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Funny Military Quotes #2
Humorous Quotes

Go to Funny Quotes Page 1

I can't guarantee that these funny quotes are correct or true,
but I have tried to verify as many of the funny quotes as possible.
Please contact me if you find any errors in the humorous quotes,
have some additional information about the funny quotes
or if you know any funny military quotes that's not listed here.
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Enjoy the Humorous/Funny Quotes!
Funny Quotes, Alphabetically listed

"The Lord God is my Armour!"
- Gustavus Adolphus, refusing the steel body armour offered by his aides. 
At the Battle of Lützen (where he was killed), 16. September 1632.
 The reason he didn't want to wear armour is that he had been wounded in Dirschau, Poland,
and couldn't wear armour because of that wound.
He refused to stay in camp despite that he couldn't wear armour.

"We trained very hard, but it seemed that every time we were beginning to form into teams we would be reorganized. I was to learn in this life that we tend to meet any situation by reorganizing. And a wonderful method it can be for creating the illusion of progress while producing confusion, inefficiency, and demoralization." 
-Wrongly attributed to Petronius Arbiter, Roman hedonist, about 60 A.D.
It is not found anywhere in his works. The earliest known occurrence seems to be in the British occupation force in Germany after WWII. The quote is believed to be a fabrication from this time.

"I'd rather go down the river with seven studs than with a hundred shitheads"
- Colonel Charlie Beckwith

"We ain't making no goddamn cornflakes here."
-Col. Charlie Beckwith, founder of Delta Force

"Tanks are easily identified, easily engaged, much-feared targets which attract all the fire on the battlefield. When all is said and done, a tank is a small steel box crammed with inflammable or explosive substances which is easily converted into a mobile crematorium for its highly skilled crew."
- Brigadier Shelford Bidwell

"War is God's way of teaching Americans geography."
 - Ambrose Bierce

"I do not like this word "bomb." It is not a bomb. It is a device that is exploding."
French ambassador to New Zealand Jacques le Blanc, regarding press coverage of France's nuclear weapons tests in the Pacific

"Give a man fire, and he'll be warm for a day, light a man on fire, and he'll be warm the rest of his life"
-Staff Sgt. Timothy A. Breen

"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait. "
- A. Whitney Brown

"Diplomacy - the art of saying `Nice doggie' 'til you can find a stick."
- Wynn Catlin

"We have gained a valuable insight into the Russian soul.
It will be most educational - if we don't die of it"
- King Charles of Sweden said while seeing the Russian countryside burning all around his army (and right before Poltava)

"My only fear is that the Zulu will not fight"
- Lieutenant-General Lord Chelmsford,
commanding British forces, just before the invasion of Zululand.

"The truth is sometimes so precious that it must be surrounded by a bodyguard of lies"
- Sir Winston Churchill

"It was my goose that always laid golden eggs; and never cackled"
Winston Churchill (about the code breaking at Bletchley Park)

"This is not the end, nor is it even the beginning of the end, but it is the end of the beginning"
Winston Churchill (after the victory at El Alamein)

"Gentlemen, we are being killed on the beaches. Lets go inland and be killed."
- General Norman Cota: Omaha Beach, 1944

"We are outnumbered, there is only one thing to do. We must attack!"
- Admiral Andrew Cunningham, 11 November 1940. 
Before attacking the Italian fleet at Taranto

"Army: A body of men assembled to rectify the mistakes of the diplomats."
- Josephus Daniels

"Onward we stagger, and if the tanks come, may God help the tanks."
- Col. William O. Darby, U.S. Rangers

"We are going to find a solution to the Middle East conflict as soon as the Arabs agrees with us.."
- Moshe Dayan, Israeli Minister of Defense during the Six Say War (1967)

"If your bayonet breaks, strike with the stock. If the stock gives way, hit him with your fists. If your fists are hurt, bite him with your teeth"
- General Mikhail I. Dragomirov, "Notes for soldiers" 1890.
(Monty Python, "The Black Knight" anyone?? :)

"Ma droite est enfoncée, ma gauche cède - tout va bien - j'attaque"
"My right has been pushed back, my left is giving way - Excellent - Now I attack!"
"Hard pressed on my right; my left is in retreat. My center is yielding. Impossible to maneuver. Situation excellent. I am attacking. Attaquez!"
   - General Ferdinand Foch (to General Joffre during Battle of the Marne)
From Liddel-Harts book "Reputations"

"It take 15,000 casualties to train a major general.
- Ferdinand Foch

"When you men get home and face an anti-war protester, look him in the eyes and shake his hand. Then, wink at his girlfriend, because she knows she's dating a pussy."
- Attributed to General Tommy Franks
Also Attributed to US Marine Major General James Mattis as he addressed
the Marines of 1st Marine Division prior to commencement of
combat operations in support of Iraqi Freedom.

"The Ruhr will not be a subject to a single bomb. If an enemy bomber reaches the Ruhr,
my name is not Herman Goering; you can call me Meier!"
- Reichsmarshal Herman Goering, 9 august 1939.

"War is hell, but actual combat is a motherfucker."
- Colonel Dave Hackworth's response to a reporter's attempt to interview him about a battle

"I never trust a fighting man who doesn't smoke or drink."
- Admiral William Halsey

"Which brings me to perception. Some of you may remember Commander General Conway's speech before we left Kuwait, he mentioned those who don't support us. To quote him he said: ‘Piss on them'."
- Lieutenant Colonel Piers Hankinson, commander of the 2nd Royal Tank Regiment

"The day of parachute troops is over"
- Adolf Hitler, after the heavy losses suffered by the airborne units on Crete in 1941

"The people in the Navy look on motherhood as being compatible with being a woman."
Rear Admiral James R. Hogg

"The Iraqi people are capable of fighting to the victorious end which God wants... the blood of our martyrs will burn you!"
- Saddam Hussein, August 1990.

