Polish movie posters for American movies

August 13th, 2005  

Topic: Polish movie posters for American movies

Movie posters are odd things. Normally, they're a bit shite - if there is anyone famous in it, the poster will invariably feature a close up of their floating heads.

However, nobody told Poland.

The world of Polish movie posters is a twisted place
As an example, 80s action flick Romancing The Stone was advertised with this wee gem:

Romancing The Stone

Now, I may KNOW that is meant to be Michael Douglas in that picture, but quite frankly it looks more like Siegfreid. Or is it Roy? One of the Lion Queens, anyway. And quite why he has a hand big enough to slap the face of god also eludes me

And yet that, as they said on the lower decks of the Titanic, is only the very tip of the iceberg.

Big Trouble In Little China was a tricky film to promote - it was action, it was kung fu, it was comedy, it was supernatural, it was romance. Tough stuff for any marketing team. In Poland, though - NO TROUBLE. Faced with the tale of Kurt Russell as an unlikely truck driver turned hero battling Chinese gangsters with ghostly powers, they decided this image was perfect:

Big Trouble In Little China

The perfect summation of the movie, I'm sure you'll agree.

Still, it makes more sense than this wee number:

Witches of Eastwick

I can only assume that is meant to be Jack Nicholson. I can tell by the ***** growing out the back of his head.

Others are just as surreal - for example, a certain lightweight Lord of the Rings rip off in the 90s starring, uh, Val Kilmer and the shortarse off Leprechaun about a fantasy world (mostly the South Island of NZ in reality) peopled with halflings, pixies, witches and monsters. In other words, what plays in Robert Downey Jr's apartment every weekend. And this is what the Polish ad wizards came up with:


Yeah, I'm sure THAT had the kids rushing out to see the family fun-fest in record numbers.

Then again, it could've been worse. This is how the Poles advertise an Eddie Murphy comedy:

Golden Child

Yup, they make it look like a godawful 70s prog rock/metal album cover by some band like Pink Floyd or Dream Theater or someone similar who writes "metaphysical songs about the people of the stars", which is muso talk for, "complete load of bollocks we make up as we go along with keyboards and no actual melody of any kind."

The other thing I noticed about the Polish posters is that they all come out looking like horror movies, regardless if they actually are:


King Solomon's Mines

Yeah, even King Solomon's Mines, that godawful Romancing The Stone ripoff starring Richard Chamberlain and Sharon Stone. Anyone else who can remember that steaming pile of donkey dung has my sympathies and will probably agree that maybe it WAS best promoted as a horror film.

Of course, this beggars the question - how do they portray actual horror movies, then? Well, it seems they have two approaches. Either (a) make them into kiddie porn crossed with god-knows-what...

The Omen

...or (b) just have a piss-poor infantile scrawl of a grey unshaven bloke chucking up.

The Fly

Both extemely effective approaches, I'm sure you'll agree. I think the obvious complete lack of any kind of actual effort put into that Fly poster is particularly affecting. Nothing excites me more than a crap sketch that a mildly retarded child could imitate in a sandpit using half a potato smeared in paint.

But despite all this, I have saved the best for last. The poster that truly succeeds in both capturing the tone, plot and ideals of the movie it advertises. Combining a great sense of fun and undoubtedly causing flocks of punters to storm the theatres in order to see the flick...

Weekend At Bernie's
August 13th, 2005  
Aww, Big Trouble in Little China, good movie.
August 13th, 2005  
Did anyone notice that the pistol in the "Romancing the Stone" is at least a 12 shot?