College Admissions Essay

silent driller

Active member
This is a parody of my own creation(for a creative writing class). The task was to create a college admissions essay, but to fill it with as much BS as I could think of. So here it is...

College Admissions Essay

3A. In order for the admissions staff of our college to get to know you, the applicant, better, we ask that you answer the following question: Are there any significant experiences that you have had, or accomplishments you have realized, that have helped to define you as a person?

-What about me? I am Blackistani. I am a philosopher. Confucius and Plato were my students. I have the answers to life’s biggest questions like “How much wood could a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood?” and “What color was George Washington’s white horse?” I took a trip to the moon and back and have rocked on the sun. I have thrown a rock a mile in the air and caught it on the way down. I hold a world record for combing four heads of hair at the same time. I can don a tuxedo in one minute flat. I shot the sheriff. I took a study hall for an early bird class(and skipped every day!).

I am eight feet tall. I weigh 400 pounds and I am a skinny bastard. I climbed up the Empire State Building with King Kong and have breathed fire with the dragons of old. I once fought alongside King Arthur and I am the stork who beat Robin Hood in an archery competition. The Northside Booms are my brainchildren.

Because of my close encounter with Martians and my wrecking of their ship, they came back on Independence Day and destroyed the country. I shot Tim the Wizard in the ass with Gandalf’s staff, which I stole from under his nose. I scaled the Eiffel Tower and, from the top, beat Charles Lindbergh across the Atlantic ocean. I have been back in time.

I have the Holy Grail. As for that Frenchman, I cleaned his clock with a huge mud pie. I also have the largest Punkin Chunkin machine in the United States(it once hurled a punkin from VA to HI). I once wrecked a ship and then brought it back to the surface. I know where Chesty Puller is. I picked out the site for the Manhattan Project. Einstein’s equation for energy is mine(Element 99 should be called Rickmanium). I am “the man.” I am also “yo daddy.” I let the dogs out.

The fourth man in the Blue Man Group(the fat green one) is me. I invented the Mullet. What a mistake! I am also the founder of your college. Chewing gum is my creation. So is Bluegrass music. During my service in the United States Congress, I took the initiative in creating the Internet. I also took the initiative in sending the three wise men to find this kid named Jesus.

I once dated an unborn fetus. She dumped me because I was too posessive. I am Mister Mom. I beat up Darth Vadar in Dr. Evil’s lab with a wooden spoon, on the moon, at noon. Mini Mee is my son. Chewy is my brother. I beat Captain Kirk at 3D chess or whatever that game is that I also invented. My cousin is the Cat in the Hat. I am Sam. Sam I am. And, to set the record straight, I LOVE green eggs and ham!

I am the best guitarist I can ever think of. The world record for the loudest flatulation in history(74.133 dB) is mine. I have proven that the Hokey Pokey is a fraud and that the Cha Cha Slide is what it’s all about. It’s electric(boogey boogey...)! Jerry Seinfeld steals all of my material(damned thief!). Money DOES grow on trees, but I have yet to find these trees. I was the twelfth man in Ocean’s Eleven.

I am the silver lining in the clouds and I have yet to be hit by an aircraft. I lift tall buildings off the ground and walk under them. I kick locomotives off the track. I catch speeding bullets in my teeth and eat them(and spit them back). And I freeze water with a single glance. By doing so, I once helped some gentlemen walk from Asia to America. My grin quite literally goes from ear to ear. My way IS the highway.

I went hunting with Ahab for Moby Dick. I eventually caught that blasted whale(with Ahab still attached). I was the first to sail the ocean blue(in 1491). I invented the split, the straddle, and the groin injury. I strangled the sock monster to death. He came back. I have yet to see him again, but I know he’s there(maybe hanging out with Seinfeld).

I’m a little teapot, short and stout. I dared Oliver Twist to ask for more soup. I fed Lady and the Tramp their plate of sketti...skapetti...pisketti...??? I learned how to spell spaghetti. Maybe I can use this word in college. =:p

But I have not yet been to college.

...This is still a work in progress. I think of something new every day...