Words Women Use

13, you know what? Camilla once tried to enter the ugliest person competition in the whole of UK? And she was rejected. They told her "No professionals, please!"

One fo the reason Charlie kept her was because he likes antiques- old, ugly antiques...
 
Peggy Bundy (from Married With Children) comes in the door and says to Al (at the kitchen table) “Hi honey, did you miss me?”.
Al reply’s “With every bullet so far”.
 
Ah, yes. Al Bundy. "Bud, let me tell you the facts of life....Women- You can't live with them, the end."
 
More from that Great Man, Al Bundy, MARRIED WITH CHILDREN:
Bed ‘em, don’t wed ‘em; do ‘em, don’t woo ‘em; date ‘em, don’t mate ‘em.
Women just pretend to like you so they can take half your stuff.
To women, men are nothing more than an amusement park ride with life insurance

And don’t forget Mr. Floppy (an imaginary talking stuffed Bunny) from Unhappily Ever After:
Sex addiction is just an excuse for cheating on your wife. It’s funny how this “disease” only occurs around hot, young women. – if you can’t control yourself around fat, ex-prostitutes over 40 then you’ve got a disease.
 
FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use “fine” to describe how a woman looks, this will cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it’s an even trade.

NOTHING
This means “something” and you should be on your toes. “Nothing” is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. “Nothing” usually signifies an argument that will last “five minutes” and end with “Fine”.

GO AHEAD (With raised eyebrows!)
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over “Nothing” and will end with the word “Fine”.

GO AHEAD (Normal eyebrows)
This means “I give up” or “do what you want because I don’t care” You will get a “Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead” in just a few minutes, followed by “Nothing” and “Fine” and she will talk to you in about “five minutes” when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A “Loud Sigh” means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over “Nothing”.

SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. “Soft Sighs” mean that she is content. Your best bet is not to move or breathe and she will stay content.
That was hilarious! I got a similar one.

What girls say and what they actually mean...


"I love you so much!"- I cannot believe you're actually my boyfriend

"I'm fine." - Screw you, pay attention to me or you're not getting any

"It's not your fault" - It is so your damn fault, you schlag

"Let's do it" - I'm actually a horny man after a sex change operation

"Leave me alone" - Seriously, come near me and i will SNAP IT [your *****] IN 2

"What are you thinking?" - Drop everything you're doing right this second and tell me how you're always thinking about me.

"I look horrible tonight" - You have three seconds to come up with a list of reasons why this outfit/hairstyle suits me perfectly-or i WILL SNAP IT IN 2 (again-so that'll be 4)

"Does this make my butt look big?"- tell me my butt is perfect, or you better watch your own fat arse, buddy

"I'll get the cheque this time" - Nice try, but you're gonna be with your right hand tonight.

"Don't worry, there's no need for you to buy me a present" - I expect a gift that expresses your feelings for me precisely. And a card. And it better be damn expensive or else!

"I need some space" - Come near me and you're never seeing me naked again

"We need to talk" - I'm pregnant. Wah-Wah-Wah-Waaaawaaawaaawawawa (on trombone), or I'm breaking up with you.

"Fine." - As of now, The conversation has ended. Talk again and I WILL SNAP IT IN 2 (that's once again your *****, making it eights).

"I don't want to ruin our friendship" - (The girl's version of the f - word, in other words, F*** YOU!) You're just not hot enough for me. Can't be asked to tell you this because I like your personality and therefore want to hang around with you, and I want you to think you have a chance so you stay.

"5 minutes" - half an hour, possibly more. (do not attempt to wait it out on your feet. Find a sofa.)

"Nothing" - Everything, you d**k head.

Loud sigh* - You are an idiot. Why am I wasting my time arguing with you over 'Nothing'

"Go ahead" (eyebrows raised) - Just try it. (This is not permission, this is a dare. Often followed by 'fine')

"Go ahead" (eyebrows normal) - Whatever. (This is not permission either. The true meaning is closer to 'I give up' or 'Do what you want because I don't care.' From here on there is a high risk of raised eyebrows.)

"Thanks a lot" - Thanks for nothing. ('thanks a lot' is not to be confused with 'thanks'. A woman will say 'thanks a lot' when she is annoyed at you. It is usually followed by the 'loud sigh'.)

