Missileer
Active member
A WEEK AT THE GYM:
ONE MAN'S STORY...
Dear Diary:
For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
Week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am
still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25yrs
ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named
Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics instructor and
model for athletic clothing and swimwear.
My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00am.
Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it when I arrived at the
health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She was something of a Greek
goddess - with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. WooHoo!!!!!
She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that
my pulse was so fast, but! I attributed it to standing next to her in
her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in which
she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring,
Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, Although my gut was already
aching from holding it in the whole time she was around.
This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air, and then
she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill,
but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all
worthwhile.
I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on the
counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a
hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to
steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda
was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered the other club
members.
Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she
scolds, she gets this nasally whines that is VERY annoying. My chest
hurts when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair
monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered
obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
She said some other shit too.
THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her
thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being
a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took
me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in
the men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on
the rowing machine -- which I sank.
FRIDAY:
I hate that ***** Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any
other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic
little cheerleading *****. If there were a part of my body I could move
without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to
work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want
dents in the floor, don't hand me the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that
weighs more than a sandwich.
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the
choir director?
SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly
voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me
want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
hours of the Weather Channel.
SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and
thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year, my
wife (the other *****), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like a
root canal or a vasectomy!
ONE MAN'S STORY...
Dear Diary:
For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
Week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am
still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25yrs
ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named
Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics instructor and
model for athletic clothing and swimwear.
My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00am.
Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it when I arrived at the
health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She was something of a Greek
goddess - with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. WooHoo!!!!!
She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that
my pulse was so fast, but! I attributed it to standing next to her in
her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in which
she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring,
Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, Although my gut was already
aching from holding it in the whole time she was around.
This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air, and then
she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill,
but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all
worthwhile.
I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on the
counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a
hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to
steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda
was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered the other club
members.
Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she
scolds, she gets this nasally whines that is VERY annoying. My chest
hurts when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair
monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered
obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
She said some other shit too.
THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her
thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being
a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took
me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in
the men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on
the rowing machine -- which I sank.
FRIDAY:
I hate that ***** Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any
other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic
little cheerleading *****. If there were a part of my body I could move
without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to
work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want
dents in the floor, don't hand me the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that
weighs more than a sandwich.
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the
choir director?
SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly
voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me
want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
hours of the Weather Channel.
SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and
thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year, my
wife (the other *****), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like a
root canal or a vasectomy!
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