Dougals joke post. MODs please let back to back posts - Page 2




 
--
Boots
 
November 12th, 2004  
dougal
 
 
TOP TEN REASONS STUDYING IS BETTER THAN SEX!

10. YOU CAN USUALLY FIND SOMEONE TO DO IT WITH.

9. IF YOU GET TIRED, YOU CAN STOP, SAVE YOUR PLACE AND PICK UP
WHERE YOU LEFT OFF.

8. YOU CAN FINISH EARLY WITH-OUT FEELINGS OF GUILT OR SHAME.

7. WHEN YOU OPEN A BOOK, YOU DON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT WHO ELSE HAS
OPENED IT.

6. A LITTLE COFFEE AND YOU CAN DO IT ALL NIGHT.

5. IF YOU DON'T FINISH A CHAPTER YOU WON'T GAIN A REPUTATION AS A
"BOOK TEASER"

4. YOU CAN DO IT, EAT AND WATCH T.V. ALL AT THE SAME TIME.

3. YOU DON'T GET EMBARASSED IF YOUR PARENTS INTERRUPT YOU IN THE
MIDDLE.

2. YOU DON'T HAVE TO PUT YOUR BEER DOWN TO DO IT.

1. IF YOU AREN'T SURE WHAT YOU'RE DOING, YOU CAN ALWAYS ASK YOUR
ROOMMATE FOR HELP!
November 12th, 2004  
dougal
 
 
Budget cuts to the Defence force forced the fc to start doing mock combat using no explosives, guns, or basically any equipment what-so-ever, so when it came to a training scenario, the Sergeant in charge tells his recruits that they are under imaginary fire, and what do they do?
So all of the recruits bar one scatter and get down behind "stuff", and get into returning fire positions.
The Sergeant notices this one recruit standing out in the open, quite relaxed and unfazed. Yelling, the Sergeant asks "What the devil do you think you're doing? You're under fire!" So the recruit takes one step to the left and remains still.
Now the Sergeant's really annoyed. He yells again, "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING? You're under imaginary fire, take cover!" The recruit turns to him and replies,
"I'm taking cover behind this imaginary tree Sergeant!"
November 12th, 2004  
bonnieblue716
 
 
those are great, I've got one that's so LAME, its cute. I hope you don't mind if I post it here. It's to lame to post in the regular joke forum, to many people would have to read it.

Two potatoes are standing on a street corner. How do you tell which one is the prostitute?
Look for the one that says IDAHO.
--
Boots
November 13th, 2004  
USAOwnz
 
Good ones!!!
November 18th, 2004  
dougal
 
 
In The US Tank school, the following are defitnitions, as appropriate, by the different organizations that support the tank:

In the tank gunnery school, you are taught that if your tank could move, and communicate but could not shoot, what you had was a worthless tank.

In the tank propulsion school, you are taught if your tank could shoot, and communicate, but could not move, what you had was a worthless tank.

in the tank communication school, you are taught that if your tank can move, and communicate, but can not shoot, what you have essentially is a 52 ton portable radio.
November 22nd, 2004  
dougal
 
 
This is an imaginary situation, but I think you will find it beneficial to think through this exercise.
The situation: You are in the Middle East, and there is a huge flood in progress. Many homes have been lost, water supplies compromised and structures destroyed.
You're a freelance photographer for a news service, you're traveling alone, looking for particularly poignant scenes that you can shoot.
You come across Osama Bin Ladeen who has been swept away by the floodwaters. He is barely hanging on to a tree limb and is about to go under.
You have to make a choice. You can either put down your camera and save him, or take a Pulitzer Prize winning photograph of him as he loses his grip on the limb.

So, here's the question ... and please think carefully before you answer it:





which lens do you use
November 22nd, 2004  
dougal
 
 
PECKING ORDER (ARMY)

GENERAL:
Leaps tall buildings with a single bound, is more powerful than a locomotive, is faster than a speeding bullet, walks on water amid typhoons, reviews policy with God.

COLONEL:
Leaps short buildings with a single bound, is more powerful than a switch engine, is just as fast as a speeding bullet, walks on water if sea is calm, talks to God.

LIEUTENANT COLONEL:
Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds, is almost as powerful as a switch engine, is faster than a speeding BB, walks on water in indoor swimming pool, talks to God only if a special request chit is approved.

COMMANDANT:
Barely clears Quonset hut, loses tug-of-war with switch-engine, can fire a speeding bullet, swims well in a swimming pool, is occasionally addressed by God.

CAPTAIN:
Makes high marks by trying to leap buildings, is run over by the locomotive, can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self injury, dog paddles in a swimming pool, talks to animals.

LIEUTENANT :
Runs into buildings, recognizes locomotives two out of three times, is not issued ammunition, can stay afloat if properly instructed in a swimming pool, talks to walls.

2nd LIEUTENANT:
Falls over doorstep when trying to enter building, says look at the Choo-Choo, wets himself, plays in mud puddles, mumbles to himself.

SGT MAJOR:
Lifts buildings and walks under them, kicks locomotives off the tracks, catches speeding bullets in his teeth and eats them, freezes water with a single glance, makes policy and enforces it, HE IS GOD.
November 22nd, 2004  
dougal
 
 
The instructor in a basic-training course asked a private what he would
do if he saw a figure crawling toward his post while on assigned guard duty.
"Why, I'd help the N.C.O. to his billet." said the private.
Sergeant to recruit: "Wipe that opinion off your face !"
November 22nd, 2004  
dougal
 
 
An army Major visits the sick soldiers, goes up to one private and asks -
"What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic syphilis, Sir!"
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day, Sir!"
"What's your ambition?"
"To get back to the front lines, Sir!"
"Good man!" says the Major.

He goes to the next bed.
"What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic piles, Sir!"
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day, Sir!"
"What's your ambition?"
"To get back to the front lines, Sir!"
"Good man!" says the Major.

He goes to the next bed.
"What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic gum disease, Sir!"
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day, Sir!"
"What's your ambition?"
"To get to the front of the line and get the wire brush before the other two - Sir!"
November 22nd, 2004  
dougal
 
 
Adolf Hitler is speeding through Germany with his chauffeur at the wheel on his way to an important address.
Driving down a country road, the chauffeur (who is distracted, looking out the window at the countryside) doesn't see a pig walk out onto the road, and he hits in with the car.

Stopping the car, he jumps out, and Adolf climbs out also to see what is going on. The chauffeur, very distressed by what he's done asks Hitler what they should do, and Hitler tells him impatiently that they're in a hurry and they should move the pig to the side of the road and go to the address and worry about it later.

All the way to the address the chauffeur, who is a fairly good-hearted person despite his employer, is worried about the family who owned the pig and wondered how they'd react to discovering the pig, so when they arrived he asked Hitler whether he shouldn't drive back to the farm and let them know what happened.

Hitler agrees before hurrying to the podium, and the Chauffeur hurries back down the road.

Four hours later, stumbling down the road, his arms full of sausage and bread and his breath smelling of liquor.

Hitler in a rage demands to know what has happened to him, and the chauffeur explains, "I did what I thought was right. I went to the farm where I killed the pig. When I went and knocked on the door and gave them the news, they gave me this sausage and bread, fed me the best ale I've ever tasted and let me have their way with their beautiful nubile young daughter and then sent me on my way."

Adolf seemed confused by this and asks his chauffeur, "well what exactly did you tell them?"

To which the chauffeur replied "I really can't understand it either, all I did was tell them "I'm Hitler's Chauffeur, and I killed the pig."