Dougals joke post. MODs please let back to back posts - Page 7

Dougals joke post. MODs please let back to back posts
December 13th, 2004  
rotc boy
Dougals joke post. MODs please let back to back posts
yea yea, sure sure!
im just jokin wth you man
funny stuff!
December 14th, 2004  
How's the Craic?

How's things? Correctly spelled craic.

The Craic was 90

Things are fine. Can also imply a wild party.

Give Me a Home and Away

I'd like a Murphy and a Guinness

Are You For Flakes?

Would you like cereal?
Jesus, I'm shagged

Wow, I'm tired
Blow In

Foreigner, usually American who settles in Western Ireland
Is it yourself, Sean?

Good morning, Sean

Potato Chips


Pencil Eraser

Pub Booth
The Black Stuff

Guiness Stout

Person afraid to try new things
Cheesed Off

Someone who is angry

A country person
Get Pissed

Get Drunk

Cop On!

Have some sense!


Foolish person
December 14th, 2004  
HA HA rubber means pencil.... not where i come from!! it means condom. FYI dougal. lol
Dougals joke post. MODs please let back to back posts
December 15th, 2004  
rotc boy
Originally Posted by implicature
HA HA rubber means pencil.... not where i come from!! it means condom. FYI dougal. lol

lol, well, apparently not in Ireland
December 15th, 2004  

Irish People and the Weather
It is often said that the Irish are a Mediterranean people who only come into their own when the sun shines on consecutive days (which it last did around the time of St Patrick). For this reason, Irish people dress for conditions in Palermo rather than Dublin; and it is not unusual in March to see young people sipping cool beer outside city pubs and cafes, enjoying the air and the soft caress of hailstones on their skin. The Irish attitude to weather is the ultimate triumph of optimism over experience: Every time it rains, we look up at the sky and are shocked and betrayed. Then we go out and buy a new umbrella.
December 16th, 2004  
Jokes for when work gets too much....
ever increasing and categorised (roughly)

What If People Bought Cars Like They Buy PCs?

Car companies don't have helplines for people who don't know how to drive, because people don't buy cars like they buy computers. But just imagine if they did....

HelpLine: "Volkswagen HelpLine, how can I help you?"
Customer: "Oh howrya. I got in me car this morning and closed the door and nothing happened!"
HelpLine: "Did you put the key in the ignition and turn it?"
Customer: "Er, what's an ignition?"
HelpLine: "It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the engine."
Customer: "Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all them bleddy stupid technical terms just to use my car?"

HelpLine: "Volkswagen HelpLine, how can I help you?"
Customer: "My car ran fine for a week and now it won't go anywhere!"
HelpLine: "Is the petrol tank empty?"
Customer: "Huh? How would I know?"
HelpLine: "There's a little gauge on the front panel with a needle and markings from 'E' to 'F'. Where is the needle pointing?"
Customer: "Yer wha'? Oh, it's pointing to 'E'. What does that mean?"
HelpLine: "It means you have to visit a petrol station, in order to purchase some more petrol. You can install it yourself or in some stations you pay a young lad a few extra bob to install it for you."
Customer: "What? I paid 12,000 for this bleddy car! That's about 20,000 euros. And now ye tell me that I have to keep buying more component stuff? I want a car that comes with everything built in!"

HelpLine: "Volkswagen HelpLine, how can I help you?"
Customer: "Your cars are crap! Well, mine is anyway.."
HelpLine: "What's wrong?"
Customer: "It crashed, that's what's wrong!"
HelpLine: "What were you doing?"
Customer: "I wanted to run faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal thingummy all the way to the floor. It worked for a while and then it crashed and it won't start now!
HelpLine: "It's your responsibility if you misuse the product. What do you expect us to do about it?"
Customer: "I want you to send me one of the latest versions that don't crash any more..."

HelpLine: "Hi, Volkswagen HelpLine, how can I help you?"
Customer: "Howrya, I just bought my first car, and I chose your car because it has airbags and cruise control and power steering, power brakes, and power door locks and all that stuff."
HelpLine: "Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?"
Customer: "How do I work it?"
HelpLine: "Do you know how to drive?"
Customer: "Do I know how to what?"
HelpLine: "Do you know how to drive?"
Customer: "Lookit mister don't get smart with me. I'm not a technical person. I just want to go places in my car!"
December 16th, 2004  
"Well, the Germans laughed..."
This is not the funniest joke in the world - no, this is just a tribute (with apologies to and Tenacious D).

Question: What is Brown and Sticky?
Answer: A Stick.

It is official everyone, that is the least funny joke in the world. At least, according to the team at Apparently in the course of their one year experiment that joke was submitted 300 times and was never found funny. Not even by the Germans, who in a concerted effort to undo generations of sterotyping decided to find absolutely everything hilarious and hence are now hailed as the most humour-sensitive country in the world.

