Dougals joke post. MODs please let back to back posts - Page 8




 
--
Boots
 
December 18th, 2004  
dougal
 
 
What kind of wife can....

1. Dust with her left hand?
2. Iron with her right hand?
3. Polish with her left foot?
4. Scrub with her right foot?
5. Open beer bottles with her arse?
6. Give a *******

... all at the same time?????


..
..
..
..
..
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..
..
..... A Swiss Army Wife !
December 18th, 2004  
dougal
 
 
TOP 10 REASONS WHY A HANDGUN IS BETTER THAN A WIFE

#10 - YOU CAN TRADE AN OLD 44 FOR A NEW 22.

#9 - YOU CAN KEEP ONE HANDGUN AT HOME, AND HAVE ANOTHER FOR WHEN YOU'RE ON THE ROAD.

#8 - IF YOU ADMIRE A FRIEND'S HANDGUN, AND TELL HIM SO, HE WILL PROBABLY LET YOU TRY IT OUT A FEW TIMES.

#7 - YOUR PRIMARY HANDGUN DOESN'T MIND IF YOU KEEP ANOTHER HANDGUN FOR A BACKUP.

#6 - YOUR HANDGUN WILL STAY WITH YOU EVEN IF YOU RUN OUT OF AMMO.

#5 - A HANDGUN DOESN'T TAKE UP A LOT OF CLOSET SPACE.

#4 - HANDGUNS FUNCTION NORMALLY EVERY DAY OF THE MONTH.

#3 - A HANDGUN DOESN'T ASK, "DO THESE NEW GRIPS MAKE ME LOOK FAT?"

#2 - A HANDGUN DOESN'T MIND IF YOU GO TO SLEEP AFTER YOU USE IT.

And, the number one way a handgun is better than a woman:

#1 - YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A HANDGUN!
December 29th, 2004  
dougal
 
 
A recruit pln in Clonmel one time back in the 70s bought a parrot as a platoon mascot. The parrot resided quite happily for 6 months or so on the landing of the North Block where he had the full benefit of the Orderly Sgt's banter every day.

Eventually the platoon passed out and went their separate waysand unable to find an owner for the bird, they sold it back to the pet shop. A week or so later a little old lady bought the parrot, delighted it had already learned to talk. Imagine he horror when the parrot started screeching at daybreak next morning,

"Get the **** out of bed now. Hands of cocks, get on yer socks. You shower of ******s broke your mothers' heart but you won't break mine. Fall in downstairs in five minutes were going for a ****in run ladies." And so on through the day the parrot ran through the entire manual of foot drill and arms drill with some colourful additions.

And then in the afternoon the Parish Priest called round, to be greeted with "**** me it's the devil chaser. Mind your ****in language there O'Toole you heathen bastard."

The old lady broke down in tears of embarrassment. There's only one cure for him says the priest, a short, sharp shock. When he starts in the morning pour a bucket of cold water over the cage and that will cure his bad language advised the padre.

Next morning at dawn the parrot started to screech-"Fall the **** in downstairs on the ****in double"-interrupted by a deluge of ice cold water...........................
"and bring your ****in ponchos it's pissing rain outside."
--
Boots
December 29th, 2004  
dougal
 
 
Two boys are playing hurling in the people's park, when one is
attacked by
a
Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy takes his hurl, wedges it
down
the dogs collar and twists, breaking the dogs neck.
A local newspaper reporter who was strolling by sees the incident, and
rushes over to interview the boy.
"Young Waterford Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he starts
writing
in
his notebook.
"But I'm not a Waterford fan," the little hero replied.
"Sorry, since we are in Waterford, I just assumed you were." said the
reporter and starts again.
"Little Wexford Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack," he continued
writing in his notebook.
"I'm not a Wexford fan either," the boy said.
"I assumed you were a Wexford fan given your friend is wearing a Wexford
Jersey, What team do you support?" the reporter asked.
"I'm a Kilkenny fan." the child said smiling.
The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes,
"Little Kilkenny Ba*s*tard Kills Beloved Family Pet."
December 29th, 2004  
rotc boy
 
 
poor lady
January 8th, 2005  
dougal
 
 
Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate
bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the damn thing in the first
place.

Make bath times as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by
pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath.

Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by
filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then
urinating into it, before jumping in.

Girls. Too old to go on an 18 to 30 holiday? Simply get pissed, lie in a
sand pit in your garden and shag every bloke who looks at you over the
fence.

Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a
handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.

Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the
object you wish to view.

Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction
of oncoming traffic.

Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.

Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cakes again.

A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat
hanger in an emergency.

An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive
vibrator.

Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids by
running a bit slower.

Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply
pissing in the sink.

Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or
veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc
'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know any difference.

Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt be
made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours,
and ask for a nice piece of steak.

Spice up your sex life by trying a bit of 'rodeo sex'. Take your missus
from behind and, holding on tightly to her tits, call her by the wrong name. See how long you can 'stay mounted' for.

Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment always circle
the stain in permanent pen so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has
gone.

High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while,
thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of your
cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to
insulate your loft.

Motorists. Enjoy the freedom of cycling by removing your windscreen,
sticking half a melon skin on you head, then jumping red lights and driving
the wrong way up one way streets.

Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and
dipping your chin in a bowl of iron fillings.

X File fans. Create the effect of being abducted be aliens by drinking two
bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the
following morning, having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'.

A sheet of sandpaper makes a cheap and effective substitute for costly maps
when visiting the Sahara desert.

Toblerone chocolate bars make ideal 'toast racks' for Ritz crackers.

Convince neighbours that you have invented a 'SHRINKING' device by ruffling
your hair, wearing a white laboratory coats and parking a JCB digger outside your house for a few days. Then dim and flicker the lights in your house during the night and replace the JCB unseen, with a Tonka toy of the same description. Watch their faces in the morning!

Have all your sh1ts at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper,
but you'll also be getting paid for it.

Feed bees oranges. Hey presto! They make marmalade instead of honey.

Nissan Micra drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car
before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgem cars
anyway, so it may as well look like one.

A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from
rolling over and going back to sleep.

Tape a chocolate bar to the outside of your microwave. If the chocolate
melts you will know that the microwaves are escaping and it is time to have
the oven serviced.
January 8th, 2005  
dougal
 
 
You know your family might be to into the army bit when...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

* Your wife's two favourite shades of lipstick are green and light green
* Before you hit the road on vacation you conduct rehearsals, backbriefs, and cover your convoy checklist.
* Your kids call the yard their AOR.
* You require your mechanic to replace the sandbags in your
floorboard as a part of a tune-up.
* Your station wagon is equipped with blackout lights.
* Your kids call their mother "Household 6."
* Your kids use the "F" word at least five times in every sentence.
* Your doorbell sounds off with the current challenge and password.
* Your house has range cards posted by every window.
* You give the command "Fix Bayonets" at Thanksgiving Dinner.
* You make your daughter fill out a leave pass on Prom Night.
* Your kindergartner calls recess "smoke break."
* Your wife calls foreplay "prepping the objective."
* Your wife conducts an AAR after sex.
* Your wife "takes a knee" in the checkout line at Wal-Mart.
* Your kids salute their grandparents.
* Your wife's "high-n-tight" is more squared away than your CO's.
* Your kids recite their ABCs phonetically.
* You divorced your wife and then you held a "Change of Command" ceremony.
* All your possessions are military issue.
* Your daughter's first haircut was a flattop.
* Your kids pull fire picket.
* Your older kids call the youngest one "FNG"

http://www.militaryforums.co.uk./fo...opic.php?t=7597
January 8th, 2005  
dougal
 
 
as adopted from one similar on limerick...

