Old but Beautiful!

Team Infidel

Forum Spin Doctor

Ladies and Gentlemen, Mr Tommy Cooper...
========================================

Two Aerials meet on a roof - fell in love - got married.
The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
"Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. "
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only cling film for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? "
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed? "
"No, because he's really heavy"
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Guy goes into the doctor's.
"Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside
"How's that?"
"Don't you start"
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or
my dad.
Or my older brother Colin.
Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
But I think it's Colin.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?"
I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Two prostitutes standing on a street corner. One says to the other, "Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"
The other replies, "No, but I've been swung around by the boobs!"
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
A man walked into the doctors, he said "I've hurt my arm in several places"
The doctor said "well don't go there any more"
--------------------------------------------------------------------
My dog was really barking at everyone the other day. Still, what can you expect from a cross-breed.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 pounds that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
He said, 'No, the steaks are too high.'
--------------------------------------------------------------------
My friend drowned in a bowl of meusli.
He was pulled under by a strong currant.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
--------------------------------------------------------------------
A man walks into a pub, and notices Vincent Van Gogh is standing at the bar.
"Do you want a pint, Vince?" he asks.
"No, thanks," replies the artist. "I've got one 'ere."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
What is orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
I went to a seafood disco last week.... and pulled a muscle.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc.
"It's... um... well... I have five penises." replies the man.
"Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?"
"Like a glove."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the magic tractor?
It went down the lane and turned into a field.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
A brain and a jump lead go into a pub and order some drinks.
The barman says "I'm not serving you two!"
"Why?" asked the brain.
The barman replies, "Because you are out of your skull and he's bound to start something."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
What do you get if you cross a pit bull terrier with a Labrador puppy?
A dog that makes you crap yourself and then runs away with the toilet paper.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Answerphone message
"....If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
What do you give a cannibal who is late for dinner?
The cold shoulder.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the dyslexic alcoholic?
He choked on his own Vimto.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this b******t before.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman arrives at a bank with a fifty pound note stuck in each ear,and asks to see the manager.
The cashier steps through to the managers office: "There's a woman to see, sir, she's £100 in arrears."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Hear about the cannibal in an Indian restaurant?
He ate his Nan.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Our local chemist was robbed last week and a quantity of viagra was stolen.
Police say that they are looking for a gang of hardened criminals.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands.
Police say that he topped himself.

 
Back
Top