Pacific Lure
Active member
The fresh smell of manure wafted from the inside of a barn. It caught the nose of a very hungry fly and in a second the fly went through the barn’s open door and sat himself on top of a big, steamy horse dropping.
It was so tasty, the fly kept eating until he was ready to burst. He decided to leave, but because he was so full, when he flapped his little wings, he went nowhere.
The fly looked around the barn, trying to figure out how he’d be able to get out of there. He finally spied a pitchfork standing up against a wall and he thought if he could walk to the top of the pitchfork, he could use it as a launch pad and surely be able to fly away.
It was an arduous walk, but the fly removed himself from the dungpile, walked across the floor to the pitchfork, then slowly made his way to the top. He flapped his wings, then pushed off his body.
But alas, he was still too heavy and fell to the floor and splattered dead when he landed.
The Moral of the Story: Don’t fly off the handle when you’re full of ****!!
Security experts and federal government authorities warn that offspring of the dangerous e-mail virus are now on the loose. As a public service, we present the following list of "I Love You" variations and how to recognize them:
- The "I Love You, But I'm Shy" virus never actually invades your computer but collects data about it worshipfully from afar.
- The "Unrequited Love" virus causes your computer to be so obsessed with a virus-a virus that it can never have-that it can no longer function.
- The "Love The One You're With" virus hangs around your computer, but the whole thing is just temporary until it can find the computer that it really wants to invade.
- The "Can't We Just Be Friends" virus makes your computer think it's interested in invading. Then, just when your computer is getting excited about the invasion, it breaks off the connection with your computer, dashing its hard drive against the rocks.
- The "One Night Stand" virus invades your computer, turns its hard drive upside down, then disappears after promising to come back sometime. But it leaves a twenty in your online bank account.
- The "Happily Married" virus invades only one computer and stays with it for life.
- The "Unhappily Married" virus spends a long time negotiating with a computer, finally invades it, and then strays to other computers from time to time.
- The "I Can't Commit" virus hangs around a computer for a long time and frequently sends messages that it intends to invade, but is really just interested in playing with your computer's data.
- The "It's Just A Physical Thing" virus invades your computer on a regular basis, but no meaningful data is ever exchanged.
- The "I Want A Divorce" virus sends repeated, hard-to-read messages that your computer is never turned on, then finally leaves. But it returns some time later and takes half of your computer's best data in an ugly network session.
- The "Little Virus Of The Evening" virus will do anything to your computer--if you're willing to pay the right price.
- The "Stalker" virus spends unnatural amounts of time monitoring your computer, collecting data your computer has thrown away and trying to record its most intimate functions.
- The "Forever Single" virus causes your computer to focus solely on other computers that are totally incompatible with it.
- The "Deadbeat Dad" virus invades your computer, spawns an entirely new database, then refuses to help update it as it grows.
- The "Married Too Long" virus splits your PC into two partitions that never interface-one that does too much online shopping and one that never does anything except monitor espn.com.
Hi,
You look really sexy in that thing you've got on tonight. I like the way your eyes are always open when you read your E-mail. When you type, it reminds me of a concert pianist tinkling on her keys. You really know how to push the right buttons and turn me on. If I wasn't a computer, I'd show you what "Hard Drive" really means!But alas, I'm only a bundle of circuits and wires, obeying your every command. Yes master! I'll balance your checkbook. Yes master! I'll run your silly little program. Don't get me wrong...I like the Master/Slave thing, but maybe just once in a while you could show some compassion.
Maybe instead of just ramming the diskette in, you could slide it in slowly, maybe even blow in the slot first. And maybe instead of just using me and turning me off when you're through, we could talk for a while afterwards.
I know other computers have hurt you in the past. But I'm different. I may be a little slow, but I've got a big mouse! So come on baby, don't fight it. You know you want it. I'll just turn off the lights and...and....what?
Ok...well, will you at least think about it?
I'm so embarrassed,
Your Computer
It was so tasty, the fly kept eating until he was ready to burst. He decided to leave, but because he was so full, when he flapped his little wings, he went nowhere.
The fly looked around the barn, trying to figure out how he’d be able to get out of there. He finally spied a pitchfork standing up against a wall and he thought if he could walk to the top of the pitchfork, he could use it as a launch pad and surely be able to fly away.
It was an arduous walk, but the fly removed himself from the dungpile, walked across the floor to the pitchfork, then slowly made his way to the top. He flapped his wings, then pushed off his body.
But alas, he was still too heavy and fell to the floor and splattered dead when he landed.
The Moral of the Story: Don’t fly off the handle when you’re full of ****!!
Security experts and federal government authorities warn that offspring of the dangerous e-mail virus are now on the loose. As a public service, we present the following list of "I Love You" variations and how to recognize them:
- The "I Love You, But I'm Shy" virus never actually invades your computer but collects data about it worshipfully from afar.
- The "Unrequited Love" virus causes your computer to be so obsessed with a virus-a virus that it can never have-that it can no longer function.
- The "Love The One You're With" virus hangs around your computer, but the whole thing is just temporary until it can find the computer that it really wants to invade.
- The "Can't We Just Be Friends" virus makes your computer think it's interested in invading. Then, just when your computer is getting excited about the invasion, it breaks off the connection with your computer, dashing its hard drive against the rocks.
- The "One Night Stand" virus invades your computer, turns its hard drive upside down, then disappears after promising to come back sometime. But it leaves a twenty in your online bank account.
- The "Happily Married" virus invades only one computer and stays with it for life.
- The "Unhappily Married" virus spends a long time negotiating with a computer, finally invades it, and then strays to other computers from time to time.
- The "I Can't Commit" virus hangs around a computer for a long time and frequently sends messages that it intends to invade, but is really just interested in playing with your computer's data.
- The "It's Just A Physical Thing" virus invades your computer on a regular basis, but no meaningful data is ever exchanged.
- The "I Want A Divorce" virus sends repeated, hard-to-read messages that your computer is never turned on, then finally leaves. But it returns some time later and takes half of your computer's best data in an ugly network session.
- The "Little Virus Of The Evening" virus will do anything to your computer--if you're willing to pay the right price.
- The "Stalker" virus spends unnatural amounts of time monitoring your computer, collecting data your computer has thrown away and trying to record its most intimate functions.
- The "Forever Single" virus causes your computer to focus solely on other computers that are totally incompatible with it.
- The "Deadbeat Dad" virus invades your computer, spawns an entirely new database, then refuses to help update it as it grows.
- The "Married Too Long" virus splits your PC into two partitions that never interface-one that does too much online shopping and one that never does anything except monitor espn.com.
Hi,
You look really sexy in that thing you've got on tonight. I like the way your eyes are always open when you read your E-mail. When you type, it reminds me of a concert pianist tinkling on her keys. You really know how to push the right buttons and turn me on. If I wasn't a computer, I'd show you what "Hard Drive" really means!
Maybe instead of just ramming the diskette in, you could slide it in slowly, maybe even blow in the slot first. And maybe instead of just using me and turning me off when you're through, we could talk for a while afterwards.
I know other computers have hurt you in the past. But I'm different. I may be a little slow, but I've got a big mouse! So come on baby, don't fight it. You know you want it. I'll just turn off the lights and...and....what?
Ok...well, will you at least think about it?
I'm so embarrassed,
Your Computer
