Most of you tagged have read my three previous notes about my life and the journeys I have made, the sacrifices I have had, and the drama that has occured. I tag you because I want you to hear my story. If you aren't tagged do not be afraid to read, or discuss with me the series of unfortunate events that have been through.
It has been awhile since my previous note. Around 3 months approximately. After writing the triology of my epic tale I thought I would need not to continue but because of recent events I have to. "Because I have been brought down, but I will be damned if I let that happen again." That is a quote from where I left off in my last note. It appears I have been brought down again.
On the night of the purple and gold game me and my buddy had planned to "*****" around and find some women. This idea aroused me given the previous drama I had had with girls. So as I sit in the bleachers, I am being my normal crazy self, entertaining the likes of others. And to my wondering eyes should appear, a red-headed girl whose eyes were so beautiful and wonderous. I then casually shifted myself to sit next to her. We began chatting it up doing the whole "interview" thing. We shared laughs and smiles. Things were great. I thought "Could this be?" And it was. I made the move to hold her hand, grabbed it, she never let go. At the end of the game in which we paid zero attention to we walked out together. I glanced to my left and so 2 furious girls who I had been in contact with that day and had flirted with one of them, they looked pissed. So they were on my tail threw the parking lot and me and the girl were walking. I shifted paths and lost them, we went into an alleyway. We exchanged in AIMs and phone numbers, and then we gave our goodbye hug. At that precise moment I felt so closely to her. I kissed her, and I kissed her well. It was the best first kiss I ever had. After 2 seconds of greatness the two girls yelled "What the **** are you doing you slut??" And so they really were pissed at me and this girl, so I told her to leave and id explain later. Then I told the other to girls to **** off. I dashed to my car, I thought "I hope she understands, I hope she understands" I broke every law just to get home, slam my ass into the computer seat and tell her everything. She understood she said "I didn't want to jump to conclusions cuz I really liked you" From that moment on I trusted her. And it takes a lot to gain my trust. It only took hours but I had fallen for her, and I had fallen hard. 2 days later after some more intense "Interviewing" we went on a date. After the date I asked her out and she said YES. I was so happy, I knew this would be all or nothing. From that point on for the first month it was rainbows and butterflies. And then the worst thing that could possibly happen happened. That sugary goodnesss I had been tasting for 30 days faded. And was now tasting like poisen. Agruments, drama, tears, regret, and torment filled that last month. Drama beyond uneccesary drama. Immaturity is a good word to describe it. How could it quite possibly have become like this. I made myself so sure that I would be as nice as I could be(which is a ****in lot). But now it's like iit doesnt matter. Then one Sunday she said that last week she thought I didn't love her anymore and she got depressed. Well what the ****, if I didnt love you anymore I would have broken up with you. So I said. "You are needy, clingy, and overly dramatic. You need to fix this, or were not guna work out. This will be the last time I say this." And the next day we have an arugment, I let it slide cuz it was the first day. But then one night she doesnt say I love you after I say it and hangs up. What the ****. The next day she pelts me with m and m's cuz supposedly I wasn't talking enough. Then doesn't wait for me after class. When I get to lunch it felt like complete and utter silence and I felt set aside from the world. Then she hugged me. She hugged me as if everything was okay. EVERYTHING OKAY NO ITS NOT OKAY!! I then proceeded to explain my complaints and broke up with her. I felt so bad. I am the sweetest nicest most empathetic person you will meet and it crushed me so dearly to have to do this. The next day I prayed for us to be able to be friends. Great success! We laughed and laughed. So I was looking foreward to a weekend of NO DRAMA this weekend with girls. That proved to be wrong. 3 girls all with different stories say that I called so and so a ***** and that she was ugly and I hated her. All of that is false, and everyone knows I would never say that but tears were shed amongst them. I warned them not to mess with me this weekend cuz its MY WEEKEND. Then the sweetest of the 3 is walking with me and says this....
Girl: What if I like this guy but I'm afraid he doesn't like me because I'm weird.
Me: Your not weird.
Girl: Aww that's sweet. But what if he doesn't like me.
Me: You'll never know unless you tell him.
Girl: What if he is here today.
Me: That has no effect on the outcome.
Girl: What if that guy is you?
Me: Is it me?
Girl: Yes.
So we talked and "interviewed" all weekend, but as of now I'm not really worried about where that goes because of my distaste for relationships at the moment. Of late I have discovered that the red-headed girl of my dreams I had recently broke up with just days ago had started liking this guy during our relationship and has already moved on. Was I that bad of a boyfriend that you already liked another guy?? I was nothing but nice and absolutely faithful and good to her. And now I see that that meant nothing and I went through all those tears for nothing!!! I cried twice over this girl. More than I have cried over any girl and now I see that it meant nothing!!! WHY DO GIRLS TREAT THE GOOD GUY LIKE ****!! YOU SAY YOU WANT A NICE GOOD GUY ASIDE FROM ALL THE JERKS OUT THERE BUT WHEN YOU GET ONE YOU TREAT HIM LIKE ****!!! WHERE IS THE ****IN LOGIC AND ETHICS IN THAT!!!! I HOPE TO GOD THAT THESE GIRLS DONT TREAT OTHER GUYS LIKE THAT!!!
It is at this precise moment I feel like floating in a piss load of tears and crying myself into a pensieve of nothingness. Why is all the good in me being treated like pitiless crap? Why? Relationships are now meaningless to me, and if you want one from me you might as well give up because I really don't care unless you can convince me otherwise which is at the moment highly doubtful.
I need my friends. I need kindess care and understanding.
I am a man who only wants peace, love, and relaxation. What I am getting is war, hate, and immaturity.
Give me what I want, and I will show you the world.
Signed,
Your loving and caring friend
Ryan
