Queen's Email to Her American Subjects!!!




 
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Queen's Email to Her American Subjects!!!
 
October 28th, 2011  
rocky71
 
 

Topic: Queen's Email to Her American Subjects!!!


Queen's Email to Her American Subjects!!!
THE QUEEN HAS SENT YOU AN EMAIL





To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II.

In light of your immediate failure to financially manage yourselves and also in recent years your tendency to elect incompetent Presidents of the USA and therefore not able to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated sometime next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
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2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'
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3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
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4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
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5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
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6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
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7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
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8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
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9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. New Zealand beer is also acceptable, as New Zealand is pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
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10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
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11. You will cease playing American football. There are only two kinds of proper football; one you call soccer, and rugby (dominated by the New Zealanders). Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
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12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Australians (World dominators) first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
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13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
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14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
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15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!
October 28th, 2011  
muscogeemike
 
I might consider everything except no baseball, and you might be better off keeping Kansas and not taking California and NY City.
October 29th, 2011  
rattler
 
 
#4 is my favourite: *All* my US friends that I have come to know 2f2 have their therapist, I had wondered before why that was so...

Rattler
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Queen's Email to Her American Subjects!!!
October 30th, 2011  
muscogeemike
 
This American has never seen a therapist (although there are a couple of ex wife’s and girlfriends who strongly recommend I do). I don’t think it is necessary - I have a Bass boat!

“If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there’d be a shortage of fishing poles.” Doug Larson, UNITED FEATURE SYNDICATE
October 30th, 2011  
BritinBritain
 
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by muscogeemike
“If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there’d be a shortage of fishing poles.” Doug Larson, UNITED FEATURE SYNDICATE

Good God old chap, there is no such thing as a fishing pole, Her Britannic Majesty always refers to them as "Fishing Rods." A pole is something one ties a thug to before lashing him with a cat o nine tails Unless some bleeding heart liberal has outlawed the cat o nine tails.


"Phillip stop kicking the corgi's!"

Quote:
Originally Posted by muscogeemike
I might consider everything except no baseball, and you might be better off keeping Kansas and not taking California and NY City.
I quite like the idea of California, all those gorgeous young ladies running around in skimpy swim suits. Then again, better not. I'd either get arrested for perving or suffer a heart attack
October 30th, 2011  
muscogeemike
 
I’ve seen “Fish-O-Rama” on TV and what passes for fishing in the UK wouldn’t cut it in the US. We have lakes larger then some of your counties (some of ours too).

We might be better off re-submitting to the Queen in some areas (we probably couldn’t be worse for it) but some things would have to be negotiated.

I was born in California and went back there after I retired from the Army in the “90’s, my son still lives there. Believe me the “pretty girls” aren’t worth the rest of the package.
October 30th, 2011  
BritinBritain
 
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by muscogeemike
I was born in California and went back there after I retired from the Army in the “90’s, my son still lives there. Believe me the “pretty girls” aren’t worth the rest of the package.
At my age I can't afford to be fussy.
October 30th, 2011  
muscogeemike
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by BritinAfrica
At my age I can't afford to be fussy.
I live alone and have for some time. I, personally, know I’m much better off without one of “…those gorgeous young ladies running around in skimpy swim suits.”
October 31st, 2011  
BritinBritain
 
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by muscogeemike
I live alone and have for some time. I, personally, know I’m much better off without one of “…those gorgeous young ladies running around in skimpy swim suits.”
Don't kill my fantasy. I can't think of a better way to go, with a smile on my face.
October 31st, 2011  
viper2007
 
 
Whats wrong with gorgeous young ladies running around with skimpy swimsuits-

Let us old farts have our fantasy- you young ones can have yours...- old grumpy gandmas, I mean, mature, very mature ladies, running around in skimpy swimsuits...
 


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