100 things wrong with G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra

5.56X45mm

5.56X45mm

Milforum Mac Daddy
I died a inside and I threw up a little in my mouth.

Dear :cen:ing God and all that is Holy it sucked ass. My entire childhood has been raped. I wish to file charges against Stephen Sommers for rape and sexual molestation.

Anyways.... the list.

1. The worst camouflage costumes since the Spice Girls
2. The Baroness not having a European/Austrian Accent
3. No Roadblock humping the Ma Deuce, simple as that....
4. The Baroness and Cobra Commander being Brother and Sister
5. Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow knowing each other since they were children
6. Storm Shadow looking like a gay
7. Cobra Commander's mask looking like a *** facial mask
8. The entire nanobot plot. I miss the Weather Control Machine.
9. The use of ICBMs with nanobots. Been played already in the first movie. Except it was spores.
10. The ****ing exo-suits.
11. Ripcord being played by Marlon Wayans. Ripcord is the whitest mother ****er in the joes.
12. Brendan Fraser as Sgt. Stone.... WTF? What happened to Beachhead?
13. The Pit being in Egypt. That's supposed to be in the American Midwest.
14. The Neo-Vipers.... are you ****ing kidding me? Someone played a little too much "Army of Two"
15. Breaker being a French Moroccan... He was born in Gatlinburg, Tennessee and had a habit of chewing gum in combat
16. No Stalker.... simple as that
17. Scarlett's Crossbow was horrible
18. No Lady Jaye.....
19. No Flint.....
20. Ripcord and Scarlett falling in love? WTF!?!?!?!? It's supposed to be Snake Eye's and Scarlett.
21. Snake Eye's vow of silence. He loses his ability to talk because he rescued Scarlett and Stalker from a chopper wreck
22. No mention of Cobra Commander hiring Firefly and Zartan to kill the Silent Master
23. No mention of the Oktober Guard.
24. No mention of Firely.
25. Dr. Mindbender is a geek and has such a minor role
26. Cobra Commander masquerading as Dr. Mindbender for the majority of the film.
27. The ****ing weapons.... can't we just have normal rifles, pistols, and sub machine guns?
28. GM ****ing ads. This isn't Transformers.
29. Heavy Duty was a waste of space.... Once again.... NO ROADBLOCK
30. Duke and the Baroness lovers?
31. Nanobots in the Baroness and she later helps Duke.... WHY?!?!?!?!?!
32. No Bazooka and Gung-Ho....
33. General Hawk was made to look like a pussy
34. Cover Girl killed by Zartan and played such a small role in the film
35. Not a single appearance of the Cobra Sigil
36. Destro attacking like a coward and a pussy
37. Snake Eyes wearing white clothing?
38. France.... they made France look good.
39. Zartan becomes the President of the United States of America....
40. M.A.R.S. has a weapon factory in the middle of a muslim ex-soviet breakaway republic? What happened to Scotland?
41. Underwater dog fight and not Deep Six and Wet Suit.... FAIL!
42. Underwater battle and the Joes can't wear dive suits?
43. Duke able to pilot and advance sub like a fighter aircraft with the Baroness acting as co-pilot and rear gunner?
44. No mention of the Iron Grenadiers? Destro's elite guard.
45. Cobra Commander isn't a pissed off used car sales man that starts Cobra through a pyramid scheme
46. BROCA Beach, New Jersey and ABCRO Industries. If you don't understand.... don't ask.
47. Springfield, a Nice little town.... not in the film.
48. Shitty Acting
49. The Baroness only used the H&K MP7 for about thirty seconds... then resorts to a laser blaster
50. Ripcord piloting a Cobra Night Raven
51. This movie costing me $8.50 with a student discount
52. Cobra Commander acting like Darth Vader with a breathing issue
53. Not a single mention of Wild Bill and Lift Ticket operating helicopters
54. No Dial Tone....
55. Snake Eyes' costume looking like ****
56. Tranformers was more G.I. Joe then G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra.....
icon_smile_dissapprove.gif