IF STAR WARS WAS SET IN DROGHEDA
Chewbacca would look roughly the same except he'd only be 6'6" tall, from "Da Towin" and have no name. He'd have the same amount of body hair but would also have tattoos, would permanently smell of drink and wear a leather waistcoat. LOVE and HATE would be tattooed to his knuckles. He'd work as a bouncer in McHughs.
Obi-Wan Kenobi would invariably be referred to as “Da Big Fella”. People trying to start a fight with him would refer to his mother or describe him as "ya big fookin ****".
Darth Vader would be referred to as "Da Feen" and wear the mask because he was viciously attacked by a drunken wino one night outside The Tholsel and still bears the horrific scars. He would be a member of the Reilly family and would be driven around in the back of a Hiace looking for a fight off the knackers down around Mell.
Princess Leia would be called Princess Leanne and would have her hair dyed blonde since she was 12 and be referred to as a "burd" or "yer one". She and her 5 year old would live in the Four Lanterns and would be the prime catch.
R2D2 would refuse to go out on the streets after 10pm because of the number of foreign students who would try to puke into him or tie their bicycle to him, or take him home to decorate their sitting room in Wheaton Hall. He would also refuse to go down the Ballymakenny Road for fear of being run over by a drunken Volvo driving Ralph Lauren clad rugby player. Gangs of "skangers" hanging around outside Dominics Bridge park or Ballsgrove smokin' ganj and carrying stanley knives uttering things such as "d’ya know wha I mean?" or "wha ya sayin’ ?" would also seriously endanger his life.
The Ewoks would be the annoying little bastards that go looking for fights with guys 3 times their age and 4 times their size. They'd hang around West Street and instead of chanting mumbled songs, would shout obscenities such as "D’ya wanna fight, ya faggit?" or "I'll knock ya out, ya fookin’ queer" at passers-by or Grammar School students. Instead of flimsy bits of clothes made out animal skins, they'd wear baggy, puffy Adidas, Nike and Le Coq Sportif sports clothes in florescent colours. The Battle for Endor would actually be just rival youth gangs from Moneymore and Brookville.
Jabba the Hut would be a pimp, living on James’ Street above the Afro-Caribbean Superstore. Along with all the prostitutes and drugs, he'd also dabble in a bit of radio piracy. He'd be the main D.J. and would play dance music all day long. Things like this would be heard on the station: "I 'd like to give a big shout out to Jacinta and J.P. dere in Marian Paaaak. I know J.P. and he loves fookin ' de buuurds. We'll have somethin ' from da Vengaboyis dere for yiz in about two minutes."
Luke Skywalker from Tatooine would be Mikey O' Shea from Stameen and would get a baitin' every Saturday from the Skangers hangin' around in the Boyne Cinema down by Bolton Square when he'd come into the town. He would be referred to as a "Fookin posh baaastud."
Although proficient in over 3,500 languages C3PO would still be unable to understand what anyone who works on the RyuSyo line says. He would be referred to in the local vernacular as "a fookin queer".
The storm troopers would be called "Da Pigs" and wouldn't fight the rebel alliance; they'd drive around in "Pigwagons" and spruced-up Ford Mondeos and be involved in high speed chases at 2 in the morning after stolen Honda Civics around the Rathmullen area.
The Millennium Falcon would have alloy wheels, a body kit, 5 spots on the front bumper and the chassis would be no higher than 4cm off the ground and would often be found abandoned near Marley’s Lane or down by the Grammar School. It would have a 'No Fear' sticker in the back window and an LMFM "UP MEATH" sticker dating from 1996 on the windscreen. It would have four spoilers and a muffler on the exhaust and be constantly tuned into Club FM. 'The Launch' would be heard from miles around from the five 100 Watt speakers placed around the interior.
Princess Leia would get captured by Darth Vader because it's hard to run very fast when you're wearing 5 inch platform heels and a tiny silver mini skirt which keeps hiking up over your arse every two steps. Especially through piles of puke outside Abrakebabra.
January 8th, 2005  
dougal
 
 
some i like...

: If they only realized 90% of the overtime they pay me is only cause i like staying here playing with Kazaa when the bandwidth picks up after hours.
: If any of my employees did that they'd be fired instantly.
: Where u work?
: I'm the CTO at LowerMyBills.com
*** Ben174 (BenWright@TeraPro33-41.LowerMyBills.com) Quit (Leaving)

haha, last night, me and pete went out to celebrate his engagement and got hugely drunk
we got this great idea to bury eachother in the sand close to the water and see who would chicken out first
took about a half hour, but the water got up to my face so i freaked and got out
i looked around for pete and he must've chickened out before me and stumbled home or something heh
What'd he say when he woke up this morning?
uhh.. he hasn't come home yet.. i thought he was staying with you?
holy ****.
i ****ing hope im wrong about what im thinking right now
im ****ing going back to the beach to make sure
if he gets home, call me, i don't want to be worrying about this
will do. you better hope he's not still buried, you'll be in deep shit.
quit: (DeadMansHand)
wtf? pete came home last night you ****. Ken's going to be worrying about this shit all day
haha yea, but it will be fun while it lasts
join: (PeteRepeat) (bob@3F8C4655.11D1C8C.18637D35.IP)
****ing ken
ken... that ****er buried me in the sand last night, i ran off about 5 minutes to it, left him there to be an idiot
pete, ken didn't come back last night, i thought he was with you.
oh ****.
if ken shows up, make sure he doesn't know that im at the beach digging for his body. i don't want him to think i care or anything.
quit: (PeteRepeat)
rofl. Those 2 are going to get a huge surprise when they meet at the beach.
i can't beleive how perfect their timing was

docsigma2000: jesus christ man
docsigma2000: my son is sooooooo dead
c8info: Why?
docsigma2000: hes been looking at internet web sites in ****ing EUROPE
docsigma2000: HE IS SURFING LONG DISTANCE
docsigma2000: our ****ing phone bill is gonna be nuts
c8info: Ooh, this is bad. Surfing long distance adds an extra $69.99 to your bill per hour.
docsigma2000: ...!!!!!! **** **** ****
docsigma2000: is there some plan we can sign up for???
docsigma2000: cuz theres some cool stuff in europe, but i dun wanna pauy that much
c8info: Sorry, no. There is no plan. you'll have to live with it.
docsigma2000: o well, i ccan live without europe intenet sites.
docsigma2000: but till i figure out how to block it hes sooooo dead
c8info: By the way, I'm from Europe, your chatting long distance.
** docsigma2000 has quit (Connection reset by peer)

