Dougals joke post. MODs please let back to back posts - Page 9




 
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Boots
 
January 8th, 2005  
dougal
 
 
20. Alex Mijtus, 36 years old, was killed by his wife, armed with a 20-inch long vibrator. Mrs. Mijtus had had enough of her husband's strange sexual practices and one night during a prolonged session she snapped, pushing the vibrator into Alex's **** until it ruptured several internal organs and caused severe bleeding and, eventually, death.

19. Debby Mills-Newbroughton, 99 years old, was killed as she crossed the road. She was to turn 100 the next day, but crossing the road with her daughter to go to her own birthday party her wheelchair was hit by a drunk truck delivering her birthday cake.

18. Peter Stone, 42 years old, was murdered by his 8 year-old daughter, who he had just sent to her room with no dinner. Young Samantha Stone felt that if she couldn't have dinner no one could, and she promptly inserted 72 rat poison tablets into her father's coffee as he prepared said dinner. The victim took one sip and promptly collapsed. Samantha Stone was given a suspended sentence because the judge felt she was too young to realize what she was doing, until she tried to poison her mother using the same method one month later.

17. David Danil, 17 years old, was killed by his girl friend after he attempted to "have his wicked way with her." His unwelcome advance was met with a prompt kick in the chest and then four shots from a doubled barreled shotgun. Charla's (the girlfriend's) father had given it to her only hours before the date started.

16. Javier Halos, 27 years old, was killed by his landlord for failing to pay any rent for a total of 8 years. The Landlord, Kirk Weston, clubbed the victim to death with a toilet seat after he realized how long it had been since Mr. Halos paid him any rent.

15. Mary-Lee Cooper, 11 years old, was killed by her 1 year-old sister who climbed on top of her while she was sleeping, suffocating her.

14. Megan Fry, 44 years old, was killed by 14 state troopers after she inadvertently wandered into a live firing range/fake town set. The troops, thinking she was a pop-up target, fired 67 shots between themselves - over 40 of them hitting their target. "She just looked like a very real-looking target," one of the troopers stated in his report.

13. Fiona Given, 17 years old, was killed by a "Hit Man" hired by her ex-boyfriend after she broke off their relationship. The "Hit Man" was promised $500,000 for the task. In the end the "Hit Man" killed the boyfriend after he discovered that the 16 year-old high school student, whose father was in jail for rape, and mother worked as an ironing lady, did not have access to $500,000

12. Louis Zaragoza, 68 years old, was killed as he prepared to drive to work. Lee Zaragoza, had been plotting to kill him for over a year, and had cut the brakes on his car four times previously. On this attempt Lee was just about to cut the brakes again when Louis snuck up behind her, he grabbed her and spun her around, as he did she lost her footing and stumbled into him, stabbing him in the lower ventricle of the heart, killing him instantly.

11. Mummod Foli, 22 years old, was killed by an unknown member of the Russian Mafia, after he accidentally took away the gangster's unfinished drink at the nightclub he worked in. The gangster was so upset he forced the waiter to drink over 27 liters of Coca Cola (the drink he had taken away) until Mummod drowned.

10. Julia Smeeth, 20 years old, was killed by her brother Michael because she talked on the phone too long. Michael clubbed his sister to death with a cordless phone, then stabbed her several times with the broken Arial.

9. Helena Simms, wife to the famous American Nuclear Scientist Harold Simms, was killed by her husband after she had an affair with a neighbor. Over a period of three months Harold substituted Helena's eye shadow with a uranium composite that was highly radioactive, until she died of radiation poisoning. Although she suffered many radiation sickness symptoms, including total hair loss, skin welts, blindness, extreme nausea and even an ear lobe that dropped off, the victim never went to a doctor or hospital for a check up.

8. Military Sergeant John Joe Winter killed his "two timing wife" by loading her car with Trintynitrate explosive (a substance similar to C4). The Ford Taurus she was driving was filled with 750 Kilograms of explosive, creating a blast force almost double the infamous Oklahoma bombing. The explosion was witnessed by several people, some of whom were up to 14 kilometers away. No trace of the car or the victim were ever found. Only a 55 meter-deep crater, and 500 meters of missing road...

7. Patty Winter, 35 years old, was killed by her neighbor in the early hours of a Sunday morning. Her neighbor, Falt Hame, for years had a mounted F6 phantom jet engine in his rear yard. He would fire the jet engine to amuse himself, aimed at a empty heat block at the back of his property. Patty Winter would constantly complain to the local sheriff's office about the noise and the potential risk of fire. Mr. Hame was served with a notice to remove the engine immediately. Unhappy with this he invited Miss Winter over "for a cup of coffee and a chat", to discuss the situation. What Winter didn't know was that Hame had changed the position of the engine, and as she walked into the yard he activated it, hitting her with a blast of 5000 degree heat. She was killed instantly.

6. Michael Lewis, angry at his gay boyfriend, and taking the movie, "Die Hard With A Vengeance" as inspiration, drugged Tony Berry into an almost catatonic state, then dressed him in a double-sided whiteboard that read "God loves the KKK." Lewis then drove the Berry down to Harlem and dropped him off. Two minutes later Berry was deceased.

5. Jay Newton was killed after a co-worker at Sea World Florida dropped a 20 tonne killer whale on him. The whale had been hoisted out of his tank by a huge crane, and when the victim swam underneath to inspect the harness, his colleague, Brian Hartley released the creature, crushing the Newton instantly.

4. Carl Densinter, 34 years old, was killed by a fellow worker trying to prove a point. The worker, San Amote Pet, disconnected the internal landing gear settings on a Boeing 747 test plane. The plane's gear automatically retracted after take off, but come landing time they would not reengage, and the helpless Densinter could do little as the plane gradually ran out of fuel. In an attempt at an emergency landing the 747 exploded. Densinter was killed instantly.

