Dougals joke post. MODs please let back to back posts - Page 11




 
--
Boots
 
February 23rd, 2005  
A Can of Man
 
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by dougal
While riding one day, a Marine met an Iraqi riding a camel with a dog and a sheep walking behind and began a conversation.

Marine: "Hey, cool dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?"

Iraqi: "Dog no talk."

Marine: "Hey dog, how's it going?"

Dog: "Doin' all right."

Iraqi: Look of shock.

Marine: "Is this Iraqi your owner?" pointing at the Iraqi.

Dog: "Yep"

Marine: "How does he treat you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the oasis once a week to play."

Iraqi: Look of total disbelief.

Marine: "Mind if I talk to your camel?"

Iraqi: "Horse no talk."

Marine: "Hey camel, how's it going?"

Camel: "Cool."

Iraqi: Extreme look of shock.

Marine: "Is this your owner? " pointing at the Iraqi.

Camel: "Yep"

Marine: "How's he treat you?"

Camel: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in a shed to protect me."

Iraqi: Total look of utter amazement.

Marine: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

Iraqi: "Sheep liar."
This one rules
March 28th, 2005  
dougal
 
 
Now for some poper jokes again!!



How To Shower Like a Woman
> >
> > Take off cloths and place them sectioned in laundry basket
according to
> > lights and darks.
> > Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
> > If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
> > Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to
do
more
> > sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
> > Get in the shower.
> > Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and
pumice
> > stone.
> > Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added
> vitamins.
> > Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
> > Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.
> > Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes
until
> red.
> > Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
> > Rinse conditioner off hair.
> > Shave armpits and legs.
> > Turn off shower.
> > Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
> > Spray mold spots with Tile cleaner.
> > Get out of shower.
> > Dry with towel the size of a small country.
> > Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
> > Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
> > If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
> >
> > How To Shower Like a Man
> > Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave
them in
a
> > pile.
> > Walk naked to the bathroom.
> > If you see wife along the way, shake willy at her making the
'woo-woo'
> > sound.
> > Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
> > Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum.
> > Get in the shower.
> > Wash your face.
> > Wash your armpits.
> > Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
> > Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
> > Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
> > Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap.
> > Wash your hair.
> > Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
> > Wee.
> > Rinse off and get out of shower.
> > Partially dry off.
> > Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of
bath
the
> > whole time.
> > Admire willy size in mirror again.
> > Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor,light and fan on.
> > Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
> > If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the
> 'woo-woo'
> > sound again.
> > Throw wet towel on bed.
March 28th, 2005  
dougal
 
 
'Flogging a dead Civil Service horse'

The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed down from
generation to generation, says that when you discover that you
are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount. In
the Civil Service,however, a whole range of far more advanced
strategies is often employed, such as:

1. Change riders.

2. Buy a stronger whip.

3. Do nothing: "This is the way we have always ridden dead
horses".

4. Visit other countries to see how they ride dead horses.

5. Perform a productivity study to see if lighter riders improve
the dead horse's performance.

6. Hire a contractor to ride the dead horse. (Can be as useful
as a saddle when it comes to protecting your rear)

7. Harness several dead horses together in an attempt to
increase the speed.

8. Provide additional funding and/or training to increase the
dead horse's performance.

9. Appoint a committee to study the horse and assess how dead it
actually is.

10. Re-classify the dead horse as "living-impaired".

11. Develop a Strategic Plan for the management of dead horses.

12. Rewrite the expected performance requirements for all
horses.

13. Modify existing standards to include dead horses.

14. Declare that, as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it
is less costly, carries lower overheads, and therefore
contributes substantially more to the bottom line than many
other horses.

15. Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position. (but the
competition for positions is fierce).
--
Boots
March 28th, 2005  
dougal
 
 
RANK RECOGNITION MADE EASY

General
Faster than a speeding bullet.
More powerful than a locomotive.
Leaps tall buildings in a single bound.
Walks on water.
Lunches with God, but must pick up tab.

Colonel

Almost as fast as a speeding bullet.
More powerful than a shunting engine on a steep incline.
Leaps short buildings with a single bound.
Walks on water if sea is calm.
Talks to God.

Lieutenant-Colonel

Faster than an energetically thrown rock.
Almost as powerful as a speeding bullet.
Leaps short buildings with a running start in favourable winds.
Walks on water of indoor swimming pools if lifeguard is present.
May be granted audience with God if special request is approved at least three working days in advance.

Major

Can fire a speeding bullet with tolerable accuracy.
Loses tug-of-war against anything mechanical.
Makes impressively high marks
when trying to leap tall buildings.
Swims well.
Is occasionally addressed by God, in passing.

Captain

Can sometimes handle firearm without shooting self.
Is run over by trains.
Barely clears outhouse.
Dog paddles.
Mumbles to self.

Lieutenant

Is dangerous to self and comrades if armed and unsupervised.
Recognizes trains two out of three times.
Runs into tall buildings.
Can stay afloat if properly instructed in the use of life jacket and water wings.
Talks to walls.

2nd Lieutenant

Can be trusted with either gun or ammunition but never both.
Must have train ticket pinned to jacket and mittens tied to sleeves.
Falls over doorsteps while trying to enter tall buildings.
Plays in Mud puddles.
Studders.

Officer Cadet

Under no circumstances to be issued with gun or ammunition, and must even be closely supervised when handling sharp pieces of paper - staples are right out.
Says: "Look at choo choo!"
Not allowed inside buildings of any size.
Makes good boat anchor.
Mere existence makes God shudder.

Sergeant-Major

Catches hyper sonic armour peircing fin stabilized discarding sabot depleted uranium long rod penetrators in his teeth and eats them.
Kicks bullet trains off their tracks.
Uproots tall buildings and walk under them.
Freezes water with a single glance; parts it with trifling gesture.

Is God.
May 28th, 2005  
dougal
 
 
10 signs that you are a student no more..

1. You no longer have a strange attraction to road signs when drunk.
2. Your friends marry and divorce instead of get together and break-up
3. You hear your favourite song in the lift at work
4. Having sex in a single bed is absurd
5. You don't get ideas for drinks from local tramps
6. A fire in the kitchen is not a laugh
7. You go to the chemist for Panadol and antacids, not condoms and pregnancy test kits
8. A EUR3 bottle of wine is no longer 'pretty good stuff'
9. Breaking the law means doing 40 in a 30 zone
10. Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work
August 6th, 2005  
dougal
 
 
Does this post need a top up?
August 27th, 2005  
dougal
 
 
two cows are eating grass in a field when one turns to the other and says:
-what do you think about this mad cow disease?
-doesn't affect me mate.
- oh yeah, whys that?
- i'm a helicopter.
August 27th, 2005  
dougal
 
 
A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The busdriver said: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.

"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.

The man sympathized and said "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."

"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."

"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."
August 27th, 2005  
tomtom22
 
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by dougal
Does this post need a top up?
After the two that preceded this post, I don't think so!
Keep them coming!
September 30th, 2005  
dougal
 
 
Its not easy. Il try.