Barbarians Tale

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Barbarians Tale
May 3rd, 2005  

Topic: Barbarians Tale

Barbarians Tale
The Barbarians Tale

In The Days long before the world became old and worn, there lurked in a great mountain, a vicious horde of cold-hearted barbarians, led by a brutal man whom his men called Dirk, who liked nothing better than to pillage the unaware. Now in the valley below there lay a peaceful, yet well-guarded walled city, and the barbarian leader purposed to attack it and leave it in ruins. “Let us go down into the valley and leave that castle in flames and rubble,” he said with barbaric amusement. So it happened that one moonless night, as the church bells in the city tolled twelve times, a great host could be seen stealthily sweeping into the valley like a winter storm in summer, brutal and unexpected.
However, the vigilant townspeople saw the danger just in time to hurry their best warriors and archers to the ramparts. As the villainous band hurtled toward the city with the ferocity of a tidal wave, the archers rained down arrows of death upon them. Wild with passion, the vagrants were not halted in their quest. Retreating did not seem to be one of the thoughts within their evil minds. Nevertheless, as daylight approached, the barbarians began to lose their lust and viciousness. As the men began to languish in spirit, Dirk realized the need for a more tactful scheme. In his mind, he determined that the most reasonable method of entering the city would be to feint the desire to negotiate peace.
As the dawn arose, sullen and dark as if mourning the fresh blood upon the dew-stained earth, Dirk and his aide emerged from the mist and advanced toward the dark walls of the city. Hanging solemnly in the breeze, the valiant defenders could see a white flag tied to a broken spear in the hand of the aide. Could it be that Dirk wished to discuss a truce? Wary to a slight of hand, the townsmen began to speak cautiously to the wicked men below.
The sun was nearing its meridian before Dirk had finally convinced the still suspicious townsmen to allow a single warrior to enter into the city and discuss terms of peace. However, after the councilmen were called, it was decided that one man may enter, on the condition that he cast aside his armor and weapons, and don a garb given him by the townsmen.
A set of clothes was cast down and the chosen man put them on. As he walked toward the city, a dagger cunningly found its place in the folds of his cloak. Slowly, the gates opened and gave him entrance as he walked determinedly through. But as they closed behind him, the cold steel flashed from hiding and quickly added more blood to the drenched earth. In a final gesture of loyalty, the gates swung stubbornly open. Once more, the barbarians rushed like a howling wind. The birds fled and the valleys echoed as screams and cries of agony mounted wretchedly into the morning air.

Persuasion is better than force

Written By T. Hilton (Patriotreturns)
May 5th, 2005  
a great host could be seen stealthily sweeping into the valley
I believe you mean "Hord" not "host".
May 5th, 2005  
trust me I meant host
Barbarians Tale
May 5th, 2005  
Not too bad.
May 5th, 2005  
Charge 7
Host also means a group besides just someone who sponsors a get-together.
May 6th, 2005  
Not too bad, but it didn't seem to captivate well enough.

What most people can get into is good characters, and or back history of the forces involved in the conflict (flesh them out). That way the reader can have attachment to them, route for them to win, or be devasted when the lose. In this case they were just simply there. The overall writing is decent, but like I said nothing to really draw the reader in. But the moral of the story is pretty good.
May 6th, 2005  
I had to write it within a certain amount of words for school, otherwise I would have given more info