57. Xamot and Tomax not in the film.... same with no Crimson Guard
58. THE MUSIC WAS HORRIBLE
59. Not hint of Major Bludd and his bad poetry
60. Cobra has a Arctic base and yet no Snow Job.....
61. Energy Weapons.... Why I must ask
62. Cobra knowing about G.I. Joe when no one else does
63. The futuristic tech crap
64. The Paris chase scene.... 'Nuff Said...
65. The use of shitty CG animation
67. Only seeing the USS Flagg at the end of the film
68. The choice of people for the film....
69. The Baroness being named Anna Louis? Seriously?
70. The Baroness married to a Frenchman
71. They even ****ed up the Baroness' costume. Rhinestone.....
72. G.I. Joe being international. Only two foreign members have ever joined. Red Star (Second leader of the Oktober Guard) and Big Ben (British Character made for the UK's version and became popular enough for American fans)
73. No normal Cobra Vipers
74. No Alley Vipers
75. No HISS Tanks
76. Nanobots making Destro's face metal.... HE HAD THE ****ING REAL MASK
77. Stephen Sommers making this piece of crap
78. The cheesy one liners and crappy acting
79. No sense of American Pride
80. Nemesis Enforcer was ****ing awesome as **** in the original animated movie. No one like him in this
81. Recording a dead man's memories onto a tablet PC with three inch metal probes
82. Nanobots..... WTF! This isn't Commie Star Trek with the Borg
83. Exo-Suits that can run at 60mph-70mph, armoured to the core, and they can't break French Police handcuffs?
84. No Slipstream or Ace piloting a F22
85. Set in the near Future
86. The Cobra Night Raven needing to take voice commands in Scottish?
87. Ripcord flying at Mach 6 and not passing out because of G-Forces?
88. Duke being a Captain? He works for a living. He's supposed to be a Sergeant.
89. No mention of the Dreadnoks
90. Instead of Nanobot Brainwashed Neo-Vipers. They could have used the Cobra B.A.T.s
91. Giant underwater battle scene..... seriously?
92. Cobra not recruiting the underbelly of society to serve as vipers.... Brainwashed troops.
93. Sgt. Slaughter not there.... 'Nuff Said
94. The Gun Battles in the PIT were crap...
95. Nanobot Warheads.... couldn't nukes work better. How about chemical or biological weapons
96. No Cobra Rattler - It makes the A-10 Warthog look like a child's toy
97. Storm Shadow killing the Silent Master? Zartan did it God dammit!
98. Stupid Introduction of the king cobra
99. No Tunnel Rat with a M-60E3
100. I watched this film still hoping for something that I'd like

In the end.... I this to say.

gi-joe-the-movie-b.jpg


Originally Said By Sgt. Slaughter:
This is for Gung-Ho, Alpine, and Bazooka. This is for Falcon. This is for Me. This is for Duke. And this is for the US of A! You make me sick.
 
Okay, I'll save the money and watch "District 9" and "Inglourious Basterds" later.​
 
I'm surprised you went to watch! I haven't.
Didn't figure it would be worth the price of the ticket... contemplated renting it out in future when I've got the feeling for a very bad movie.

My responses are in bold!

5.56X45mm said:
1. The worst camouflage costumes since the Spice Girls
I'm surprised they had cammo. Looked like just another version of X-Men.
2. The Baroness not having a European/Austrian Accent
That is an outrage. I mean seriously. Were they afraid that having more than one European villain would piss off the Europeans?
4. The Baroness and Cobra Commander being Brother and Sister
I swear these Hollywood types have been watching far too many Asian films.
7. Cobra Commander's mask looking like a *** facial mask
LMAO
10. The ****ing exo-suits.
All action figures in Hollywood will wear the black exoskeletal suits with a variety of functions. Since Batman's popular, we can't go wrong with 50 Batman ripoffs running around!!!
11. Ripcord being played by Marlon Wayans. Ripcord is the whitest mother ****er in the joes.
It's so that White folks who identified with Ripcord will now have to identify with their Black inner self. Will the real Ripcord please stand up?
13. The Pit being in Egypt. That's supposed to be in the American Midwest.
Because being in Egypt, where they're closer to the guys trying to blow them up, can't be hidden from prying foreign eyes and strategically located for the convenience of Anti-West demonstrators makes so much sense!!!
18. No Lady Jaye.....
You can't be serious....
20. Ripcord and Scarlett falling in love? WTF!?!?!?!? It's supposed to be Snake Eye's and Scarlett.
Interracial is in. Dating among the same ethnic lines is now facist. You didn't get the fax?
27. The ****ing weapons.... can't we just have normal rifles, pistols, and sub machine guns?
Because the weapons we use now are "bad" and are associated with America's endless oppression of folks who were doing oh so well until the American War Machine showed up! </sarcasm>
28. GM ****ing ads. This isn't Transformers.
Still loving rampant capitalism?
29. Heavy Duty was a waste of space.... Once again.... NO ROADBLOCK
Yeah, that would suck.
30. Duke and the Baroness lovers?
Blame Bollywood.
33. General Hawk was made to look like a pussy
Hollywood folks should visit some real military people for inspiration.
36. Destro attacking like a coward and a pussy
Because all bad guys are "cowards."
37. Snake Eyes wearing white clothing?
WTF??
38. France.... they made France look good.
Oh come on. They've been pretty good these days.
39. Zartan becomes the President of the United States of America....
Because AMERICA IS EVIL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! No, seriously, this is the dumbest thing I've ever heard....
40. M.A.R.S. has a weapon factory in the middle of a muslim ex-soviet breakaway republic? What happened to Scotland?
It would piss off the Scottish Nationalists. ;)
41. Underwater dog fight and not Deep Six and Wet Suit.... FAIL!
Major fail.
43. Duke able to pilot and advance sub like a fighter aircraft with the Baroness acting as co-pilot and rear gunner?
Fail!
44. No mention of the Iron Grenadiers? Destro's elite guard.
FAIL!
47. Springfield, a Nice little town.... not in the film.
It's a nice little American town. As far as we know no such place exists. America is a huge ghetto with gang violence and drug addicts!!! </sarcasm>
48. Shitty Acting
That's normal now.
51. This movie costing me $8.50 with a student discount
52. Cobra Commander acting like Darth Vader with a breathing issue
If all the black clothing wasn't enough...
54. No Dial Tone....
Apparently the same problem they had when they tried to call people who actually knew the first thing about GI Joe! (yeah I kid..)
55. Snake Eyes' costume looking like ****
56. Tranformers was more G.I. Joe then G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra.....
icon_smile_dissapprove.gif

