Texas Chili Cook-Off

Texas Chili Cook-Off
October 18th, 2006  

Topic: Texas Chili Cook-Off

Texas Chili Cook-Off
I didn't see this one here, so thought I would share it. I can't stop laughing. My boss is so gonna bust me...

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time the Rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome.

The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast: Frank: ďRecently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judgeís table asking for directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldnít be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.Ē

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili #1 Mikeís Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
Judge #1 A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge #2 Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge #3 (Frank) Holy s***, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope thatís the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili #2 Arthurís Afterburner Chili
Judge #1 Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge #2 Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge #3 Keep this out of the reach of children. Iím not sure what Iím supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chili #3 Fredís Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
Judge #1 Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge #2 A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge #3 Call the EPA. Iíve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. Iím getting s***-faced from all of the beer.

Chili #4 Bubbaís Black Magic
Judge #1 Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge #2 Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge #3 I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. b**** is starting to look HOTÖjust like this nuclear waste Iím eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili #5 Lindaís Legal Lip Remover
Judge #1 Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge #2 Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge #3 My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if Iím burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those red necks.

Chili #6 Veraís Very Vegetarian Variety
Judge #1 Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge #2 The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge #3 I s*** on myself when I farted and Iím worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Canít feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my a** with a snow cone.

Chili #7 Susanís Screaming Sensation Chili
Judge #1 A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge #2 Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge #3 You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldnít feel a thing. Iíve lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like s*** to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, theyíll know what killed me. Iíve decided to stop breathing, itís too painful. Screw it; Iím not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, Iíll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili #8 Tommyís Toe-Nail Curling Chili
Judge #1 The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge #2 This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if heís going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how heíd have reacted to really hot chili?
October 18th, 2006  
Team Infidel
that's funny
October 18th, 2006  
Rob Henderson
hahahaha...oh my God sevens, my stomach really does hurt. hahahahahaha
Texas Chili Cook-Off
October 18th, 2006  
That's good.
October 18th, 2006  
ow,ow, stop, i can't take it!
October 18th, 2006  
Chili with beans in it? Get a rope.
October 18th, 2006  
October 18th, 2006  
HAHAHAHAHA....Judge #3 remind me of Larry The Cable Guy.
October 19th, 2006  
ya i know our chili really is that good aint it
October 14th, 2007  
Bump. This just got sent to me again today.

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