A Week At The Gym

A Week At The Gym
May 22nd, 2006  

Topic: A Week At The Gym

A Week At The Gym

Dear Diary:

For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
Week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am
still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25yrs
ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named
Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics instructor and
model for athletic clothing and swimwear.

My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.


Started my day at 6:00am.
Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it when I arrived at the
health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She was something of a Greek
goddess - with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. WooHoo!!!!!

She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that
my pulse was so fast, but! I attributed it to standing next to her in
her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in which
she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring,
Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, Although my gut was already
aching from holding it in the whole time she was around.

This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!


I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air, and then
she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill,
but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all
I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.


The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on the
counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a
hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to
steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda
was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered the other club

Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she
scolds, she gets this nasally whines that is VERY annoying. My chest
hurts when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair
monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered
obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
She said some other shit too.

Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her
thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being
a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took
me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in
the men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on
the rowing machine -- which I sank.


I hate that ***** Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any
other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic
little cheerleading *****. If there were a part of my body I could move
without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to
work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want
dents in the floor, don't hand me the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that
weighs more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the
choir director?


Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly
voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me
want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
hours of the Weather Channel.


I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and
thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year, my
wife (the other *****), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like a
root canal or a vasectomy!
May 22nd, 2006  
I vote for the Root Canal!
May 22nd, 2006  
lol.. this is like marriage in a week version! lol first its good then its downhill!
A Week At The Gym
May 22nd, 2006  
lol ive heard this before but it still funny
May 24th, 2006  
C/2nd Lt Robot
*shakes head* Missileer, what will we do with you? I've already posted it. . . tisk tisk tisk.
May 25th, 2006  
Navy Boy
May 25th, 2006  
Its a beaut.
May 25th, 2006  
Originally Posted by C/2nd Lt Robot
*shakes head* Missileer, what will we do with you? I've already posted it. . . tisk tisk tisk.
I think the search function is missing a lot of things that I look for before posting.
May 25th, 2006  
Rob Henderson
hahahahaha...too much of anything is bad...you can even have too much water. its called drowning.ahahahahaha
May 26th, 2006  
C/2nd Lt Robot
Originally Posted by Missileer
I think the search function is missing a lot of things that I look for before posting.
I see what you mean. *cough* I think me and reddy mcredred are going to have to have a little talk about the search function. *cracks nuckles*