions in parliament, the government have decided what to do with the old BBC television centre.

The British Museum of Paedophilia opens June 2014.
 
When police officers went to arrest Rolf Harris, he asked "What am i being arrested in connection with?"

The arresting officer did a quick sketch of a childs arsehole and said "Can you tell what it is yet?"
 
Men rape girl, 14 on bus in Glasgow.

Sounds like after a freezing cold winter they are getting ready for an Indian Summer.
 
My missus said she was thinking about getting a discreet tattoo done.

I said to her "You should shave off your pubes and replace them with a tattoo of a plate of sausage, egg and beans and a mug of tea"

"Why would i want a tattoo like that?" she asked.

I replied "Well, it might compliment the fact that your c*nt lips look like a pound of undercooked bacon rashers."
 
Went to the bathroom this morning & noticed the biggest s**t i've ever seen lodged in the toilet.

"Did you leave that there?". I shouted to the wife.

"Yes. It wouldn't flush" she shouted back.

"And you wont do ****?" i asked.
 
It's been a bad week for people with beard and glasses. First Rolf Harris arrested. Then Richard Griffiths died.

Got my fingers crossed for the wife's mother.
 
Despite my arguments to the contrary, my wife reckons her driving is getting better.

"I managed to get the car into the garage without your help today," she said.

"I know," I replied, "But you're supposed to open the f**king door first!"
 
Rolf Harris arrested in the savile investigation?

I doubt it's the first time he's regretted doing Two Little Boys.
 
My wife hates it when I say, "You're just like your mother!"

Actually, she hates it when I say anything during sex.
 
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