Snowball Fight Strategy

Snowball Fight Strategy
December 23rd, 2010  

Topic: Snowball Fight Strategy

Snowball Fight Strategy
The War Room: Snowball Fight Strategy

Prepare for war!

Listen up, Christmasologists! December may seem like the perfect month for peace on Earth, but in reality, it is the ultimate holiday battleground. The weeks leading up to Christmas, my friends, are prime snowball fight season, and frankly, I'm not sure you're ready. Don't get me wrong--you have the drive, you have the moxie, but do you have the skills? When the flakes fly, soldier, will you be high and dry or walking home cold? If you want to triumph in the upcoming snow-brawls, read on as we take you through Snowball Fight Boot Camp. Basically, it's "Ho ho ho," but also "hoo-rah."

Step 1: Get equipped.

Outfitting yourself for combat is a big part of snowball fight success. Remember: Snowball wars do not require official declarations. You could be walking down the street in your awesome t-shirt from The Beets' Killer Tofu tour, completely absorbed in a serene daydream of childhood, when suddenly you are the target of a frigid, wintry assault. This is not the Napeolonic Snowball Wars, my friend. This is not the age during which lines of well-dressed men gently tossed snowballs underhand across great distances, apologizing profusely when they managed to actually score a hit. This is straight-up guerilla warfare, guys. This is no-holds-barred, grudge-match, snow-flinging carnage, and it can swallow you at any moment. Therefore you will wear the following:

* As much GORE-TEX as possible. GORE-TEX gloves don't just reject moisture--they give it the full-on Simon Cowell. If you're planning to make a serious snowball, you don't want your fingers to get chilly and wimp out halfway through. You want to remain an offensive threat for the duration of the engagement. GORE-TEX will protect you. Plus, it has GORE in the name. That's pretty intimidating.
* Layers! The number one way to keep warm is by doing your sincerest imitation of a marshmallow. Long johns, thermal underwear, PJ pants, extra socks, Under name it, it's gonna keep you in the fight.
* A ski mask! Getting snow in your face is a major buzzkill. You may want to add a pair of goggles to protect your eyes from wayward blasts of snow. Unscrupulous opponents may want to blind you--goggles will keep the playing field level.
* Boots! Pretty self explanatory. Wiggle room for your toes is good, but you wanna restrict snow access through the top as much as possible. Strategic pants-tuckery is recommended.

2. Choose your weapon.

Not all snow is created equal. If you want to survive your winter warfare, you'll need to be able to identify good snowball material on the fly. The ideal scenario is packed powder, the kind skiiers get out of bed at ungodly hours to claim for their own. You want something dense yet malleable, easy to work into the perfect spherical shape. If you can't get the prime stuff, you have to know how to make the best of what you've got. All you have is the pitiful dust from a mid-November flurry? Grab a punch and flick it as a cloud of snow ownage (or, as we say in the biz, snownage) rather than trying to make a bona fide snowball. Slush from the side of the road is good for a long-range lob, but you want to be careful that you haven't accidentally scooped up any gravel with your frozen ammo. Gravel is expressly forbidden by the Geneva Convention for Snowball Fights.

3. Have a plan.

Unless you're among the truly hardcore, it's best to go into a snowball fight with some allies at your back. You'll need covering fire if you're ever going to take the kind of risks that make victory certain. (How do you win a snowball fight? I usually say that if the other guys go home freezing first, you're the winners. Yay!) But you can't just send your friends in and expect them to do all the dirty work without a plan of attack. I'm a big fan of bait-and-switch tactics, where one of you innocently makes snow angels in plain sight, waiting for your hidden allies to surprise any would-be attackers. If you fancy yourself an especially clever tactician, try out the Trojan Frosty and dress your team up as snowmen...then come to life and terrify your foes as they pass! Sheer brilliance. But, yeah, the takeaway here is coordinate. Zone defense, capturing key points...all that good stuff.

4. Fight with honor.

Even though the snow battlefield can be a dangerous place, it is important to keep your wits about you and extend to your fellow winter warriors the utmost respect. That means we need to talk for just a minute about whitewashing. Look, I know it's awesome to knock down a defeated foe and shove snow in his eyes until he cries out to Jack Frost for mercy. But in most snowball fights, it's just excessive, if not plain mean. When your opponent is defeated, do not add insult to injury...merely doff your hat and wish him or her a happy holiday. Consider it an act of backyard bushido.

5. Read some Sun Tzu.

Few know this, but the guy was a big snowball fight fan. Here are some of his key winter insights:

"If you are far from the enemy, make him believe you are right behind the garage, with a fistful of crunchy half-frozen snow and a wicked smile."
"In the practical art of war, the best thing of all is to take the enemy's yard, porch, and video game consoles whole and intact; to shatter and destroy it is not so good."
"It is essential to seek out enemy little brothers and sisters who can come to conduct espionage against you and to bribe them to serve you with candy canes and egg nog. Give them instructions and care for them. Thus doubled agents are recruited and used."
Crafty strategist, or craftiest strategist?
Good luck in your Christmas campaigns, Ologists! Take this advice to heart, but remember: If we meet on the field of battle, we do so not as fellow Ologists, but as dire enemies. You have been warned!

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