Dougals joke post. MODs please let back to back posts




 
--
Boots
 
November 6th, 2004  
dougal
 
 

Topic: Dougals joke post. MODs please let back to back posts


A man came home from work, sat down in his favourite chair,
turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer
before it starts." She looked a little puzzled, but brought him
a beer. When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another
beer. It's gonna start."
This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer.
When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer before it
starts."
That's it! She blows her top! "You bastard! You waltz in here,
flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then
expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that
I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"
The husband sighed. "Oh no - it's started!"




A Scotsman, an Italian, and an Irishman are in a bar. They are having a
good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.

Then the Scotsman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from,
back in Glasgee, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, ye buy a drink, ye
buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy yir third drink!"

The others agree that sounds like a good place.

Then the Italian says, "Yeah, dat's a nice bar, but where I come from
dere's a better one. In Roma, dere's this place, Vincenzo's. At Vincenzo's,
you buy a drink, Vincenzo buys you a drink. You buy anudda drink, Vincenzo
buys you anudda drink."

Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.

Then the Irishman says, "You tink dat's great? Where oi come from in
Dublin, dere's dis place called Morphy's. At Morphy's, they boy you your
forst drink, dey boy you your second drink, dey boy you your tird drink,
and den, dey take you in de back and get you laid!"

"Wow!" say the other two."That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to
you?"

"No," says the Irish guy, "but it happened to me sister."
November 8th, 2004  
dougal
 
 
some Irish military definitions

Transport coy sitting on your ass in an Nissan while your buddy's stand in the pissing rain minding a bank.see Nissan .

pdf standing in the pissing rain minding a bank .

fca stand in the pissing rain on a range while the pdf sit in their Nissans.

medic a cheap way to get a feel , they used to be called priests.

officer person who don't now where he is ,dammed if he knows what his doing ,and up shit creek if anyone asks him.

female officer invention to terrify male enlisted men usually resulting in the words "sir sorry ma_ ma _ mam ". followed by what is the right word mam mamm Madame to his peers ?.

sergeant, same as officer but can ask corporal but only in the form of a question which he appears to already know the answer too.

non line corporal glorified 4* private outnumber privates by at least 4:1 see dogsbody usual excused kitchen duties inplace of guardroom.

line corporal experienced 4*, can do anything a sergeant can do, can scare recruits half to death with a single glance, leap tall buildings and dodge bullets!........(yeah right)

private general labourer see kitchen

Nissan farm vehicle painted green complete with enough armour to prevent penetration by randy sheep.

panhard vehicle painted green complete with enough armour to prevent penetration by two randy sheep.

pattern 58 as name suggests this is made by blind grannies in conomarra in 1958, used to carry nonexistent ammo and kit design based on a 16th centaury device patented by the Spanish inquisition to cause maximum discomfort.

Dining hall slopbucket where meals rejected by Ethiopians are distributed by surly unhygienic soldiers and resembling a wildlife haven for rats, Richard attenboroughs "lurking with rats" documentary is due to be filmed in kilworh this year.see also dysentery, diorrea, flaming hole.


canteen building where crisps are sold so you wont die of starvation from the mess , also a pervour of cheap alcoholic beverages,

manual fabled book or books which is rumoured to exist to teach all military knowledge thought to be a myth with origins in folklore.

*Medics people too stupid to join the civil defence.

*cav people to stupid to join the brownies there still looking for their ponies .

*air defence thought they were joining the ICA.

bren gun gift graciously received by president e develera from field marshal hermut stunk jr after the second battle of el-alemine from captured British stocks.

gustav smg gift graciously received by commandant e develera from field marshal hermut stunk sr after the summer offensive of 1918 from captured British stocks.

Kilwoth top secret military installation ,were training in lorry dodging is provide before meals , see also mess

lahinch beloved by tiger woods wantabees this is Eire's answer to the beaches of Normandy stratigicly located to thwart the invasion of Icelandic fishermen and penguins , its accommodation is seconded by few

Tralee 4* accommodation combined with friendly locals and a stunning view of what you tax dollars can buy in the form of accommodation for refuges means that every -25 degree Celsius stay in beautiful ballymullen is memorable ,'roses !,there all dead from frostbite do yourself a favour and stay for as long as possible in one of the towns many fine hostelries

square officer car park

salute formal if infrequntly observed wave at an officer usually followed by "hows it going sir ".

air corps users of top secret stealth aircraft so secret no one has seen them {technology is thought to be based on klingon cloaking device}.

government Dublin based yuppies and cultchies who spend all your tax money on private jets and personnel cars instead of fighter jets and armoured personnel cars.

billet cold damp vermin infested living quarters designed for 50 but can accommodate upwards of 150 .

hand grenade rarely if ever seen weapon , if they are ever let out of stores they are reputed to be mills bomb no5 or German stielhandgranaten stick grenades ,

"on the books" similar to the an old school register it records people who are still officially in the fca but whom you've never met may include prople currently residing in the cemetery

camp 1-2 weeks of marching excessive consumption of bad food and good beer and just as your getting the hang of the soldiering thing they send you home 2 stone lighter with less money and then you started out with a bad dose of sunburn and a realisation that if you had your way you would if you had the chance it all over again

88mm mortar . light artillery piece which very few people know how to operate and can only be taught by the "gods of war " that are the PDF in combat it would be like giving a donkey a spinning wheel dambed if he knows how he got it and hasn't got a clue what to do with it, besides after 3 rnds the ammo would be gone

reserves poorly trained undervalued well meaning people who despite all this shit come back for more


A 2LT was walking home from work one day, when he noticed a little boy sitting on the sidewalk.
The little boy was playing with a pile of shit. Curious, the 2LT walked over to the little boy and asked him "Why are you playing with a pile of shit?" The little boy replied "I'm building an NCO". The 2LT, amused by this, ran back to the company to get his captain. Upon returning to the little boy, who was still playing with the pile of shit, the Captain asked "Son, what are you doing?" The little boy looked up at him and said " I'm building an NCO". The captain being equally amused insisted that they return and get the 1SG. When the three returned the little boy, still playing with his pile of shit, was asked by the 1SG "Son, what are you doing?" The little boy again replied "I'm building and NCO". "Why are you building an NCO?" asked the 1SG. The little boy paused and responded "Because I don't have enough shit to build an officer"
November 8th, 2004  
dougal
 
 
An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3-day pass.