Transformers was TOTALLY GI Joe. You're right. Despite the fact that the guys in it were not GI Joe characters, they'd fit right in.
60. Cobra has a Arctic base and yet no Snow Job.....
How???
63. The futuristic tech crap
It's okay if done right, but I don't think it's been done right.
64. The Paris chase scene.... 'Nuff Said...
Paris has been overused for too many movies.
69. The Baroness being named Anna Louis? Seriously?
W T F
71. They even ****ed up the Baroness' costume. Rhinestone.....
How can you get the Baroness's costume wrong??? HOW??? It was the closest thing to the black leather/plastic BS they made up for every other character.
72. G.I. Joe being international. Only two foreign members have ever joined. Red Star (Second leader of the Oktober Guard) and Big Ben (British Character made for the UK's version and became popular enough for American fans)
They should have made a totally different action series than ass jack GI Joe. GI doesn't mean Globally Integrated. It never did and it never will.
79. No sense of American Pride
Yeah seriously, the PC American self hate is retarded.
83. Exo-Suits that can run at 60mph-70mph, armoured to the core, and they can't break French Police handcuffs?
It's made of 3 day old French bread. You're asking the impossible. ;)
84. No Slipstream or Ace piloting a F22
No! The pilot is Russian. RUSSIA STRONG!!!111111
85. Set in the near Future
From the trailer, looks more like set in the far future.
87. Ripcord flying at Mach 6 and not passing out because of G-Forces?
Did he make maneuvers? If he did, his guts would burst.
88. Duke being a Captain? He works for a living. He's supposed to be a Sergeant.
THE BIGGEST ACT OF BLASPHEMY EVER. DUKE IS AN E-8 (as far as I know) BUT I GUESS THEY HAD TO PICK AN OFFICER SO APPEASE TO THE LITTLE 8 YEAR OLD OFFICER WANNABES.
92. Cobra not recruiting the underbelly of society to serve as vipers.... Brainwashed troops.
Because remember, the underbelly of society are the product of our faults. We didn't coddle them enough to get the education and attention they needed to have the same opportunities as... you get the idea... What a load of crap.
93. Sgt. Slaughter not there.... 'Nuff Said
I thought this was GI Joe movie.
100. I watched this film still hoping for something that I'd like
You were a fool not to stick with what you said earlier, that is to not watch it.
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I'm surprised they even took American money to allow anyone to watch this crap. Would have been more in tune with the spirit of this sad excuse for a film if they told everyone to go to the bank, change it to Euros, and then come back to buy the ticket.
 
