Rules for dating a Royal Military Policeman's daughter.

The Highway Man

Brit Pack 2I/C
Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose his compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the QE2. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like washing my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. On issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a car approaching a VCP in North Queens St, Belfast. When my PTSD starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to 'sharpen the knives', as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The eyes looking out through the blinds are mine!.
 
You've also got the application form. ;)


NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, history, lineage, recent Police background check, psychiatric evaluation, and updated medical report from your doctor.

NAME:_________________________________DATE OF BIRTH:_____________________
HEIGHT:___________ WEIGHT:____________ I.Q.__________
DRIVERS LICENCE#_________________________________________________________
BOY SCOUT RANK:__________________________________________________________
HOME ADDRESS:____________________________________________________________
Town_________________________________________
Post code_________________
Do you have one MALE and one FEMALE parent? _______ yes? _______ no?
Number of years parents married:______________________

Do you own a van? _________

A waterbed? _________

Do you have an earring, nose ring, or belly ring?___ Tattoo?_____

(IF YES TO ANY OF THESE QUESTIONS, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE THE PREMISES)

In 50 words or less, what does DO NOT TOUCH MY DAUGHTER MEAN TO YOU? _________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does LATE mean to you?
_________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does ABSTINENCE mean to you? _________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________

What church do you attend:_______________________________

How often do you attend?________________________

When would it the best time to interview your father, mother, relatives, neighbours, minister/rabbi/priest, and past girlfriends? (supply phone numbers)_____________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________

What do you want to be IF you grow up? __________________________________

ANSWER THESE SEMI-CONFIDENTIAL QUESTIONS
BY FILLING IN THE BLANKS.

"If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want to be wounded is _____________________________________________________

"If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my _________________________________________________________________________

"A woman’s place is in the ______________________________________________

"The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is _________ _________________________________________________________________________

"When I first meet a girl, the thing I notice about her is _________________________________________________________________________
(NOTE: If the answer to #E begins with "T" or "A", discontinue and it is advised that you leave the premises right now keeping your head low and running
in a serpentine fashion.)



I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE, UNDER THE PENALTY OF A SLOW DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, SOLDIER ANT TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS DRIPPING WATER TORTURE, ELECTROCUTION.



____________________________________________
SIGNATURE (That means your name, moron!)

Thank you for your interest in my daughter. Please allow four to six years for processing. Don’t call us, we’ll call you. You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Do not try to call or write (since you probably can’t, anyway). Any attempt to make contact might cause you injury. If your application is rejected, two gentlemen with violin cases and cement shoes will notify you – one size fits all.
 
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You could at least give my application some consideration? ;)

I took the liberty to include some intimate photos, they might sway your decision? :D
 
Rules for dating a Royal Marines Commando's daughter

Rule#1
The rule is that there are no rules.
Well Princess Peach, you got yourself into this mess now lets see YOU get out of it.
 
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