Please comment on my poem

A

armlesscadet

duke of milforum slayer
Well i wrote a poem for this girl I like so before i send it to her I want to know what everyone thinks of it. Well here it is.

I cant help but feel blue,
Everytime I happen to think of you.
For as long as hes there,
I want to be anywhere.
Anywhere but here,
as long as you are his dear.
In my dreams it is you and me,
But dreams are all they will ever be.

You dont know how much you mean to me,
No one does since I keep it hidden where none can see.
You mean more than words can say,
And get more beautiful everyday.
Everytime I see your gorgeous face,
I cant help but go to an amazing place.
A place where its just you and me,
A place that we can be free.

All I ask for is a chance,
A small shot for some romance.
I know that I will treat you like the best,
And smile when I see you amongst the rest.
It's only you there that I see,
And no one else means anything to me.
I know you dont feel the same way,
But these are some things I just had to say.
You mean the world to me,
And I will always be here for you brittany.

Tell me what you think any comments or ideas would be greatly appreciated thnx
 
Last edited:
remove the word 'cuz. its supposed to be romant. cuz isnt a romantic word.
also, some advice. it looks like she already has a bf. dont you dare try to pry them apart. just let her know that you are first in line. i dont care what anyone else says, a man who does not respect that another man was there first does not deserve to be called a man. you let her come to you. if she decides that you are better than what she has, then best of luck to you. but dont go trying to break them up.
 
This is very useful advice, dont send it it wont get the reaction it deserves. People these days take everything for granted.

Listen to uncle Dougal he wouldnt knock you
 
its a very expressive poem, and its real good. everyone has been in a situation like that, and its tough, but dont let it get you down.
 
Just make sure she is at least good friends with you, and if she doesnt really give a good response or whatever, I would refrain from sending her more.
 
Dougals right, don't send it mate.

What are you trying to do, woo her away from another guy?
That poem is not going to do the trick. It makes you sound desperate, which isn't an attractive quality to have.
Be a man of action, ask her on a date, don't send her a poem.
A place where we're together,
A place that will last forever.
Click to expand...

This sounds stalkerish! how old are you? chances are she is not looking for something that will "last forever" and will just be put off by it.
And I will always be here for you brittany.
Click to expand...

This line says "have other boyfriends and when things go wrong, feel free to come and complain about them to me, i will listen to all your problems and won't mind the fact that you see me as a friend, while i eternally lust after you - sorta like Ryan Reynolds at the start of "Just Friends"

Its a nice poem, its well meant, its from the heart but it wont give you the result you want.
 
WOW. Dude, you are 14?

Damn, such strong feelings for someone who is that young, I can even write this kind of stuff. Locke is right though it does make you look kind of stalkerish. I say you should find another girl. No point in writing her poems if she has a man already.
 
whoa i didn't realise you were 14

dont worry about a girl, not at your age (no offense) there should be too much fun to be had for you to be stressing.

develop you interests and hobbies and form a solid group of friends, the girls will come with age.
 
i take back my response. DO NOT SEND THAT TO HER. 14 is wayyyyyyy too young. how old is she? do you really understand that relationship? i look around my old highschool and rhe so-called couples are just for show. "oooooo look at us, were holding hands. look at us, were eating eachother's faces." these people dont even know how to kiss. now im not putting u in this category, but being 14, at least with my experiences, its too young. you first start getting this feeling of wanting to be with a girl. and since she is a good friend of yours, you see her as the most likely candidate. you are comfortable with her and see her as the object of your desire. ive been there too. give it some time. if within a year, your feelings dont change, and you are still friends, then go ahead and give it a go. just dont expect your first to be your only.

this has just been my experience. if you think it doesnt apply to u, then discard it.... just dont say i didnt warn you.
 
Well, I wouldn't want to put you off or something, I'm not so far from you in age and much less in the poem-writing (written some good numbers of them in the alone spent nights and you know), but I really think the guys above me were right. (well, and not only because they're older :) Giving it a time, not sending the poem, not pressing. Just.. having a good time together. Sometimes even the presence of each other does more than tons of words. Anyways, good luck with your relationship.
 
armlesscadet said:
I cant help but feel blue,
Everytime I happen to think of you.
For as long as hes there,
I want to be anywhere.
Anywhere but here,
as long as you are his dear.
In my dreams it is you and me,
But dreams are all they will ever be.