(JHawk111420) Hey whats up, a/s/l?
(Lady Renegade) more than you want, I'm sure
(JHawk111420) ill take that as a challenge
(Lady Renegade) take it any way you want sweetie
(JHawk111420) k, how old are ya?
(Lady Renegade) probably too old for you, but let's pretend I'm 20
(JHawk111420) k, what do ya look like?
(Lady Renegade) before or after I'm dressed up?
(JHawk111420) both
(Lady Renegade) well......after I'm dressed up, I have long sexy red hair, nails painted red to match the slinky dress I have on, stiletto heels, pouty lips, green eyes, boobs out to here, and a smile that stops
traffic
(JHawk111420) and before your dressed up?
(Lady Renegade) before I'm dressed up, I'm bald and wearing boxers...sometimes my weenie is peeking out
(Lady Renegade) hello?
(Lady Renegade) hello?
(Lady Renegade) hello ....
January 8th, 2005  
dougal
 
 
some i like...

: If they only realized 90% of the overtime they pay me is only cause i like staying here playing with Kazaa when the bandwidth picks up after hours.
: If any of my employees did that they'd be fired instantly.
: Where u work?
: I'm the CTO at LowerMyBills.com
*** Ben174 (BenWright@TeraPro33-41.LowerMyBills.com) Quit (Leaving)

haha, last night, me and pete went out to celebrate his engagement and got hugely drunk
we got this great idea to bury eachother in the sand close to the water and see who would chicken out first
took about a half hour, but the water got up to my face so i freaked and got out
i looked around for pete and he must've chickened out before me and stumbled home or something heh
What'd he say when he woke up this morning?
uhh.. he hasn't come home yet.. i thought he was staying with you?
holy ****.
i ****ing hope im wrong about what im thinking right now
im ****ing going back to the beach to make sure
if he gets home, call me, i don't want to be worrying about this
will do. you better hope he's not still buried, you'll be in deep shit.
quit: (DeadMansHand)
wtf? pete came home last night you ****. Ken's going to be worrying about this shit all day
haha yea, but it will be fun while it lasts
join: (PeteRepeat) (bob@3F8C4655.11D1C8C.18637D35.IP)
****ing ken
ken... that ****er buried me in the sand last night, i ran off about 5 minutes to it, left him there to be an idiot
pete, ken didn't come back last night, i thought he was with you.
oh ****.
if ken shows up, make sure he doesn't know that im at the beach digging for his body. i don't want him to think i care or anything.
quit: (PeteRepeat)
rofl. Those 2 are going to get a huge surprise when they meet at the beach.
i can't beleive how perfect their timing was

docsigma2000: jesus christ man
docsigma2000: my son is sooooooo dead
c8info: Why?
docsigma2000: hes been looking at internet web sites in ****ing EUROPE
docsigma2000: HE IS SURFING LONG DISTANCE
docsigma2000: our ****ing phone bill is gonna be nuts
c8info: Ooh, this is bad. Surfing long distance adds an extra $69.99 to your bill per hour.
docsigma2000: ...!!!!!! **** **** ****
docsigma2000: is there some plan we can sign up for???
docsigma2000: cuz theres some cool stuff in europe, but i dun wanna pauy that much
c8info: Sorry, no. There is no plan. you'll have to live with it.
docsigma2000: o well, i ccan live without europe intenet sites.
docsigma2000: but till i figure out how to block it hes sooooo dead
c8info: By the way, I'm from Europe, your chatting long distance.
** docsigma2000 has quit (Connection reset by peer)

(JHawk111420) Hey whats up, a/s/l?
(Lady Renegade) more than you want, I'm sure
(JHawk111420) ill take that as a challenge
(Lady Renegade) take it any way you want sweetie
(JHawk111420) k, how old are ya?
(Lady Renegade) probably too old for you, but let's pretend I'm 20
(JHawk111420) k, what do ya look like?
(Lady Renegade) before or after I'm dressed up?
(JHawk111420) both
(Lady Renegade) well......after I'm dressed up, I have long sexy red hair, nails painted red to match the slinky dress I have on, stiletto heels, pouty lips, green eyes, boobs out to here, and a smile that stops
traffic
(JHawk111420) and before your dressed up?
(Lady Renegade) before I'm dressed up, I'm bald and wearing boxers...sometimes my weenie is peeking out
(Lady Renegade) hello?
(Lady Renegade) hello?
(Lady Renegade) hello ....