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wel i kinda liked it :p i went in with an attitude of dont take this to serious, just sit back and enjoy, and i did :)

+ this movie was called rise of the cobra, so offcourse they aint "operational" yet, so i think many charachters will come in thr second movie.

and as for the movie "not being american" enough, well i like the USA i really do. but you guys need to stop about that. Alot of american movies have accredited alot of stuff to the americans while it was foreign, so i think just for one movie now that has an "international team" but still mostly americans you dont get to complain about it. (dont want to piss anybody off with this, but its the truth)

greets
 
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No, that's the problem.
It claims to be the beginning but it is missing THE FOUNDING MEMBERS of GI Joe. And a lot of minor characters who came later on were in it.
Mike, the problem is that GI Joe IS American.
I have no problem if they created something new and it was international. No problem at all whatsoever. Rainbow Six was a novel which became a very successful video game series which was a huge departure from Tom Clancy's very America-centric tradition and was extremely international from the get go, but it was new, it was meant to be that way, and we LIKED it that way.
But this is NOT what you do to GI Joe.

Save yourself the time and the money:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CZdgIA7E1xU
 
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Mikefrombelgium said:
wel i kinda liked it :p i went in with an attitude of dont take this to serious, just sit back and enjoy, and i did :)

+ this movie was called rise of the cobra, so offcourse they aint "operational" yet, so i think many charachters will come in thr second movie.

and as for the movie "not being american" enough, well i like the USA i really do. but you guys need to stop about that. Alot of american movies have accredited alot of stuff to the americans while it was foreign, so i think just for one movie now that has an "international team" but still mostly americans you dont get to complain about it. (dont want to piss anybody off with this, but its the truth)

greets
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What The_13th_Redneck said.....

G.I. Joe isn't international for a reason. It's an American thing.... Rainbow Six is international. G.I. Joe is named after the slang term for every American soldier in WWII.

When I came to America, I grew up watching it, reading the comics, and playing with the toys. Ask a lot of American Service men and women.... G.I. Joe was the reason to enlist.

Also the founding members of G.I. Joe were even mentioned. As for Cobra Commander and Cobra itself. It was alive and kicking before G.I. Joe existed. G.I. Joe was created to combat Cobra.
 
5.56X45mm said:
What The_13th_Redneck said.....

G.I. Joe isn't international for a reason. It's an American thing.... Rainbow Six is international. G.I. Joe is named after the slang term for every American soldier in WWII.

When I came to America, I grew up watching it, reading the comics, and playing with the toys. Ask a lot of American Service men and women.... G.I. Joe was the reason to enlist.

Also the founding members of G.I. Joe were even mentioned. As for Cobra Commander and Cobra itself. It was alive and kicking before G.I. Joe existed. G.I. Joe was created to combat Cobra.
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yes i know what you mean and i meant no disrespect. but its just that a lot of European things or Asian things have been Americanized in american movies, while it was fully european or asian. so to me it seems a little blunt to see that as a huge problem because of one movie now being made "international" altough more american. While it went the other way much more than one time.

i hope you understand me i know that my english isnt that understandable at times :p
 
Another a little bit disappointed G.I.Joe fan here, looked more like a sci-fi movie than a military action one...








.
 
To be perfectly honest, I was disappointed with the lack of true Joe in the movie. However, I still did like the movie in itself.
 
If it was some kind of "remake" then an international whatever might pass but it's not even some kind of foreign remake. It claims to be true to the GI Joe heritage which it doesn't even try to be.
 
THIS is GI Joe

gijoe2.jpg


Read the line at the bottom.
It's a major part of the American warrior tradition.
Yes I'm aware that it always had a large marketing/capitalistic element to it as well but it was always more than that.

It is why the 2009 movie angers a lot of us.
 
That's not even the true Joe to my generation. Our Joe had Kung Fu grip and vehicles that could launch missles capable of putting eye's out, he had a space capsule, he took out spy island, he was the chit.
 
03USMC said:
That's not even the true Joe to my generation. Our Joe had Kung Fu grip and vehicles that could launch missles capable of putting eye's out, he had a space capsule, he took out spy island, he was the chit.
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GI joe had kung fu grip? :p i had these little GI Joe's with all the flexible arms and legs, were there others?
 
03USMC said:
That's not even the true Joe to my generation. Our Joe had Kung Fu grip and vehicles that could launch missles capable of putting eye's out, he had a space capsule, he took out spy island, he was the chit.
Click to expand...

Oh the G.I. Joe of my generation also had missiles that could launch and poke out your eye. We also had jets, terror-dromes with launch-able fighter aircraft, spring loaded Scud launchers, seven foot long aircraft carriers, space shuttle launch center, and the best thing ever made......

Cobra Night Raven.... the SR-71 if it was armed to the teeth. Also the Cobra Condor was the coolest bomber ever built as a toy.
 
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