Pacific Lure
Active member
One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
So he tied her up and went golfing.
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A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"
The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"
"Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get the hell out."
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A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters:
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
"Can you read this?" the optician asked.
"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."
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Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."
"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay."
"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay."
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A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband when suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him and asked, "What in the hell is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "Oh, I know you do, but I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving and you're in the car."
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Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.
The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.
Pick the day you were born on to see what kind of fart you are:
1-AMBITIOUS - Always ready for a fart
2-LAZY - Just fizzles
3-AMIABLE - Likes to smell others farts
4-SELFISH - Only enjoys smelling own farts
5-CARELESS - Farts in church
6-SMART ALEC - Farts when ladies are present
7-CLEVER - Farts and coughs at same time
8-SCIENTIFIC - Bottles own farts
9-STINGY - Belches instead of farting to save a*s*hole
10-FOOLISH - Farts and laughs
11-SHY - Blushes even when farts silently
12-CONCEITED - Thinks they can fart loudest
13-UNLUCKY - Tries to fart, but sh*ts in pants
14- TIMID - Jumps when farting
15-BEWILDERED - Can't tell own farts from others
16-SLOVENLY - Farts and fizzles, rots pants
17-NERVOUS - Stops in middle of fart
18-MISERABLE - Can't fart
19-CONFUSED - Face looks so much like ass, farts don't know where to go
20-GROUCH - Grumbles when ladies fart
21-SNEAKY - Farts and blames it on the dog
22-DISAPPOINTED - Their farts don't stink
23-FRESH GUY - Jumps in front of you and farts
24-BIG BULLY - Farts louder than everyone else
25-DELUDED - Enjoys all farts thinking they are their own
26-CUTE - Discovers from farts what others have eaten
27-WISE - Farts and say's "Who in hell sh*t??"
28-DAMNED MEAN - Farts in bed and pulls covers over wife's head
29-MUSICAL - Tenor or bass, Clear as a bell, smells like sh*t, sounds like hell.
30-HONEST - Farts and blames it in on the hostess
31-LIVELY - Jumps in air, farts three times, kicks like hell
simultaneously
simultaneously
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