What's YOUR Best Joke?

FutureRANGER

FutureRANGER

Active member
Hey this isn't exactly military related, but what the heck who cares ;)

What's you best joke? Your absolute gem that never fails?

I got a few.

This pastor was giving a very powerful sermon. "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it in the river! And if I had all the wine in the world I'd take it and throw it in the river! And if I had all the whiskey in the world I'd take it and throw it in the river!" Then he sat down. The choir leader then stood up and said with a small grin. "Let's all turn to page 83 and sing Shall We Gather at the River.

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When I think of the other's I'll post them. I got a couple, but I don't think I'll post them here ;) :twisted:


Edit: This butcher went to introduce his wife to his friend and he said "Meet Patty".

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Hey I put this in the wrong forum, would a nice kind mod put it in the Military Jokes one?
 
Absolut 100 percent winner:

Two hunters in Mississippi were walking in the woods when one accidently tripped on a tree root, which caused an accidental discharge of his rifle into his best friends side. Quickly getting his wits about him, he pulled out his cell phone, fortunatly got a dial tone, and dialed 911.

The operator came on and said "what is the nature of your emergency?" The hunter replied "I think I just accidently killed my best friend! What do I do?"

The operator thought for a second and said" Goodness! Well go over and make sure hes really dead"

Listening on the phone, the operator was startled by the advent of two more gun shots. In a few seconds the hunter got on the phone and said "OK ..Now what do I do?"
 
I got a few always makes someone laugh (even if they are kidding)

A preist a rabbi and a nun all walk into a bar. and the bartender says what is this some kind of joke?

How do you put an elephant into a mailbox?
First take the f out of weigh.
 
Come on, you mean to tell me Mr. Conley and nulli are the only two people on this forum with jokes?? PITIFUL!! :roll:

Come on, every got jokes! Even my mother got jokes!
 
its this one

one day my friend said, "Oh f**k!"
then the teach told him, "Don't use that kind of language in here."
and he said, "Damn, i forgot."
 
ok heres one:

Pamela comes in to church for confession after whole world saw her doing it on tape..........so she comes in and says "father i sined" and father says"i know i watched"
 
joke

Not long ago and not far away Santa was getting ready for his annual trip.
But there were problems everywhere. 4 of the elves got sick and the trainee elves did not make the toys fast enough as the regular ones. Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then mrs claus told santa that her mum was coming to visit. This stressed santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer he found that 3 of them where about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heavens knows where. More stress. And then, when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards on the sleigh cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered all the toys.
So, frustrated Santa went into the houde for a cup of tea and a shot of whiskey. But he found that the elves had hit the liquor cabinet and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration he dropped the teapot and it broke into 100 peices all over the floor. He went to get the broom and found that the mice had eaten the straw from which it was made.
Just then the doorbell rang Santa swore all the way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big xmas tree. the angel said "Santa where would you like to put this xmas tree?"
And that is how the little angel came to be on top of the xmas tree.
 
I'll delete my post above so it isn't spammed with my bumps. I got another great joke, this one will kill ya.

Alright, so this Buddhist monk goes up to the hot dog vender and he says "Make me one with everything"

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Please please please people, post your best jokes here! I was hoping for this thread to be bigger. I know you guys have to have jokes, Redneck I'll bet you do. I was hoping this thread would be huge by now, ripe with great jokes we can all use. Thanks guys. And the guys above who posted their jokes, thanks a lot! Bush Musketeer, great one :lol:
 
Not my best jokes just jokes i heard.