You dont know how much you mean to me,
No one does since I keep it hidden where none can see.
You mean more than words can say,
And get more beautiful everyday.
Everytime I see your gorgeous face,
I cant help but go to an amazing place.
A place where its just you and me,
A place that we can be free.

All I ask for is a chance,
A small shot for some romance.
I know that I will treat you like the best,
And smile when I see you amongst the rest.
It's only you there that I see,
And no one else means anything to me.
I know you dont feel the same way,
But these are some things I just had to say.
You mean the world to me,
And I will always be here for you brittany.
Click to expand...

I'm not going to tell you what to do or not. Yes, you may be young but I believe you are able to do whatever you feel is right. I must say that this must be the most sweetest poem I have ver read! God darn.. That is one lucky girl. If you send her the poem, yes, then it might come out wrong and can destroy the friendshipe that you two have. But I don't know, I am a bit of a hopeless romantic sometimes too and even if I know things might cost me to have a broken heart for a while.. I kinda still believe it's still worth it. But if I should give you any advice, then just wait until that day when she is single and over that guy.. Then give her the poem if you are still interested in her. It's at least worth a shot. Love is what makes this world keep going and there ain't nothing wrong with expressing a crush even if you're young.

I remember when I was 17.. I had seen this guy in a café and he surely had caught my eye so one day I went in and asked him if I could pick him up someday and make him a dinner. So.. All I think I need to say is.. Never give up. :)

If there is one who turns you down there will always be others to stand in line. Just because the heart feels like it's shattered when you have been rejected doesn't mean it won't heal.. It's just all about to get back up in the saddle and keep fightin for the things ya believe in.:-D
 
Now there you have it, cadet. A number of responses from guys and one from a girl. Notice the coding here, the guys read your words and the lady read your heart. Each gender associated your thoughts with different intentions. The lady saw past the grammar and possible problems caused by your actions of sending your friend your thoughts and picked up on the romantic feelings you are experiencing.

Never ask your buddies for advice for the lovelorn, we usually have too many bad experiences. You have what you need to know by the advice you've gotten from just three or four short sentences above. I would suggest that you start very slowly, to show interest but not obsession, maybe send the poem anonymously at first and drop enough hints as to who is sending them when you can tell how she is responding to your feelings. By the way, borrowing phrases from the writings of the romantics is not considered plagerism.
 
Take it from someone who has never had a girlfriend and has been around for sixteen years. Get some hobbies- woodworking, hunting, fishing, etc. If most of your friends are female, there's nothing wrong with that- just don't act stalkerish and give the impression of being absolutely innocent.

Now take it from a pragmatist- the poem is good from a literary standpoint, but... I don't suggest it- dropping off somehting like that anonymously is a nice way to cause an uproar you don't need. Nobody likes drama in their life, and if she's already tied down, by all means leave the situation as it is.

If you PM me I can send you a poem entitled "Showcase" that I wrote at 2 in the morning and spells out "I Love You" in the margins:)
 
I'm with deerslayer. I too am at the ripe age of 16 with no rope marks from relationships. Right now all we really need to worry about is getting an education, making friends, and developing hobbies. My hobbies and activities keep me from, most of the time, thinking I need a relationship.

I'm not saying you should forgot about this girl, do as your heart desires (within limits). If you do decide not to give up, don't send it now. Wait till they have broken up. Breaking up a relationship just so you can date that person is being an ass. And may come back and bite you there too.
 
Hey sliver you never read one of my poems,

Locke I have known for a while, a man of wisdom and being a ozzy man he'd have a way with the ladies. Sliver can be right at times but shes to nice to be argumentive,

and dont listen to Missileer he'll screw with your head. Ah no im only messing.
 
C/2nd Lt Robot said:
I'm with deerslayer. I too am at the ripe age of 16 with no rope marks from relationships. Right now all we really need to worry about is getting an education, making friends, and developing hobbies. My hobbies and activities keep me from, most of the time, thinking I need a relationship.

I'm not saying you should forgot about this girl, do as your heart desires (within limits). If you do decide not to give up, don't send it now. Wait till they have broken up. Breaking up a relationship just so you can date that person is being an ass. And may come back and bite you there too.
Click to expand...

right, right, don't burn bridges, ya never know when you'll need em.

Now, I have tried similar things with a phone and a piano, but that was for Valentine's day and Christmas gifts. Trust me on this- as long as there is WORK to be done, screw PLAY. Work is what drives life- without work, you're just a shell of a human being.


hmmm... maybe that's why I don't have a girlfriend... or a life for that matter.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top