The CO says "Are you crazy? You just join the Israeli army, and you already want a 3-day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!"

So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank!

The CO was so impressed, he asked "How did you do it?"

"Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs. I approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier, "Do you want to get a three-day pass? So we exchanged tanks!"
--
Boots
November 8th, 2004  
USAOwnz
 
Nice ones.
November 9th, 2004  
dougal
 
 
A 2LT was walking home from work one day, when he noticed a little boy sitting on the sidewalk.
The little boy was playing with a pile of shit. Curious, the 2LT walked over to the little boy and asked him "Why are you playing with a pile of shit?" The little boy replied "I'm building an NCO". The 2LT, amused by this, ran back to the company to get his captain. Upon returning to the little boy, who was still playing with the pile of shit, the Captain asked "Son, what are you doing?" The little boy looked up at him and said " I'm building an NCO". The captain being equally amused insisted that they return and get the 1SG. When the three returned the little boy, still playing with his pile of shit, was asked by the 1SG "Son, what are you doing?" The little boy again replied "I'm building and NCO". "Why are you building an NCO?" asked the 1SG. The little boy paused and responded "Because I don't have enough shit to build an officer"





How many gears does a french tank have?
Six; one forward and five reverse.
November 9th, 2004  
dougal
 
 
A very respected Captain in the Foreign Legion was transferred to a remote desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old seedy looking camel tied out behind the enlisted men's barracks. He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, "Why is a camel tied to the barracks?" The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do ... uh ... we have the camel ready for them.”

The Captain said, "Well, I suppose if it's good for morale, then I guess it's all right with me”. After he had been stationed at the fort for six long, lonely months, the Captain simply couldn't control his sexual angst any longer. He barked to his Sergeant: "BRING THE CAMEL INTO MY TENT!”

The Sergeant shrugged his shoulders, looked at the other men, and lead the camel into the Captain's quarters. Within a few minutes, the Captain emerged from his tent, fastening his trousers, almost beaming with pride.

"So, Sergeant, is that how the enlisted men do it?" he asked.
The Sergeant replied, "Well, sir, usually they just use it to ride into town."
November 9th, 2004  
dougal
 
 
Cpl. X, who was coming to the end of his career. He was on his last week & as a result didn't really give a toss about anything. His mate, Cpl. Y is on the gate, it's time for his lunch so he asks Cpl. X to cover for him. Cpl. X agrees & settles in for a spot of gate-keeping.

Soon enough a staff car, containing an officer of high rank, approaches. Cpl. X comes out, opens the barrier & lets them through, and goes back to the gate house.

The officer was a bit pissed at not getting a salute.
Officer: "Cpl"
Cpl. X: "Yes Sir"
Officer: "Is it not customary to pay complements to an officer?"
Cpl. X: "You're lookin' well today Sir"
November 9th, 2004  
dougal
 
 
One day a gardai clocked a car driven by a soilder at over 90 miles per hour. The soilder, one of our older military veterans of 10 overseas tours, immediately pulled over once he saw the blinking lights of the gardai car behind him!


soilder: Hi gardai. Did I do anything wrong?

gardaí: Sir I clocked you at 90 miles per hour. May I see your license please?

soilder: Naw that aint possible. I lost my license when I was charged with the Drunkeness about 4 years back.

gardaí: I see. The can I see your registration?

soilder: No that won’t be possible either. See this is a stolen car.

gardaí: stolen car?

soilder. Yep. The guy i stole it from is in the trunk.

gardaí: he's in the trunk?

soilder: yep. Bopped him on the head, cut him up into a hundred pieces, put em in plastic bags and popped him right into the trunk. You want to see him?

gardaí: no. You just stay in the car. The officer goes back to his car.

Five minutes later, five gardaí cars roll up and surround the vehicle. The gardai inspector strolls up to the car, with a drawn gun.

inspector: Sir, would you mind getting out of your car?

soilder: Sure sir. And he gets out

inspector: sir I just received a report from one of my men that he had just apprehended a driver without a license. Do you have a license to drive sir?

soilder: sure do and pulls out his driver license from his wallet.

inspector: I also received word that the man was driving a stolen car, with possibly a body in the trunk. Is this the case?

soilder: Naw sir, this is my car. He pulls the registration out of the glove compartment, and hands it to the captain.

inspector: would you mind opening your trunk?

soilder: sure sir. He then opened the trunk to reveal...nothing.

inspector: I am very puzzled. My man reported that he had apprehended an unlicensed driver, driving a stolen car, with a body in the trunk. None of that seems to be true.

soilder: yeah, and I bet the little liar even told you I was speeding didn’t he?


Works every time.
November 9th, 2004  
bonnieblue716
 
 
those were good, I'd heard a lot of those before but they're still good. Oh and the last one is a classic, I hear it around here a lot, though never quite told that way.
November 9th, 2004  
dougal
 
 
A garda is what we call the police here. Its Irish for gaurd