Welcome to the new Royal Navy




 
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January 13th, 2012  
BritinAfrica
 
 

Topic: Welcome to the new Royal Navy


Britainís New Navy...
The Royal Navy is proud of its new fleet of Type 45 destroyers. Having initially named the first two ships HMS Daring and HMS Dauntless, the Naming Committee has, after intensive pressure from Brussels , renamed them
HMS Cautious and HMS Prudence.

The next five ships are to be named:
HMS Empathy,
HMS Circumspect,
HMS Nervous,
HMS Timorous and
HMS Apologist.

Costing £850 million each, they meet the needs of the 21st century and comply with the very latest employment, equality, health & safety and human rights laws.

The new user-friendly crow's nest comes equipped with wheelchair access.
Live ammunition has been replaced with paintballs to reduce the risk of anyone getting hurt and to cut down on the number of compensation claims.
Stress counsellors and lawyers will be on duty 24hrs a day and each ship will have its on-board industrial tribunal.

The crew will be 50/50 men and women, and balanced in accordance with the latest Home Office directives on race, gender, sexuality and disability.

Sailors will only have to work a maximum of 37 hrs per week in line with Brussels Health & Safety rules, even in wartime!

All the vessels will come equipped with a maternity ward and nursery, situated on the same deck as the Gay Disco.

Tobacco will be banned throughout the ship, but cannabis will be allowed in the wardroom and messes.

The Royal Navy is eager to shed its traditional reputation for; "Rum, sodomy and the lash"; so out has gone the occasional rum ration which is to be replaced by sparkling water.

Although sodomy remains, it has now been extended to include all ratings under 18. The lash will still be available but only on request.

Condoms can be obtained from the Boatswain in a variety of flavours, except Capstan Full Strength.

Saluting officers has been abolished because it is deemed elitist and is to be replaced by the more informal, "Hello Sailor".

All information on notice boards will be printed in 37 different languages and Braille.

Crew members will now no longer be required to ask permission to grow beards or moustaches - this applies equally to women crew members.

The MoD is working on a new "non-specific" flag because the White Ensign is considered to be offensive to minorities. The Union Flag had already been discarded.

The newly re-named HMS Cautious is due to be commissioned soon in a ceremony conducted by Captain Hook from the Finsbury Park Mosque who will break a petrol bomb over the hull. She will gently slide into the water as the Royal Marines Band plays "In the Navy" by the Village People.

Her first deployment will be to escort boat loads of illegal immigrants across the channel to ports on England's south coast.

The Prime Minister said, "While these ships reflect the very latest in modern thinking, they are also capable of being up-graded to comply with any new legislation coming out of Brussels ."

His final words were, "Britannia waives the rules."
January 15th, 2012  
viper2007
 
 
This is really amusing...
January 16th, 2012  
BritinAfrica
 
 
I'm wondering how much of this is true.

As you live in Jurong Viper, this might interest you.

Where the old RAF Jurong Guard Room was on the left as you drove in, there was a tree behind the Guard Room that the Japanese would hang people from. Apparently RAF Police didn't like working nights as they reckoned the tree was haunted.
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January 16th, 2012  
viper2007
 
 
Well, I've heard of that one, told to me many times by the senior servicemen. I. myself, am not sure if there was any truth to it...

What I am told of many times, is that the old Selarang Barracks were indeed full of haunted stories. As you recalled it was one of the largest internment ( a rather polite understatement) for Ally POWs. Some, naturally did not survive the Japanese hospitality (another polite understatement).
My friends who were posted there told us many interesting tales- how much truth to it- well, God only knows- the stories gets more wilder with every bottle of beer!

Well, the old Selarang Barracks are gone now. They were demolished and a new camp complex build- they now housed the 9th Division of the SAF. No more new stories, the new kids don't drink that much...
January 16th, 2012  
BritinAfrica
 
 
I was practising in the snooker room at RAF Jurong one night on my own, when suddenly I felt a chill go down my spine. I turned out the lights and went into the bar.

It was odd.
January 17th, 2012  
viper2007
 
 
I see... you rather have a chill one go down your throat!

Thats cool...

I don't know, Mr Brit... sometimes I suppose all of us goes through this sort of thing at least once in our lifetime. Like I heard this from a friend- meeting a ghost/ spirit is like finding true love- many people talked about it, but actually a few will experience it...
January 17th, 2012  
BritinAfrica
 
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by viper2007
I see... you rather have a chill one go down your throat!

Thats cool...

I don't know, Mr Brit... sometimes I suppose all of us goes through this sort of thing at least once in our lifetime. Like I heard this from a friend- meeting a ghost/ spirit is like finding true love- many people talked about it, but actually a few will experience it...
I did experience it again many years later in my gun shop the owner before me (I worked for him) shot himself with a 38 Special Rossi revolver. I was working one night doing a weapons count, when at 8:30 pm on the dot (the same time he shot himself) the whole place felt cold as ice. I put all the guns away, locked up and set the alarms.

We have had quite a few incidents in the shop after that.
 


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