Dougals joke post. MODs please let back to back posts

Three Irishmen and three Englishmen are travelling by train to a football match in London. At the station, the three English each buy a ticket and watch as the three Irish buy just one ticket between them. "How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?", asks one of the English. "Watch and learn," answers one of the Irish. They all board the train. The English take their respective seats but all three Irish cram into a toilet and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed the conductor arrives to collect the tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The English are mightily impressed by this, so after the game, they decide to copy the Irish (like always) on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip... To their astonishment, the Irish don't buy a ticket at all !! "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one perplexed Englishman. "Watch and learn..." says one Paddy. When they board the train the three Irish cram into a toilet and soon after the three English pile into another nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterwards, one of the Irish leaves the toilet and sneaks across to the toilet where the English are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket please!" :patriot:
 
Jimmy received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown, with a very bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every word was F this and F that and those that weren't F were, to say the least, rude. Jimmy tried to change the bird's attitude by constantly saying polite words, playing soft music... anything he could think of. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird, and the bird got worse. He shook the bird, and the bird got madder and more rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, Jimmy put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird swearing, squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, there was absolute quiet. Jimmy was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird, and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto Jimmy's extended arm and said, "I'm sorry that I offended you with my language and my actions, and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior". Jimmy was astounded at the changes in the bird's attitude and was about to ask what had changed him, when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the Chicken did?"
 
LEARN CHINESE IN 5 MINUTES........(Read them out loud)

1. That's not right.................Sum Ting Wong.

2. Are you harboring a fugitive?..............Hu Yu Hai Ding.

3. See me ASAP...............Kum Hia Nao.

4. Stupid Man....................Dum Gai.

5. Small Horse...................Tai Ni Po Ni.

6. Did you go to the beach?................Wai Yu So Tan.

7. I bumped into a coffee table...............Ai Bang Mai Ni.

8. I think you need a face lift................Chin Tu Fat.

9. It's very dark in here........................Wao So Dim.

10. I thought you were on a diet..............Wai Yu Mun Ching?

11. This is a tow away zone...................No Pah King.

12. Our meeting is scheduled for next week............Wai Yu Kum Nao?

13. Staying out of sight............Lei Ying Lo.

14. He's cleaning his automobile............Wa Shing Ka.

15. Your body odor is offensive...........Yu Stin Ki Pu.

16. Great...........Fa Kin Su Pah.





THE BRONZE RAT


Paddy Irishman wanders into a back alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat.

The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs. "Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it." "You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the rat."

The transaction complete, Paddy leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come but and follow him.

By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt. No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously, now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the water's edge, a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him.

Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown.

Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antiqueshop. "Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story," says the owner. "No says Paddy Irishman, "I was just wondering if you had a bronze Englishman?"
 
To the tune of Country House by Blur ...

He lives in a house, a very big house, he's a culchie
Puts cabbage on his bread, has a big mutton head, he's a culchie.
He doesn't pay tax, he wears dirty kaks, he's a culchie.
He only shouts,when he's got Foot n Mouth, he's a culchie.


Its Majors he smokes, he can't tell jokes, He's a culchie
He doesn't have a shed, he has a barn instead, He's a culchie
He doesn't notice the smell that we think is hell, He's a culchie
He drinks Beamish stout, and knocks his neighbours out, HE'S A CULCHIE
Na na na na


The retaliation is ...
She lives in a flat, a health board flat she's from Dublin.
wears skanky tracksuits, robs stuff from Boots she's from Dublin.

got 3 girls one boy ,with daddy in the 'joy she's from Dublin.
makes ends meet, by begging in the street she's from Dublin.

He lives in a flat, a very small flat, he's a jackeen
Takes all manner of pills, nicks cash from tills, he's a jackeen.

He doesn't do a thing, he wears a sovereign ring, he's a jackeen.
His sisters is worse, she keeps spare knickers in her purse, she's a jackeen."

... And yet another verse ...

She's married to her brother and her sister is her mother, she's a culchie.

Wears wellies into town and her fingernails are brown, she's a culchie.

She's four foot five and she's very very wide, she's a culchie.
Has only one t!t and she smells of sh!t, she's a culchie.

... One more ...

She comes from Killiney, drinks bottles of Heine, she's a southsider.

