Dougals joke post. MODs please let back to back posts - Page 4




 
--
Boots
 
December 2nd, 2004  
dougal
 
 
The Royal Munster Fusiliers were dug in on the western front during the Great War. Things were pretty static and too quiet for one Munster so, knowing that lots of Germans were called Hans, he crawled across No Mans Land to the German wire one night and called out "Hans, Hans". Sure enough Hans stuck up his head "Ja" and Paddy shot him.

Next night, same thing and the night after and the night after for a week.

Pretty soon all the huns named Hans were getting nervous. So one night, a hun named Hans crawled across to the Irish wire, and called out "Paddy, Paddy"

Immediately came the reply "Is that you Hans?"

"Ja"

And Paddy shot him
December 3rd, 2004  
dougal
 
 
There once was a bloke called Jack the Lad and he was a bit of a boy. One night he was getting home and he was late. He was legging it through a built up area he passes the 30mph sign at 60 , he's giving it some, 70.......80.......90......he's doing 90 in a 30 zone! He looks in his rearview mirror and sees flashing blue lights. He thinks **** and pulls over. He's waiting in his car, looking at his watch "Come on you ****, stop wasting my time" He's thinking. The copper comes to his window and says "Sir you do realise you were doing 90 in a 30mph zone?" "Yeah,Yeah, whats the fine I'm late." The copper replies "First a few particulars." Jacks pissed off "Yeah,Yeah what ever." "Name?" "Jack the Lad" "What do you do for a living Mr Lad?" "I'm an arsehole stretcher" "An arsehole stretcher? What's that?" "Well, what you do is....you get this tight arsehole. Take two fingers and you jab them in. Once they are in, you wiggle them around so that you can get four fingers in, then thrust a bit further so you get your hand in. Now that the hand is in you give a real big push and get your elbow round. Now that the elbows in you get your shoulder in and duck under so your head can squezze in. With this leverage you get the other shoulder in, now you have to try and bring your knees up so you get in there until you stand up to be a six-foot arsehole." "So what do you do with a six-foot arsehole then?" Jack replies "Give it a blue uniform and stick it in a panda car"
December 3rd, 2004  
dougal
 
 
Q: What makes a pair of shoes? A: two shoes



Q: What has no wings, no motor, but flies all over? A: A used piece of fly paper



Q: What is the best way to keep fish from smelling? A: Cut their noses off



Q: What color is the grass covered with snow? A: snowy green



a single guy walks into the supermarket. He buys one stick of gum, one toothbrush, one bottle of shampoo, one bannana, one bar of soap, one small bottle of milk, and one sandwich. He sees that there is a damn fine woman who is working at the checkout counter, so he approaches that very counter to check out at. After she eyes him and his items, she says "single, eh?" The man replies with, "why do you say that, because I bought one of everything?" She says, "No, cause youre ****ing ugly!"
--
Boots
December 3rd, 2004  
dougal
 
 
One day the pope and the queen were on the balcony of the palace waving to thousands of people on the streets below. the queen was getting a bit bord, so she turned to the pope and said "I say, I bet you 100 pounds that with one wave of my hand I can make every englishman cheer" the pope turned and said "well I am not a betting man, but go on anyway!" so the queen looked out to the public and waved as high as she could. Sure enough, almost the whole crowd cheered and shouted. She turned to the pope and smiled. "Now," the pope began "I bet you 200 pounds that with one bow of my head everyone from northan Ireland cheer louder than the english" The queen turned and said "you're on, sir!" So the pope nutted the queen!!
December 5th, 2004  
dougal
 
 
http://www.royalmarinesigs.co.uk/pages/vid1.htm

a must look
December 5th, 2004  
beardo
 
Nice

oh...and that one with the quicksand...that was the army showing they could do it better than the marines lol


the best one was the one from ''the fast show''

''You go sir''
''**** off''
December 6th, 2004  
dougal
 
 
One day (pre gulf war 2) saddam hussaien is sitting at home when his phone rings. He picks it up and a voice with a heavy accent says, is that saddam, he says yes. The man said, my name is paddy, im from cavan in ireland and im calling you up to declare war. Saddam says well thats very serious, how big an army do you have. Well theres me, my cousin sean and the dominos team from the pub so thats eight all together. OK said saddam, do you know i have an army of over 1 million at my command.

I'll call ya back says paddy.

The next day paddys calls up and says, yep the war is still on we got some equipment. What equipment did you get asked saddam, paddy said, we got two combine harvesters and three tractors, saddam says, dont you know i have 14,000 tanks and 20,000 personelle carriers. By the way my army as increased to one and a half million since we last spoke. Hold on says Paddy i'll ring you back.

The next day he calls back again and says, yeah just lettin ya know the war is still on. My cousin Seamas has a glider plane we managed to put a few guns in it and the war is on. Sadam says dont you know i have 3,000 state of the art fighter planes and each of my cities is guarded by laser guided surface to air missiles. My army has increased to 2 million since we last spoke. Hold on says Paddy i'll call you back.

The next day paddy calls back and says, yep bad news the war is off. Really says saddam thats too bad, how come? Paddy says.....well i had a word with the lads and there is no way we can feed 2 million prisoners. :flagwave: :flagwave: :flagwave:
December 6th, 2004  
dougal
 
 
An Irishman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer were sitting together in a carriage in a train. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train, there were no lights in the carraiges and it went completely dark. Then there was a kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap.

When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Irishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped there.

The Englishman was thinking, "The Irish fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead." Claudia Schiffer was thinking, "The English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Irishman and got slapped for it." And the Irishman was thinking, "This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and slap that English b**tard again."!!!
December 6th, 2004  
Anya1982
 
 

Topic: time.................


Talk about taking your time to write all that out dougal.....................did ya draw any breath?
December 6th, 2004  
dougal
 
 
O very little. I use most of it up drinking