3. Mary Dridely, Joseph Coles and Haven Gillies were killed as they walked past a New York apartment building. David Smee, 7 years old, and his 6 year-old sister were left alone in their 27th floor hotel room by their parents who had gone off gambling in a nearby casino. Bored, the kids thought it would be fun to try to "squish the ants on the pavement below." At first they started throwing fruit, then quickly graduated to chairs, televisions, and even the drawers from the bedroom dressing table.

2. Conrad Middleton, 26 years old, was killed by his twin brother Brian after a disagreement over who should have the family home after their parents' had passed away. Conrad had a nasal problem, and had no sense of smell. After an argument Brian stormed out of the house, then snuck back later, and turned on the three gas taps in the house - filling it with gas. He then left out a box of cigars, a lighter and a note saying, "Sorry for the spree - have a puff on me, Brian." Unable to smell the gas, Conrad promptly lit a cigar, destroying the house, and himself, in the process.

1. Gail Queens, 23 years old, was killed by her zoo keeper boyfriend Matthew Kellaway after she refused him sex. One day he invited her to the zoo to see the lions, and at feeding time led her into a room that had a large slide panel, He explained to her that it was a large glass viewing window to watch the lions devour their prey. He then "ducked out for a quick smoke" and locked her in the room. Suddenly a slide away panel opened revealing a bunch of astonished onlookers staring and pointing at her through the glass. Thinking that they were on the wrong side of the glass, Gail waved them a warning. Before she realized that it was her who was on the wrong side, another panel opened beside her, from which three huge lions emerged. Gail survived for two days in hospital before dying of massive internal injuries.
January 14th, 2005  
dougal
 
 
A fugitive is on the run in L.A. and after several close calls he finds himself hiding in the backyard of a middle-aged wealthy widow. One day she sees him and threatened to call the police. He hastily explained his situation and she agreed to let him stay. After several weeks he starts to notice how attractive the woman is and eventually comes onto her. Being a very lonely widow she submits to his advances.

Before they have sex he warns her that he has a mild case of elephantitis in his testicles. She tells him not to worry about it. As soon as they get undressed, the police show up at the door. Buck Naked he is forced to climb into the rafters of the house to avoid capture. The police burst through the door and demand to know where the fugitive is hiding.

The widow denies everything so the cops take a look around. Just then, one of the fugitives enormous testicles flops over the edge of the rafters. The cop asks the widow to explain this very odd item. She tells him that it is a chinese bell and it helps the feng shuei of the room. He walks over to it and taps it with his night stick. The fugitive cringes in pain but does not make a sound. Confused, the policeman hits it a bit harder. The fugitive is on the edge of tears but manages to keep his mouth shut. Still confused, the policeman swings his nightstick as hard as he can and slams into the fugitives testicle.

Suddenly from the rafters comes a blood curdling scream:

TING-A-LING YOU SON OF A *****!!!
January 14th, 2005  
dougal
 
 
One day at dinner, a young boy turned to his father and said, "Tell me Daddy, what is the difference between "potentially" and "reality?"

His father responded, "I will show you."

The Dad then turned to his wife and asked her, "Would you sleep with Robert Redford for 1 million dollars"?

His wife replied, "Yes, of course! I would never waste such an opportunity!"

Then the Dad asked his daughter if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for 1 million dollars.

She responded, "Wow! Yes! That's been my fantasy for years!"

Finally, the Dad turned to his elder son and asks him, "Would you sleep with Tom Cruise for 1 million dollars"?

The son hesitated a moment, and then said, "Yeah! Why not? Imagine what I could do with 1 million dollars! I'd do it!"

So the father turned back to his younger son saying:

"You see son, "potentially" we are sitting on 3 million dollars, but in "reality" we are living with two sluts
and a faggot!"
--
Boots
January 14th, 2005  
dougal
 
 
A man goes to his doctor complaining about feeling ill. The doctor examined him and ran some tests in the other room. He came back in explaining that he had a good news/ bad news scenario. The man asked for the good news first and the doctor replied, Well, sir, we have seen your condition previously, and there is a treatment that has cured every single case so far. The bad news: its a suppository.

Naturally the man is upset a little over having to shove a pill up his ass. The doctor reads the somewhat puzzled look on the mans face and asked him if hed ever taken a suppository before. The man replied, No so the doc told him to drop his pants and put both hands on the exam table and hed show him how to take the insert. The man obliged and stood there cringing in fear. The doc grabbed his shoulder and thrust the suppository in. He sent the man home with his medication.

That night the man had to take another dose and was having problems. He asked his wife to help him and she asked what the doctor did. The man told her that the doc grabbed his shoulder and thrust it in. His wife did the same and the man started to cringe and gag. The wife asked what was wrong and the man replied, I just realized that when the doctor put the pill in he had both hands on my shoulders!
January 15th, 2005  
dougal
 
 
What does a Kebab and a vigina have in common?

You only eat them when your drunk!!
January 15th, 2005  
rotc boy
 
 
funny , but itll probably get deleted
February 21st, 2005  
dougal
 
 
does anyone read these?
February 21st, 2005  
A Can of Man
 
 
I just discovered this. HILLARIOUS joke about the pill
February 21st, 2005  
A Can of Man
 
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by dougal
What does a Kebab and a vigina have in common?

You only eat them when your drunk!!
I had both while very sober 8)
February 21st, 2005  
Locke
 
 
lol the bash.org ones were brilliant, and the testicle one
keep em coming, they are brilliant