She drives dad's beamer, her mom's got a cleaner, she's a southsider.

You won't get a ride, she's got too much pride, she's a
southsider.
Manicured toes and a cocaine nose, she's a southsider.


..... One more for the Roscommon folk !


He lives in a kip, a very big kip, he's a Rossie.
Likes animal charm, on his big smelly farm, he's a Rossie.
He likes shagging sheep, he's a fat ugly creep, he's a Rossie.

Blow up dolls and gangrene balls, he's a Rossie.
 
A recruit pln in Clonmel one time back in the 70s bought a parrot as a platoon mascot. The parrot resided quite happily for 6 months or so on the landing of the North Block where he had the full benefit of the Orderly Sgt's banter every day.

Eventually the platoon passed out and went their separate waysand unable to find an owner for the bird, they sold it back to the pet shop. A week or so later a little old lady bought the parrot, delighted it had already learned to talk. Imagine he horror when the parrot started screeching at daybreak next morning,

"Get the **** out of bed now. Hands of cocks, get on yer socks. You shower of wankers broke your mothers' heart but you won't break mine. Fall in downstairs in five minutes were going for a ****in run ladies." And so on through the day the parrot ran through the entire manual of foot drill and arms drill with some colourful additions.

And then in the afternoon the Parish Priest called round, to be greeted with "**** me it's the devil chaser. Mind your ****in language there O'Toole you heathen bastard."

The old lady broke down in tears of embarrassment. There's only one cure for him says the priest, a short, sharp shock. When he starts in the morning pour a bucket of cold water over the cage and that will cure his bad language advised the padre.

Next morning at dawn the parrot started to screech-"Fall the **** in downstairs on the ****in double"-interrupted by a deluge of ice cold water...........................
"and bring your ****in ponchos it's pissing rain outside."
 
No offence meant on this one

Sung to the tune of 'If you're happy and you know it'

Ode to War

If you cannot find Osama, bomb Iraq.
If the markets are a drama, bomb Iraq.
If the terrorists are frisky,
Pakistan is looking shifty,
North Korea is too risky,
Bomb Iraq.

If we have no allies with us, bomb Iraq.
If we think that someone's dissed us, bomb Iraq.
So to hell with the inspections,
Let's look tough for the elections,
Close your mind and take directions,
Bomb Iraq.

It's pre-emptive non-aggression, bomb Iraq.
To prevent this mass destruction, bomb Iraq.
They've got weapons we can't see,
And that's all the proof we need,
If they're not there, they must be,
Bomb Iraq.

If you never were elected, bomb Iraq.
If your mood is quite dejected, bomb Iraq.
If you think Saddam's gone mad,
With the weapons that he had,
And he tried to kill your dad,
Bomb Iraq.

If corporate fraud is growin', bomb Iraq.
If your ties to it are showin', bomb Iraq.
If your politics are sleazy,
And hiding that ain't easy,
And your manhood's getting queasy,
Bomb Iraq.

Fall in line and follow orders, bomb Iraq.
For our might knows not our borders, bomb Iraq.
Disagree? We'll call it treason,
Let's make war not love this season,
Even if we have no reason,
Bomb Iraq.
 
The Royal Munster Fusiliers were dug in on the western front during the Great War. Things were pretty static and too quiet for one Munster so, knowing that lots of Germans were called Hans, he crawled across No Mans Land to the German wire one night and called out "Hans, Hans". Sure enough Hans stuck up his head "Ja" and Paddy shot him.

Next night, same thing and the night after and the night after for a week.

Pretty soon all the huns named Hans were getting nervous. So one night, a hun named Hans crawled across to the Irish wire, and called out "Paddy, Paddy"

Immediately came the reply "Is that you Hans?"