A member of Lee's staff rode in to harpers ferry after Jackson had taken it for the second time. The rider jumped from his mount and said "General, General McClellan and the army of the Potomac is 15 miles away, and it would be advisable for you to cross into Maryland, and meet up with the main body at Sharpsburg." Jackson, not looking up from the ground, did not acknowledge the rider. The rider re-mounted, and turned to leave when Jackson, still not looking up from the ground asked "Is there a train and a herd of cattle following them?" The rider replied "YES sir." Then Jackson said "I can whip any army with a herd of cattle following them."

"Once you have them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow"
- Lyndon B. Johnson

"We're Marines! We took Iwo Jima! Baghdad ain't shit!"
General Kelly, First Marines, on proceeding to Baghdad

"The atom bomb will never go off, and I speak as an expert in explosives."
- Admiral William Leahy to President Truman
before the first atomic bomb was dropped on Hiroshima.

"My rule is: If you meet the weakest vessel, attack; if it is a vessel equal to yours, attack; and if it is stronger than yours, also attack…"
- Admiral Stepan O. Makarov (1849-1904)

"All you have to do is go down to the bottom of your swimming pool and hold your breath."
David Miller, US DOE spokesperson, on protecting yourself from nuclear radiation

"This is the epitaph I want on my tomb: "Here lies one of the most intelligent animals who ever appeared on the face of the earth."
- Benito Mussolini

"Why should Irishmen stand with their arms folded and their hands in their pockets
when England called for aid?"
Sir Thomas Myles in Dublin, regarding the Boer War

"You're planning to make a ship sail against wind and tide by lighting a fire below deck?? I don't have time to listen to that kind of nonsense!"
- Napoleon, about Robert Fultons plans to make a Steamboat.

"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version."
Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony 

"Paper-work will ruin any military force"
- Lieutenant-General Lewis B. "Chesty" Puller

"Just drive down that road, until you get blown up"
- General George Patton, about reconnaissance troops

"I'd rather have a German Division in front of me than a French one behind."
- General George S. Patton

"Why in hell can't the Army do it if the Marines can. They are the same kind of men; why can't they be like Marines. "
- Gen. John J. "Black Jack" Pershing, US Army; 12 February 1918

"We're surrounded. That simplifies the problem."
- Lewis B. "Chesty" Puller, USMC
(I have found three versions of this one)

"All right, they're on our left, they're on our right, they're in front of us, they're behind us...they can't get away this time"
- Lewis B. "Chesty" Puller, USMC

"They are in front of us, behind us, and we are flanked on both sides by an enemy that outnumbers us 29:1. They can't get away from us now!"
- Lewis B. "Chesty" Puller, USMC
When the Marines were cut off behind enemy lines and the Army had written the 1st Marine Division off as being lost because they were surrounded by 22 enemy divisions. The Marines made it out inflicting the highest casualty ratio on an enemy in history and destroying 7 entire enemy divisions in the process. An enemy division is 16500+ men while a Marine division is 12500 men.

"The Libyan army is capable of destroying America and breaking its nose."
Muammar Qaddafi

"My fellow Americans. I've signed legislation that will outlaw Russia forever. We begin bombing in five minutes."
President Reagan, before a scheduled radio broadcast,
unaware that the microphone was already on

"We should declare war on North Vietnam. . . .We could pave the whole country and put parking strips on it, and still be home by Christmas."
- Ronald Reagan, 1965

"Never underestimate the power of world domination!"
- 1. Lt. Rekve's solution to all the problems in the world.

"Men are basically smart or dumb and lazy or ambitious. The dumb and ambitious ones are dangerous and I get rid of them.  The dumb and lazy ones I give mundane duties.  The smart ambitious ones I put on my staff. The smart and lazy ones I make my commanders."
- Attributed to Field Marshal Erwin Rommel,
on how he selects officers for staff and command.

"We’re not running out of [fixed] targets. Afghanistan is.”
-Donald Rumsfeld, Oct. 9, 2001.

"They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist...."
- Major-General John Sedgwick, 9 may 1864.
Killed by a sniper during the battle of Spotsylvania.

"When the military man approaches, the world locks up its spoons and packs off its womankind." 
- George Bernard Shaw

"Hit the other fellow, as quick as you can, and as hard as you can, where it hurts him most, when he ain't lookin'."
- Sir William Slim

"The Pope! how many divisions has he got?"
- Stalin
In 1935, a French visitor asked Soviet leader Josef Stalin if he thought Pope Pius XI might prove to be an ally.

"Tell my son Josef that he will meet my divisions in eternity."
- Reply from the Pope when he heard the story years later.

"In war I would deal with the Devil and his grandmother"
- Joseph Stalin

It takes a brave man to be a coward in the Red Army
- Joseph Stalin

"There is no room in war for delicate machinery." 
- Archibald Wavell, British general

"If we come to a minefield, our infantry attacks exactly as it were not there."
- Marshall Geogi Zhukov to General Eisenhower, 1945

During 2001 the IDF preformed large scale operations in the west bank.
The chief of staff at the time Major General Shaul Mofaz came to see how things are going, and was briefed by a Lt. Colonel commanding an infantry regiment. they were talking about an encounter in an alley which the Lt. Colonel described like this-
"The terrorist came out of this house to say hello. Well, hello, hello, the MG team got him!"



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