Introducing "GONZO!"

March 14th, 2004  

Topic: Introducing "GONZO!"

We'll just call this gu GONZO, not his real name. He may still be in the army. Anyway, Gonzo was a wrecker operator/mechanic. In theory. For his first trick, the amazing gonzo will destroy a truck! Okay, that's pretty much EVERY trick, he destroys a truck. This time was special, though.

Gonzo is sent out to recover a 5 ton stuck in the mud, in his 5 ton wrecker. He gets there, pulls the truck out, and radios back. So far so good. However, on his way back to the motorpool, he sees a hemmet from another unit also stuck. Do the math: 5ton vs hemmet. Anyway, he actually succeeds in getting the hemmet unstuck (probably destroying the winch in the process). Well, there is a bunch of slack in the line, so Gonzo waves at the hemmet driver to go down the road a little to take it out. The driver takes this wave to mean Good to go. And Floors it. With the line from the turret mounted boom still attached. He YANKS the turret COMPLETELY off, and drags it about 30 feet. He of course destroyed the radio antenae.
The first I hear of this is when the CO is screaming at me in formation cause I can't find a whole truck and soldier. Here comes Gonzo rattling into the motorpool with his turret ratchet strapped upside down to his truck. The CO's eyes got about this wide. More from Gonzo later!
March 14th, 2004  
More Gonzo fun!
We're in NTC, convoying in the wee small hours. It's DARK. So I'm following gonzo, who is towing a disabled 5 ton in his wrecker. Now, theres two ways to do this: highway mode, which is just hook up a towbar and your gas lines, and off road mode, where you suspend the truck from your raised boom, and use towbars to stand the truck off. So it's dark it's dusty, I'm wearing NVGs, and I'm following Gonzo. He slows down, starts to veer a little, then swerves to the left and gains speed. OOOOKAAAAY... I follow cautiously, noting that the "road" isn't quite as smooth as before. After about five minutes of this, the blackout lights on the truck he's towing shoot up about 15 feet into the air and disappear. Needless to say I slam on the brakes and get out to see what happened.
How to explain? Gonzo has driven down into a huge ditch, because we are nowhere NEAR the road, because he forgot batteries for his NVGs, so he followed the LANDING LIGHTS OF A HELICOPTER about 2 miles away, thinking they were the blackout lights of the truck in front of him. Bad enough, BUT HE WAS TOWING IN HIGHWAY MODE, BOOM DOWN. When he hit the bootom of the ditch, the boom was shoved halfway through the eninge block of the truck he was towing, which pushed him down the ditch and up the other side, resulting in a bridge made of 5tons, in which NO WHEELS were touching the ground. It took a little while to dig that out.
March 14th, 2004  

Topic: LOL

March 14th, 2004  
BUT my FAVORITE has to be the time he made innapropriate comments about my wife!
He's arguing with a female private, I come around the corner and tell them to "At ease!"
Shoe does so, he turns to me, pokes me in the chest with his finger, and says:"You at ease, soldier!"
So I shove him up against the wrecker and kick his legs out from under him, and calmly explain to him the rules of the game. Then I let him down and walk away.
Well, later that day, he tells one of my buddies :"That Jamoni has a bad temper. HE PROBABLY BEATS HIS WIFE!"
So I hear this (we're in the field), and I lose it. I find him, I grab him by his kevlar, skull drag him over to the captain, and have him repeat it to the capt.
Captain says "Did you say that? (spit)"
"Shit, (spit) Gonzo, you're lucky he didn't kill you!(spit) Now keep your f@$$ing mouth shut and get out of my face! Jamoni, Don't bother me with this 5#!+ anymore. (spit)"
Gotta love the captain.
March 14th, 2004  
March 15th, 2004  
See, I used to stick up for the guy, until....
One of my buddies is complaining that Gonzo is the stupidest person alive. I'm all "No, man, hes okay, you just gotta give him a chance."
Well, we are waiting for gonzo to ground guide a 5 ton over to us for repair. Here comes the 5 ton, but no gonzo. My buddy goes off again:"See, he can't even guide a truck. He got lost or something!"
I start to make an excuse for the guy, when we see him, sitting on top of the 5 tons cab, kicking his feet like a toddler, and going "LALALA!"
I wish I was making it up.
March 16th, 2004  
I was gonna tell the story of Gonzo and Motley Crue. That'll have to wait. Instead I will tell you of Gonzos transfer, possibly the shortest special duty in history. We had (for obvious reasons) been madly trying to transfer Gonzo. He eventually got picked up on special duty... as.... you'll never believe it.... THE REGIMENTAL COMMANDER'S DRIVER! BWAAAAAHAAAAHAAAAHAAAAA!!!!!!!
Two days later he's back and we are replacing the hood and left front quarter panel of the Colonel's Humvee.
March 16th, 2004  
March 21st, 2004  
Since Gonzo was a mechanic, we managed to get him transferred to the Heavy Equipment Repair Section for "Crosstraining"(we wanted rid of him for a bit). So they have one of those big Company sized generators, in because the oil sending unit and about a yard of oil lines had been torn off during convoy. ON THE CONTROL PANEL is a large sign that says "DO NOT START THIS GENERATOR!" Gonzo starts the generator.
"Generators connected to the, oil pump!
Oil pumps connected to the, oil lines!
Oil lines connected to, NOTHING."
Out shoots about 4 gallons of oil, all over gonzo, all over the bay, all over the slick concrete floor. Gonzo tries to get to the control panel, slips and falls. Generator continues dumping oil. Gonzo tries to stand, slips again. Generator runs out of oil, and proceeds to tear its own guts up.
Every bit of dry sweep in the troop got used up. And Gonzo now has odds of 1 to 1 of contracting skin cancer.
March 25th, 2004  
All I can say is

Great ones!