United States v Canada (The Almost War)

Chief Bones

Chief Bones

Forums Grumpy Old Man
President George Bush was in the Oval Office wondering which country to invade next when his telephone rang.

"Hallo, President Bush" a heavily accented voice said. "This
is Archie, up 'ere at the Harp Seal Pub in Badger's Cove,
Newfoundland, Canada, eh? I am callin to tells ya dat we are
officially declaring war on you, eh!"

"Well Archie," George replied, "That is indeed important news!
How big is your army?"

"Right now," said Archie, after a moment's calculation "there
is myself, me cousin Harold, me next-door-neighbour Mick, and
the whole dart team from the pub. That makes eight!"

George paused. "I must tell you Archie, that I have one
million men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Holy jeez," said Archie. "I'll have ta call ya back!"

Sure enough the next day Archie called again. "Mr. Bush, the
war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry
equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be Archie?", George asked.

"Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harry's farm
tractor."

President Bush sighed. "I must tell you Archie, that I have
16,000 tanks and 14,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also I've
increased my army to one and a half million since we last
spoke."

"Lard thunderin' Jaysus, bye", said Archie, "I'll be getting
back to ya."

Sure enough Archie rang again the next day. "President Bush,
the war is still on! We have managed to git ourselves
airborne! We up and modified Harrigan's ultra-light wit a
couple of shotguns in the ****pit, and four byes from the
Legion have joined us as well!"

George was silent for a minute then cleared his throat. "I
must tell you Archie that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000
fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by
laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites and since we last
spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"

"Jeysus, Mary and Joseph," said Archie, "I'll have ta call ya
back."

Sure enough Archie called again the next day. "President Bush!
I am sorry to have to tell you dat we have had to call off dis
'ere war."

"I'm sorry to hear that" said George. "Why the sudden change
of heart?"

"Well sir, " said Archie, "we've all sat ourselves down and
had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and come to realize dat
dere's no way we can feed two million prisoners."



(Stol... er Borrowed from another forum - thought you'd get a kick).
 
Don't know about the Irish or French - I sto....er.. borrowed this story from another forum and printed it as was. The only thing I did was to colorize it.
 
Apologies - didn't know was already on milforum with different parties.

Saw on another forum and thought it was topical and funny.
 
Don't lose any sleep over it Chief. It happens to all of us, including me when I first started posting. Try the Search button up in the top of the page.
 
Or how about this oldie-but-goodie? :lol:

Americans: "Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision."

Canadians: "Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision."

Americans: "This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course."

Canadians: "No, I say again, you divert YOUR course."

Americans: "THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS ABRAHAM LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. THAT'S ONE-FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP."

Canadians: "This is a lighthouse. Your call."
Click to expand...
 
There is a somehow related tale. Some people say that it had happened about 30 years ago.

At that time the relations between China and the Soviet Union were not very far from war. A Big War.

There was a lecture in the Soviet General Staff Academy on Chinese military strength. The lecturer - a three-star General was feeding the listeners with the horryfying numbers - Chinese population(1 billion), number of troops(50 million), reserves - 100 million, etc. The picture was so-o-o-o gloomy...How it was possible to fight all these people?
So the General tried to lift his listeners' spirit a little bit. He told them:"The Jews have managed to beat the Arabs inspite their great number inferiority!"
A question came from the audience: "Where can we recruit enough Jews?"
 
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