Weird nurse jokes.

K

Kiwi

Forum Lubrication Engineer
The largest managed-care business in the Washington area just installed voice mail on their psychiatric hotline.
Callers are prompted as follows:
"Welcome to the psychiatric hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are depressed, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.
If you are delusional, please be aware that the thing you are holding on the side of your head is alive and about to bite your ear off.
If you are ambivalent, please hang up and call back in a few minutes.
If you are comatose, stuporous, or obtunded, press each number from 9 to 1 backwards, and then leave your name and number when you hear the beep.
If you would like to speak to a physician, pleased be advised that your plan requires a second opinion and a 30 day waiting period before you can receive this service, which has been designated nonessential."​
 
[SIZE=+2]Pregnancy FAQ[/SIZE]

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes school.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your bloody question?

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labour just pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labour?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.
 
Hilarious (psychiatric hotline) jokes Kiwi. Here are the extras.........

If you are dyslexic, press 969696.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the star (*) key until a representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, your mother's maiden name, and anything else we may have forgotten to mention on this list.

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, very slowly and carefully press 911.

If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep
or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All our operators are
too busy to talk to you.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9, ...

And finally........if you are suicidal, press 0 and please leave your name, number, time and date of yor call and your intended means of departure, and an operator will immediately return your call in the order it was received.
 
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