"Ja"

And Paddy shot him
 
There once was a bloke called Jack the Lad and he was a bit of a boy. One night he was getting home and he was late. He was legging it through a built up area he passes the 30mph sign at 60 , he's giving it some, 70.......80.......90......he's doing 90 in a 30 zone! He looks in his rearview mirror and sees flashing blue lights. He thinks **** and pulls over. He's waiting in his car, looking at his watch "Come on you ****, stop wasting my time" He's thinking. The copper comes to his window and says "Sir you do realise you were doing 90 in a 30mph zone?" "Yeah,Yeah, whats the fine I'm late." The copper replies "First a few particulars." Jacks pissed off "Yeah,Yeah what ever." "Name?" "Jack the Lad" "What do you do for a living Mr Lad?" "I'm an arsehole stretcher" "An arsehole stretcher? What's that?" "Well, what you do is....you get this tight arsehole. Take two fingers and you jab them in. Once they are in, you wiggle them around so that you can get four fingers in, then thrust a bit further so you get your hand in. Now that the hand is in you give a real big push and get your elbow round. Now that the elbows in you get your shoulder in and duck under so your head can squezze in. With this leverage you get the other shoulder in, now you have to try and bring your knees up so you get in there until you stand up to be a six-foot arsehole." "So what do you do with a six-foot arsehole then?" Jack replies "Give it a blue uniform and stick it in a panda car"
 
Q: What makes a pair of shoes? A: two shoes



Q: What has no wings, no motor, but flies all over? A: A used piece of fly paper



Q: What is the best way to keep fish from smelling? A: Cut their noses off



Q: What color is the grass covered with snow? A: snowy green



a single guy walks into the supermarket. He buys one stick of gum, one toothbrush, one bottle of shampoo, one bannana, one bar of soap, one small bottle of milk, and one sandwich. He sees that there is a damn fine woman who is working at the checkout counter, so he approaches that very counter to check out at. After she eyes him and his items, she says "single, eh?" The man replies with, "why do you say that, because I bought one of everything?" She says, "No, cause youre ****ing ugly!"
 
One day the pope and the queen were on the balcony of the palace waving to thousands of people on the streets below. the queen was getting a bit bord, so she turned to the pope and said "I say, I bet you 100 pounds that with one wave of my hand I can make every englishman cheer" the pope turned and said "well I am not a betting man, but go on anyway!" so the queen looked out to the public and waved as high as she could. Sure enough, almost the whole crowd cheered and shouted. She turned to the pope and smiled. "Now," the pope began "I bet you 200 pounds that with one bow of my head everyone from northan Ireland cheer louder than the english" The queen turned and said "you're on, sir!" So the pope nutted the queen!!
 
Nice

oh...and that one with the quicksand...that was the army showing they could do it better than the marines lol


the best one was the one from ''the fast show''

''You go sir''
''**** off''
:lol: :lol: :lol:
 
One day (pre gulf war 2) saddam hussaien is sitting at home when his phone rings. He picks it up and a voice with a heavy accent says, is that saddam, he says yes. The man said, my name is paddy, im from cavan in ireland and im calling you up to declare war. Saddam says well thats very serious, how big an army do you have. Well theres me, my cousin sean and the dominos team from the pub so thats eight all together. OK said saddam, do you know i have an army of over 1 million at my command.

I'll call ya back says paddy.

The next day paddys calls up and says, yep the war is still on we got some equipment. What equipment did you get asked saddam, paddy said, we got two combine harvesters and three tractors, saddam says, dont you know i have 14,000 tanks and 20,000 personelle carriers. By the way my army as increased to one and a half million since we last spoke. Hold on says Paddy i'll ring you back.

The next day he calls back again and says, yeah just lettin ya know the war is still on. My cousin Seamas has a glider plane we managed to put a few guns in it and the war is on. Sadam says dont you know i have 3,000 state of the art fighter planes and each of my cities is guarded by laser guided surface to air missiles. My army has increased to 2 million since we last spoke. Hold on says Paddy i'll call you back.

The next day paddy calls back and says, yep bad news the war is off. Really says saddam thats too bad, how come? Paddy says.....well i had a word with the lads and there is no way we can feed 2 million prisoners. :flagwave: :flagwave: :flagwave:
 
An Irishman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer were sitting together in a carriage in a train. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train, there were no lights in the carraiges and it went completely dark. Then there was a kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap.

When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Irishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped there.

The Englishman was thinking, "The Irish fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead." Claudia Schiffer was thinking, "The English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Irishman and got slapped for it." And the Irishman was thinking, "This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and slap that English b**tard again."!!!
 
time.................

Talk about taking your time to write all that out dougal.....................did ya draw any breath?
 
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