You Know Your A Combat Medic When......

October 14th, 2004  

Topic: You Know Your A Combat Medic When......

You Know You're A Combat Medic When..

You have a patch that reads ' to save your ass, not kiss it!' pinned inside your BDU.

You've ever told a patient to 'move toward the light.'

You've ever run out of linens, syringes, IV fluid, meds, and patience, all at the same time

You believe some patients are alive only because it's illegal to kill them

You do the "only-27-more-minutes-of-the-shift-from-hell happy dance"

You always follow the rules, but are wise enough to forget them sometimes

You can't cure stupid

You believe, if it's wet and sticky and not yours, leave it the hell alone!

You have seen more moons than the Hubble telescope

You never get into an argument with an idiot (infantry), because they only bring you down to their level and then beat you with experience

You ever had a patient die shortly after saying, 'Hey, watch this'

You no longer have a gag reflex

You hope there's a special place in Hell for the inventor of the call light (& the cell phones we use on shift)

You believe not all patients are annoying; some are dead

You believe the definition of stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet

You think pizza, cookies, and coke make a balanced meal

You tell infantry where to go without fear!

You've ever thought, 'Patients, God love 'em, because today, I sure don't!'

You believe that saying, 'It can't get any worse' causes it to get worse just to show you it can

You wash your hands before you go to the bathroom

You call some of your coworkers 'Flowers in the Field of Medicine' because they're bloomin' idiots

You've ever used the acronym F.T.D. (Fixin' to Die) or L.T.B.B (Lucky To Be Breathing)

You've ever thought a blood pressure cuff as an excellent Christmas gift

You've ever spent more money on a stethoscope than on a car payment

You notice that you use more four-letter words now than before you became a medic

You think it is acceptable to use "*****" and "vagina" in a normal conversation

You look in your closet and can't find anything non-medical to wear

Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong and if nothing has gone wrong, you've obviously don't understand the situation

Everyone gets treated exactly the same---until they PISS YOU OFF!

The ER is a mixture of can do, can't do, and why the hell not!

You can identify the following Syndromes: F.O.L. (Full Of Liquor) A.D.A.S.T.W. (Arrived Dead And Stayed That Way) W.O.T.A.M. (Waste of Time & Money)

You consider tongue depressors and emesis basins as eating utensils

You have placed your irritating patients/ on P.I.T.A. (Pain In The ASS) precautions!

You know it's a full moon without having to look at the sky

You have ever referred to a patient as "genetically challenged"

You've developed a crease between your brows from trying NOT to inhale the various human secretions you've encountered over the years

Eating microwave popcorn out of a clean bedpan is perfectly natural

Your bladder can expand to the same size as a Winnebago's water tank

You've ever held a 14-gauge needle over someone's vein and said, "Now your going to feel a little stick"

You refer to infantry as organ donors

You've ever had a patient with a multiple tattos, say "I'm afraid of shots"

You automatically multiply by three the number of drinks a patient claims to have daily

You can keep a straight face when a patient responds, "Just two beers"

You develop Carpal Tunnel Syndrome from constantly locking and unlocking the Narcotic Cabinet

Your idea of a meal break is finishing your coffee before it gets cold (I'm trying to remember the last time...)

You think "awake and stupid" is an appropriate choice for mental status

You've ever bet on someone's blood alcohol level

Discussing dismemberment over a meal seems perfectly normal

You believe more governments should require a permit to reproduce

You believe the 'On-call Medic' program is a satanic plot

You believe unspeakable evils will befall you if the word 'quiet' is uttered

You believe every waiting room should have a Valium salt lick

You believe you have patients who are demonically possessed

You believe waiting room time should be in proportion to the length of time from symptom onset (You've had pain for 3 weeks...have a seat, we'll get to you in 3 days)

You believe the lab should have a 'dumb shit' profile on the lab requisition slip

You firmly believe that 'too stupid to live' should be a diagnosis

You have to leave the patient before you begin to laugh uncontrollably

You believe a book entitled 'Better Ways To Cover Your Ass Nextí will be your next project

You find humor in other people's stupidity

Your idea of fine dining is sitting down to eat

You believe a good tape job will fix anything

You get an almost irresistible urge to stand and wolf down your food, even in the nicest restaurants

Your idea of a good time is a Code Blue at shift change

You don't believe 90% of what you're told, and 75% of what you see.

You have your weekends off planned a year in advance

You've ever had a patient look you dead in the eye and say, "I don't know how that got stuck in there"

Your immune system is well developed that it has been known to attack and kill squirrels in the backyard

You have recurrent nightmares of being hit and run over by the portable x-ray machine
October 14th, 2004  
That is hilarious stuff
October 17th, 2004  
this ones good to
October 17th, 2004  
This is pretty funny.
January 17th, 2007  
Wonder what Bulldogg thinks of this?
April 14th, 2007  
Team Infidel
that is some great stuff.