a black guy a hispanic guy an a hick are stranded on a desert island.One day they come upon a bottle and a genie pops out. He says Ill grant each of you one wish. the black guy goes first"I wish that all of my african brothers were free and back in Africa" so poof they are all happy and free in africa. The hispanic guy comes up and says"I wish all my hispanic brothers where free and happy in mexico." so poof they are all free and happy in mexico. Finally the hick comes up"So let me get this straight, you mean to tell me all the sp*cs and n*ggers are out of america?" the genie says yes "oh, Ill have a Coke then."
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A russian a Jamacian a Mexican and an American are all on a rafting trip. At one point the russian takes out a huge bottle of vodca, takes one sip and throughs the rest away"what did u do that for?" asked the American "In russia Vodca is everywhre, we can afford to waste it" Later the Jamacian pulls out a huge joint, takes one puff and tosses the rest out " in jamica weed grows everywhere we can afford to waste it" So the American thinks a second and smiles"Dont even think about it" the mexican said.
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An american a Japanese and Frechmen where walking in the jungles of Africa. They where captured by headhunters and are going to be killed. "Before we kill you will will give you a chance to kill yourselvs before we use your bodys to make canoues" said the lead head hunter. He hands the Frenchman a knife and he yells "Viva La Francia" and slits his throat, he hands the knife to the Japanese man and he yells' Banzi" and comits hara kuri. Finally the knife is given to the American who stabbed himself dozens of times all over his body and yelled 'THERS YOUR *****N CANOE!!!"
 
Re: joke

bush musketeer said:
Not long ago and not far away Santa was getting ready for his annual trip.
But there were problems everywhere. 4 of the elves got sick and the trainee elves did not make the toys fast enough as the regular ones. Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then mrs claus told santa that her mum was coming to visit. This stressed santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer he found that 3 of them where about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heavens knows where. More stress. And then, when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards on the sleigh cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered all the toys.
So, frustrated Santa went into the houde for a cup of tea and a shot of whiskey. But he found that the elves had hit the liquor cabinet and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration he dropped the teapot and it broke into 100 peices all over the floor. He went to get the broom and found that the mice had eaten the straw from which it was made.
Just then the doorbell rang Santa swore all the way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big xmas tree. the angel said "Santa where would you like to put this xmas tree?"
And that is how the little angel came to be on top of the xmas tree.
Click to expand...

That joke is cruel yet hilarious at the same time
 
Why does the Little Mermaid wear seashells?





Because B-shells are too small and D-shells are too big.




Now go to sleep. :lol:
 
The only seat available on the train was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged French woman and the seat was being used by her dog.
The weary traveler asked, "Ma'am, please move your dog. I need that seat." The French woman looked down her nose at the American, sniffed and said, You Americans. Your are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little FiFi is using that seat?"
The American walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there?". I'm very tired."
The French woman wrinkled her nose and snorted "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant....Imagine!"
The American didn't say anything else, he leaned over, picked up the dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her honor and chastise the American.
An English man sitting across the aisle spoke up indignantly "You know,sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, Sir, you've thrown the wrong ***** out the window."
 
Some will get it and some won't:

What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don't know, and I don't care.

Many I have heard but be danged if I can recall any. Those that I can recall are too risque to post here. Most of the people I work with have a very warped sense of humor and unless it is foul or morbid they do not find it humorous. Meh, their loss.
 
A blonde and her fiance are walking through the park when her fiance spots a one-eyed dog. "Look at that dog with one eye!" he exclaims. The blonde covers one eye and proceeds to say,"WHERE?!"
 
This is probably the dumbest joke but every time I hear some one say Its driving me nuts I want to giggle:
This pirate walks into a bar with a big ship's wheel down his pants. The bartender says, "Excuse me, sir, but do you know you have a ship's wheel down the front of your pants?"
And the pirate says...
Aaargh, it's driving me nuts!!

Ok here is my Joke that always gets some laughs:
There was a little girl that went to sit on Santa's lap. Santa asked her what she wanted for christmas and she said "I want a barbie and a GI joe" Santa said "I thought Barbie came with Ken" and without skiping a beat the little girl said "No, She only fakes it with Ken"
 
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A farmer brought a new young rooster to the farm to help out the older rooster with all the hens. The young rooster walks over to the old rooster and said "I'll make you a deal, pick out one hen and she's yours but the rest are mine." The old rooster thought a minute and said, "I'll tell you what, race me around the house three times and if I win, I get all the hens and you get one, if you win, you can have all of them." The young rooster laughed and agreed. The old one said "since you're so young and will probably win anyhow, give me a head start." The younger agreed so the old rooster took of with the younger right on his heels. On the second lap, the young rooster was about to catch the older one when a shotgun blast took him out of the race for good. The farmer walked over and said "Damn, that's the fourth queer rooster I've bought this month."
 
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