Military Jokes

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Top Ten Things The Chinese Have Learned By Examining Our Spy Plane

10. American codes can be broken by anyone with a basic understanding of Pig Latin

9. On-board computers were mainly used for Internet casino video poker

8. According to plaque, "When Bush gives order, nod politely, wait to hear what Cheney says"

7. Cockpit full of Colt 45 bottles

6. Mission was to determine if Chinese people can fly like in "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon"

5. "Cloaking device" button only there because pilot's a "Star Trek" fan

4. Maybe not the best idea to write "Spy plane" on wings

3. The plane's sole security feature: an angry kitty

2. Plane is so high-tech lavatories feature futuristic blue water!

1. Americans smell like Doritos and Aqua Velva
 
Recruiting any and all pilots

The chief of staff of the US Air Force decided that he would personally intervene in the recruiting crisis affecting all of our armed services. He directed a nearby Air Force base that will be opened and that all eligible young men and women be invited.

As he and his staff were standing near a brand new F-15 Fighter, a pair of twin brothers who looked like they had just stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster walked up to them. The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out his hand and introduced himself.

He looked at the first young man and asked, "Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?"

The young man looks at him and says, "I'm a pilot!"

The general gets all excited, turns to his aide and says, "Get him in today, all the paper work done, everything, do it!"

The aide hustles the young man off. The general looks at the second young man and asked, "What skills to you bring to the Air Force?"

The young man says, "I chop wood!"

"Son," the general replies, "we don't need wood choppers in the Air Force, what do you know how to do?"

"I chop wood!"

"Young man," huffs the general, "you are not listening to me, we don't need wood choppers, this is the 20th century!"

"Well," the young man says, "you hired my brother!"

"Of course we did," says the general, "he's a pilot!"

The young man rolls his eyes and says, "So what! I have to chop it before he can pile it!"
 
Marines and the police

The following is supposedly a true story relating a situation that actually occurred in Los Angeles.

The Marines were backing-up LAPD on a call that someone had broken into a store.

At the scene, the cop told the Marines to "cover" him as he approched the store (to police, "cover" means to point your weapons in the direction of the threat, to Marines it means lay down a base of fire!).

The Marines promptly laid down a base of fire. The Marines fired 178 rounds before they stopped shooting.

The thief, probably a little scared at this point, called 911 and reported, "They're shooting at me!".
 
The Note


Three college buddies were commissioned in three branches of the service--Army, Navy, and Air Force--where they made their careers.

Although they maintained their friendship through the years, they argued long, bitterly, and inconclusively as to which service was the best.

They years wore on, and the three were called to their Heavenly rest, where they continued the dispute.

One day, they encountered Saint Peter, who asked what all the fuss was about. The three officers explained their argument and appealed to St. Peter to tell them once and for all which of their branches was the best.

Saint Peter reflected and admitted the question had never come up before. He agreed, however, to ask God and to get the definitive word.

Some time later, the officers again ran into Saint Peter and eagerly asked if he had received a reply from the Lord. Just then, a snow-white dove, carrying a note in its beak, landed on Peter's shoulder. Saint Peter took the note, unfolded it, and read it to the three officers:

Gentlemen:

Your squabbling and arguing are unseemly and futile. All three of your branches were equally brave, noble, and honorable. You all served your nation with devotion and courage. Take pride in that service, and forget your petty rivalries.

Sincerely,

God (USMC, Ret.)
 
Orangutan

A destroyer pulled into Borneo for liberty, leaving a skeleton watch aboard. Nearby, a merchant ship was loading some cargo. In one of the crates was an orangutan, who managed to break out of his cage. The orangutan meandered along the shore, then went aboard the destroyer. After climbing aboard, he crawled inside the smokestack, climbed down, and eventually wound up in the engine room. In the engine room he walked around, and came to the electrical panel. The panel had been left open for maintenance, and the orangutan began fooling around with the wires. Somehow he managed to strike a high-voltage line and POW! There was a shower of sparks and noise, and then the ship went dark.

Two sailors went around with flashlights looking to see what had occurred, and happened upon a dark burnt hairy body. The sailors looked at the body: very long arms. They looked again: short legs. They looked at the face for a long time. Finally, one said to the other, "Okay, his legs are too short to be a machinist mate, his arms are too long to be a boiler tech, and he's too hairy to be an electrician. Call the wardroom to see if any of the junior officers are missing."
 
First Aid for Terrorists


A group of U.S. marines arriving in Afganistan found themselves taking a surprise refresher course on first aid. Following an involved lesson on making splints, dressing wounds and applying tourniquets to stop bleeding, the instructor decided to determine how well the marine class had grasped the information given.

"Goldberg ," he said, pointing to one of the marines, "say you captured Bin Laden and find he has sustained a minor head wound, what do you do about it?"

"That's easy, Sir," said Goldberg. "I wrap a tourniquet around his neck and tighten it until the bleeding stops."
 
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