Then again, given the significant decline in German economic fortunes, this may just be the hollow rictus laugh of the damned.

Since the mid-morning following the dawn of Time (just before the DIY slot and just after the horoscopes on primordial Breakfast TV), man has pondered two questions:

1 - How can I stop bad things happening to me?
2 - Why do I laugh myself into a coma when they happen to Ogg in the next cave?

Research conducted a the LaughLab suggests that people who are good at solving questions involving evaluation of estimates (essentially complex abstractions based on experiential reference apparently) tend to have very well refined sense of humour. They tend to appreciate jokes like this:

"A scientist and a philosopher where being chased by a lion. The scientist did some calculations and said that as they'd never out run it, they might as well give up. "Balls to that", said the philosopher, "I'm not trying to outrun the LION, I'm trying to outrun YOU".

On the flip-side are those people who have trouble with the abstraction tests. They tend to find fulfilling careers ghost-writing for Christmas card manufacturers.

This is in keeping with the two fundamental questions above. In order to stop bad things happening to us we developed abstraction and estimation. Being able to determine if you could out run the mountain lion or just Ogg from the next cave was a powerful survival skill, as long as you remembered not to laugh yourself into a coma when Ogg got eaten. Laughing at Ogg probably comes from a deep-rooted pride reflex whereby we have to pat ourselves on the back for avoiding the situation in question. That and a perverse sense of amusement about bad things happening to the other guy.

However, whichever way you slice the custard-pie, none of that explains the findings of the Laughlab research with regard to Germany. Either the Germans are extremely refined evaluators of abstract questions or they are not. They can't be both. Therefore why did they laugh at almost everything? Why? Is it some bizarre surrogate for the World Cup? Do they want to feel like they can beat the world in SOMETHING?

The French came second. Probably because the Germans told them what was funny and what was not and only a token Resistance prevented a tie at the top. The top joke in France was probably: "Knock knock. Who's there? The German 3rd Army. Oh, come in, we've kept your room just the way you left it".

The Republic of Ireland came sixth in the Top 10 countries. We were beaten by Germany, France, Denmark, the UK and Australia. This is the strongest argument for the promotion of comedy in the national broadcaster I have encountered in a while. Please note that re-runs of "Upwardly Mobile" don't count as comedy. Each repeat pushes them further to the right of Tragedy.

Our poor performance in this league table indicates that the comedy industry in Ireland needs a boost. Indeed, I think we should seek a chuckles quota from the EU with chuckle grants being provided to writers, performers and broadcasters to help promote the chuckle industry. The only risk with that is we may end up being on the receiving end of BBC kids' TV 'favourites' the Chuckle Brothers (see reference to Christmas Cards above). We need a Roy Keane of Comedy to help whip our laughing tackle into shape.

Comedy and humour finds its roots in reality. The core questions that we address when we guffaw ourselves into a coma are those we have been asking since that primordial mid-morning. Fundamentally, we find things funny because we can identify a core truth in the joke. It doesn't matter why a lion was chasing the philospher and the scientist. What matters is that the joke teaches us a fundamental life lesson, namely that often the problem we need to address isn't the problem that appears to be most important. In that life lesson we see a truth and in that truth we see ourselves. Ususally we're the philosopher. If you are not, seek help now (or move to Germany).

I'd like to leave you with a joke that is absolutely true, is my favourite and is the favourite of the people of Canada. It bears out the fact that we like to laugh at the stupidity of others because we like to think we'd avoid that stupidity.

"When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that normal ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 degrees. The Russians gave everyone a pencil."


Daragh O'Brien
10th November 2002
December 16th, 2004  
rotc boy
December 18th, 2004  
"Aim towards the enemy." - Instruction printed on Army rocket launcher

"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend." - U.S.Army training notice

"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. From 30,000 feet, every single bomb always hits the ground." - U.S. Air Force ammunition memo.

"If the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal

"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit." - Army preventive maintenance publication

"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo." - Infantry Journal

"Tracers work both ways." - U.S. Army Ordnance Corps memo.

"Five-second fuses only last three seconds." - Infantry Journal

"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." - Col. David H. Hackworth

"If your attack is going too well, you're probably walking into an ambush." - Infantry Journal

"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection." - Joe Gay

"Any ship can be a minesweeper - once." - Anonymous

"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." - Unknown Army recruit

"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you." - Your buddies

"If you see a bomb disposal technician running, try to keep up with him." - U.S. Army ordnance manual

"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed" - U.S. Air Force flight training manual
December 18th, 2004  
With saddam captured, the US state department has decided Iraq will be divided up into three zones: diesel, unleaded and super unleaded.

A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a beaver sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went,'bang, bang' and the beaver fell dead. What do you think of that?"

The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else shot that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."