March 12th, 2005  


BAYONET. A military knife that can be fixed to the barrel of your rifle; of dubious utility, especially since the demise of trench warfare and the advent of carpet bombing. It has the primary tactical purpose of giving you one more thing to clean in the field, and the ceremonial one of slicing your hand open when you fix it on parade.

FLY DOPE. Mosquito or insect repellent. It is interesting to note that military-strength insect repellent is a substance that, in addition to not repelling bugs very well, dissolves vinyls and plastics, and registers on chemical detector paper as a nerve agent.

C5. A dull, hard-to-sharpen, difficult-to-open, generally useless pocketknife, issued primarily by the Army so that you would have something to stick in that special little pocket on the back of your webbing. Eventually replaced with a multi-tool, which is just as useless, but in more ways.

C7. Canadian-issue assault rifle, based on the American M-16. Notable for being initially issued with “disposable” magazines that: (a) you had to reuse, and (b) that you couldn’t fully load or the rounds would jam the weapon. Primarily composed of plastic, some unknown metal, oil, and soot; known to fly apart on parade squares during over-enthusiastic “present arms”. Probably developed by the small arms division of Mattel. An alternate choice was the Daisy “Red Rider” Repeater (With Real Smoke!™), but it was considered too expensive.

CAMOUFLAGE. The Canadian Forces has developed a new camouflage pattern for combat uniforms, to replace the plain olive-green formerly in use. It has a bitmapped pattern which has been extensively computer-tested; it is said to provide 20% better concealment than the old pattern if the enemy is searching for you with a web browser.

CANTEEN CUP. A kidney-shaped aluminum cup (shaped to fit over a canteen) that comes with an attachment that uses fuel tablets (that you can't use because the fumes are poisonous) to allow you to cook food in the cup (which you aren’t allowed to do because the aluminum will give you Alzheimer's). A triumph of military technology.

E-MAIL. A new, efficient, state-of-the-art method of transmitting data and correspondence, replacing the regular mail, teletype, and fax. What you do is: 1. draft a message on your word processor; 2. e-mail it to the recipient; 3. print it off and fax it because the recipient’s server is down; 4. send it over the teletype because you’re not sure the fax was received; and 5. stuff it in an envelope and drop it in the mail because the recipient needs the signed original.

FIELD CAP. A soft cap with a lowerable brim and earflaps. Worn with the combat uniform, a soldier can strike fear in the enemy by appearing alternately as Peter Pan or Gilligan.

IMPs. Individual Meal Packs, the rations consumed by Canadian soldiers in the field. Has an official shelf-life of three years; half-life unknown. Usually consists of a boil-in-the-bag dinner, a pouch of canned-type fruit, coloured sugar masquerading as a fruit drink, some strange bread substitute, and a Chiclet. Has, over time, contained such delicacies as “Apple Drink, Type 2 Class B Category 5”; “Dairy Spread” in an ointment-type tube; cherries in syrup with pits intact; “Macaroni with Cheese and Peas”; and the legendary “Ham Omelet”(known to its victims by its visual appearance as “Lung In A Bag”.)

LSVW. Light Support Vehicle, Wheeled; the Canadian-made vehicle chosen over the American Hummer and the British Land Rover as a utility vehicle. It is more unstable off-road than the old Chevy cargo truck it replaced; has metal brake pads which, when applied, screech at a volume and frequency to broadcast your whereabouts to any enemy within five miles; and recently seems to have developed a tendency to spontaneously combust. But it does have a neat map light.

STONE FRIGATE. Colloquial term for a Navy building bearing the appellation HMCS (Her Majesty's Canadian Ship), and which is treated by its inhabitants like a ship, for all intents and purposes (other than buoyancy). Primarily used by Naval Reserve units. The purpose is twofold: 1) it allows the Navy to preserve the rich Maritime history of such places as Saskatoon; and 2) it allows Naval Reserve sailors to experience and uphold Naval traditions – swabbing the lobby, calling the bathroom a “head”, and belaying all sorts of things – where they have no access to a real warship (how the regular Navy accomplishes this is beyond the scope of this work). In this case, “HMCS” has been said to stand for “Her Majesty's Concrete Structure”.
March 19th, 2005  

So true...
January 19th, 2007  

January 19th, 2007  
Nice. LOL
January 21st, 2007  
Team Infidel
Those are good.. i could have used them when I was working with the Canadians