military history



A Short Summary of France's Military History

Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.

Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare: "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."

Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians. Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots.

Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

The Dutch War - Tied

War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlboro, which they have loved ever since.

American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare: "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."

French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.

The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

World War I - Tied and pissing their pants on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.

World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu.

Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare: "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimos.

War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.

I don't like to hang out the French, or any other country for that sake..
But I do know several french soldiers, and I know that at least they do not feel offended by the recent outburst of anti-French humor...
It's better to laugh with them, than of them....

So I'm letting this one stay.. :D

And I do of course find it good myself. :wink:

Any frenchmen out there who feels offended by this kind of humor?
Please notify me.
Hey, as an American Patriot I love this kinda stuff, so thanks for it man. Yet as a historian, I beg to differ, in fact, France used to have one of the most militarized society's in the world.

No disrespect intended too :p
Remember what I said about being slow?

No offence intended, and none taken GuyontheRight, although, in a nutshell, and for a joke, I think this one is pretty accurate. Being highly militarized doesn't mean your military is any good ;), like one of my buddies who owns about a dozen swords but would most likely get his butt kicked in a sword fight by a 12 year old who has read The Count of Monte Cristo.

Once again, sorry if I offend anyone, I've gotten so used to laughing at myself with redneck jokes that I don't realize that some people aren't as into self-mockery as myself haha.
here's another, but we've probably heard it:

How many gears does a french tank have?
Six; one forward and five reverse.
How many Frencmen does it take to defend Paris??? Nobody knows, its never happened.
G'day, just wanna remind you that us ozzies were in the wars too. In the wars we were always first to line up. In 1st and 2nd WW america always came in late but we went in within a couple of days and fought hard and couragously, so don't forget the ozzies. :wink:
Ok I got pissed in the part: "... Lead by a Corsican who was no match for an british footwear designer."

Wellington was to scared to fight Napoleon alone... Waterloo would have been a French victory if not Prussia, led by Blucher, had attacked Napoleons flanks.
So it's not that overrated Wellington and the British who won the battle alone.

But the other "facts" where funny :p
quite funny, hehe. If you have the button "I´m lucky" on google. Write "French military victories" and click on it. No offence to the French, I know a few and they are good, as the mojority of us. Some good, some not

take care,