"I love you, I'm just not IN love with you" - (see 'I don't want to ruin our friendship')

"I just wish you would understand" - I am perfectly aware that you have no idea what I'm talking about. Now I will watch you squirm as you desperately try to comprehend.

"I can't deal with this any more" - The chances of me being wrong in this particular situation appear to be gradually increasing. I wish to halt all further proceedings to avoid a displeasing outcome.

"I'm just so busy right now" -I currently have many priorities that unfortunately rank higher than you.

"Do I look fat in this?" - We haven't had a fight in a while, and it's also been too long for me to not SNAP IT IN 2 (sixteenths this time...notice how this is progressing)

"Whatever" - You're a f***ing dumb sh*t.

"It's alright, pizza's fine." - You're a cheap f***ing dumb sh*t.

"It's alright"- It so is not alright. Not by a goddamn mile.

"Oh my god." - Your stupidity amazes me at times. (this may result in a loud sigh)

"Oh my god, [actress/singer/attractive friend] is SO pretty." - Tell me I'm ten times as beautiful otherwise I will SNAP IT IN TWO (there are now thirty two different pieces of your *****... I feel for you, my friend)

"No." - No. (despite what you would like to believe, Mr. Drunken Frat Boy, no really does mean no*)

"You can hang out with your mates instead, I don't mind" - We both know that over the course of the next hour, my subtle mind games and ice-edged voice tones will grind your guilty conscience to mental dust. you will stay with me. we will watch this chick-flick. you will smile and enjoy it, and in the end, you will thank me. (Otherwise, there'll be 64 pieces of that ***** on the ground rather than 32)

"I've got a headache" - Unknown to you, you did something which insulted me greatly (not that I can remember what, though), and you will be getting nothing tonight (not the previously mentioned nothing...YOU NO GET A VAGINA TONIGHT)

"That's okay" - I am still deciding how and when you will pay for this mistake. enjoy the time you have left.

"Don't worry about it, i got it" - I have instructed you to do this job on SEVERAL occasions, and yet it remains undone. i will do it myself, whilst simultaneously glaring, tutting, and rolling my eyes. (from which point the normally innocent question; 'what's wrong?' is fatal. do NOT ask, no matter how much she prompts you.)

"I'm a Girl, i can do everything-meaning that they can do pretty much an infinite number of things, which is a lie-"Just because you can't multi-task."

"Lets do something fun."- I wanna watch you suffer, b*tch! Hahaha!

*Tears* "I F*****G HATE YOU!"- you did something wrong and now you must get away from me in three seconds or you are a dead man walking with 128 pieces of a previously whole *****!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH

"I think we should just be friends for now" - I'm not gonna go out with you, you're a fugly loser with no friends, money, or talent.

"i think we should do it all night long... with more girls!!!" - I am an alien from a strange planet masquerading as a human woman for research purposes.

"... Woman's intuition" - Like hell I know what I'm talking about

"I love you." - LOL! I CANT BELIEVE HE ACTUALLY BELIEVED THAT! What a boner. OR You better say it back, or we'll count your ***** pieces.

"You have got to be joking"- she is not impressed by the $45,000 car you have just bought to show off to your boys. She won't be speaking to you for the next 48 hours, i suggest you go back home for the next week and show up in a different car

"I like you a lot... BUT"- Rest in peace, [Insert name here]. Poor bastard never had a chance. Should have ran once he heard "BUT"

"OH MY GOD I HAD THE BEST TIME WITH [insert guy's name here]"- be worried, be very worried, unless the guy is gay, and you actually know that

"There's someone else..." - assume she really wants to end that sentence with the phrase "...with a larger *****. Much larger. And he can dance much better than you can, plus his salary is twice as much as your pathetic income. Now get the f*ck out you dirty piece of mother."

"My guy friends are sneaking over tonight, but I wont cheat."- this means hey, you have a small ***** and I'm not too impressed with the way you've been doing things around here. so i invited these guys to f*ck me and there ain't sh*t you can do to stop me you whipped little p*ssy

"He's sooooo cute" - He's a puss , let's tease him ; afterall this is a chance you get once in life.

"You're like a brother to me." - I'm more sexually attracted to that pile of dog sh*t over there than I am to you.

One more thing, girls are unpredictable, so they may actually mean what they say, so don't say any of these out loud, otherwise that might actually be what happens... never take anything at face value. If you respond incorrectly, you'll have about 2 seconds to protect your crotch and run!!
 
Last edited:
Back
Top