Actual Top 10's from the Late Show
Quote:
Top Ten Things Iraq's Information Minister Has To Say About The War
10. "We're pulling down the statues of Saddam to have them cleaned"
9. "Don't believe that stuff you see on CNN...or NBC, CBS, ABC, Fox or MSNBC"
8. "If you ask me who the winner is, it depends on what your definition of 'is' is"
7. "Iraqi television is off the air because we didn't want you to have to sit through 'Becker'"
6. "Do you know of any job openings for a lying weasel?"
5. "Wolf Blitzer and I are engaged"
4. "Iraqis are in the streets celebrating Cher's 40 fabulous years in show business"
3. "Incoming!"
2. "Saddam's not dead -- he's just out with a case of the shingles"
1. "War? What war?"
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Quote:
Top Ten Signs Your Neighbor Is Harboring Saddam Hussein
10. A lot of "Sorry about the deaths of your monstrous, sadistic sons" bouquets being delivered
9. His garage door used to be white; now it's white with a giant mural of Saddam Hussein
8. Mailman mistakenly puts "Deposed Dictator Monthly" in your box
7. He asks, "When are we having the Baath party -- I mean, the block party?"
6. You hear his television blaring "Queer Eye for the Fallen Dictator Guy"
5. The hourly deliveries of hummus
4. The Kurdish family across the street have really been on edge lately
3. He's in the yard chopping wood to build a beret rack
2. His last houseguest: Haitian dictator "Baby Doc" Duvalier
1. Floating in his swimming pool: an inflatable goat
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Quote:
Top Ten Things The Iraqi Information Minister Has Admitted Since Being Captured
10. "Okay, Iraq didn't win the war. It was a tie"
9. "Iraq's weapons scientists were secretly developing our own Hulk"
8. "Tariq Aziz had Botox"
7. "Saddam Hussein's not the innocent angel everyone thinks he is"
6. "Dr. Germ looks really hot when she's synthesizing VX gas"
5. "You picked the right guy for the 'Queen of Clubs,' if you know what I mean"
4. "Howard Dean will win the 2004 election"
3. "Uday Hussein's birth name -- Gary"
2. "I've been offered a job as editor of 'The New York Times'"
1. "The rumors are true -- I'm dating Ashton Kutcher"
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Quote:
Top Ten Cool Things About Being Stationed In Alaska
10. "Thanks to soft, snowy ground, no push-ups!"
(Airman First Class Nick Schulte)
9. "Don't have to worry about sunscreen like those suckers stationed in Hawaii"
(Senior Airman Amanda Baldwin)
8. "Our state-of-the-art surveillance equipment makes salmon fishing a snap"
(Staff Sergeant Richard Canady)
7. "When the days get really short, we only put in a 45-minute work week"
(Staff Sergeant Candra Maita)
6. "One of the senior airmen is a moose"
(Master Sergeant Kevin Barry)
5. "Can't taste mess hall food when your tongue is frozen solid"
(Senior Master Sergeant Eric Stenerson)
4. "On weekends, can take advantage of Nome's crazy nightlife"
(Canadian Air Force Warrant Officer Vimy Trevors)
3. "The government provides mittens"
(First Lieutenant Carrie Howard)
2. "If you want baked Alaska, just order 'baked here'"
(Captain Derek Sellnow)
1. "Daily schedule: one hour doing Air Force stuff; nine hours snowboarding"
(Lieutenant Colonel Mark Nakanishi)
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Quote:
Top Ten Perks of Being Stationed In Iraq
10. "Access to Saddam's extensive collection of Barbra Streisand CDs"
(Sergeant Lillian Rodriguez)
9. "I'm the only Jonathan Atwood in the Baghdad phonebook"
(Specialist Jonathan Atwood)
8. "You play cards with those Iraqi government decks -- we use the actual guys"
(Sergeant First Class Timothy Bird)
7. "We get to test out the Army's new bulletproof camel"
(Sergeant Kevin Kirk)
6. "You don't need Dr. Phil to lose weight here -- you just sweat your ass off"
(Private First Class Daniel Ruiz)
5. "When the C.O. isn't looking, I like to tiptoe around the presidential palace and play dictator for a while"
(Specialist Nyria Roach)
4. "It's fun to pick up the phone and say, 'No, Uday and Qusay are not available right now because they're dead'"
(Specialist Jason Williams)
3. "Goodbye standard-issue army tent, hello billion-dollar palace"
(Sergeant First Class Edwin Kolb)
2. "CBS comedies are even funnier in Kurdish"
(Specialist Jonathan Moore)
1. "The farther away from the state of California, the better"
(Specialist Noel Ellis)
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Quote:
Top Ten Things Overheard at Saddam Hussein's Dinner Last Night
10. "Uday, are you going to eat that pickle?"
9. "Bunker for six, please"
8. "You have some shwarma in your mustache"
7. "A double for me and a double for my double"
6. "I know we're winning the war, but there do seem to be an awful lot of American tanks around"
5. "What was I thinking putting 5,000 dinars on Kansas?
4. "Can we still have these weekly dinners when we're in hell?"
3. "What do you mean Bloomberg won't let us smoke in here?"
2. "Kaboom"
1. "More salad, Geraldo?"
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[
quote]Top Ten Things That Will Get You Kicked Out Of Iraq
10. Replacing giant mural of Saddam with a giant mural of you
9. Addressing all the officers as Cap'n Crunch
8. Teaching captured Iraqi soldiers to sing Kenny Rogers ballads
7. Giving precise coordinates of Wolf Blitzer's beard
6. Closing each report with "Bless our enlightened ruler Saddam Hussein, may he reign for 1,000 years"
5. Distributing leaflets telling Iraqi citizens how to save money by dialing 10-10-220
4. Senior officer asks to see you at 0400 hours; you show up 400 hours later
3. Your name is Geraldo Rivera
2. Your name is Saddam Hussein
1. Bringing your videophone into the shower[/quote]
Alot More To Come!
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December 15th, 2003
LMAO
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