Australia, the land of humour

xander

xander

Active member
Things that are good to know next time you go down under.

The questions below about Australia are from potential visitors.

They were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the
actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of
humour.


Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain
on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around
watching them die.


Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)

A: Depends how much you've been drinking.


Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad
tracks? (Sweden)

A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.


Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)

A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.


Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me
a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)

A: What did your last slave die of?


Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in
Australia? (USA)

A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does
not... oh forget. Sure, the hippo racing is every tuesday night in
Kings Cross. Come naked.


Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)

A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get
here and we'll send the rest of the directions.


Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)

A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.


Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y,
which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every
Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come
naked.


Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? ( UK)

A: You are a British politician, right?


Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all
year round? (Germany)

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk
is illegal.


Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense
rattlesnake serum. (USA)

A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from.
All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled
and make good pets.


Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I
forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)

A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out
of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You
can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine
before you go out walking.


Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)

A: No, WE don't stink.


Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can
you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.


Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female
population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)

A: Yes, gay nightclubs.


Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)

A: Only at Christmas.


Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl
I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)

A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.


Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)

A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first
 
Yeah I know this is thread necromancy but I'd like to add a few things to this because Australia really is out of the world's view most of the time (as you can see from the following questions I had from people from the northern hemisphere).

I once got complimented on how well I spoke/wrote English - funny that, considering it's Australia's official language and all...

I was in a forum one time and was chatting in PM with a woman from North America. I told here I worked in the mining industry and she then asked "Do you have mines in Australia?"
My response was "No, we keep them all overseas so we don't destroy the outback".

Another time I was in voice chat with a friend and she noted that the media was reporting fires in my part of the country. They were about 5km from my house (so yeah I was a little concerned!) and I mentioned this to her. She responded with "Do you get natural disasters in Australia?"
My reply was "No, we only get unnatural disasters".
 
Some more thread necromancy but I really liked this one (particularly as it's about my home state and a town I've been to) and had to share it!
Please note, it does include some swearing that gets progressively worse.

For ease of translation & clarity:
Bloody - a swear word we stole from the Brits then made into a universal adjective.
31 degrees C = 87.8 degrees F
35 degrees C = 95 degrees F
40 degrees C = 104 degrees F
45 degrees C = 113 degrees F


Diary of a Brit in Oz.
My Diary

August 31
Just got transferred with work from Leeds UK to our new home in Karratha, Western Australia.
Now this is a town that knows how to live! Beautiful, sunny days and warm, balmy evenings.
I watched the sunset from a deckchair by our pool yesterday. It was beautiful.
I've finally found my new home. I love it here.

September 13
Really heating up now. It got to 31 degrees C today. No problem though.
Living in air-conditioned home, driving air-conditioned car.
What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this.
I'm turning into a sun-worshipper - no blasted rain like back in Leeds!

September 30
Had the back yard landscaped with tropical plants today. Lots of palms and rocks.
No more mowing lawns for me!
Another scorcher today, but I love it here. It's Paradise!

October 10
The temperature hasn't been below 35 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat?
At least today it's windy though, which keeps the flies off a bit.
Acclimatizing is taking longer than we expected.

October 15
Fell asleep by the pool yesterday. Got third degree burns over 60% of my body.
Missed three days off work. What a dumb thing to do.
Got to respect the old sun in a climate like this!

October 20
Didn't notice Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car before I left for work this morning.
By the time I got back to the car after work, Kitty had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stuck to the upholstery.
The car now smells like Whiskettes and cat sh*t. I've learned my lesson though: no more pets in this heat.

October 25
This wind is a bastard. It feels like a giant blow dryer.
And it's hot as hell!
The home air conditioner is on the blink and the repairman charged $200 just to drive over and tell me he needs to order parts from soddin' Perth.
The wife & the kids are grizzling like mad.

October 30
The temperature's up around 40 and the parts still haven't arrived for the damned air conditioner.
House is an oven so we've all been sleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights now.
Bloody $600,000 house and we can't even go inside. Why the bloody hell did I ever come here?

November 4
Finally got the damned air-conditioner fixed. It cost $1,500 and gets the temperature down to around 25 degrees, but the humidity makes it feel about 35.
Bloody repairman thief.

November 8
If one more smart-arse says 'Hot enough for you today?' I'm going to bloody throttle him.
Bloody heat!
By the time I get to work, the car radiator is boiling over, my damned clothes are soaking wet and I smell like baked cat.
This bloody place is the bloody end of the bloody Earth.

November 9
Tried to run some errands after work, wore shorts, and sat on the black leather upholstery in my car.
I thought my arse was on fire. I lost 2 layers of flesh, all the hair on the backs of my legs and off me bum.
Now the car smells like burnt hair, fried arse and baked cat.
SH*T! SH*T! SH*T! Can life get any worse?

November 10
The weather report might as well be a f**king recording.
Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny, Hot and f**king sunny!
It never f**king changes!
It's been too hot to do anything for 2 f**king months and the weatherman
says it might really warm up next week.
F**k!

November 15
Doesn't it ever rain in this damned f**king place?
Water restrictions will be next, so my $5,000 worth of palms might just dry up and blow into the f**king pool.
The only things that thrive in this god-forsaken hell-hole are the f**king flies.
You don't dare open your mouth for fear of swallowing half a dozen of the little bastards!

November 20
Welcome to HELL!
It got to 45 f**kin' degrees today.
Now the air conditioner is gone in my car.
The repairman came to fix it and said, 'Hot enough for you today?'
I wanted to shove the f**king car up his f**king arse!
Anyway, had to spend the $2,500 mortgage payment to bail me out of gaol for assaulting the stupid prick.
F**king Karratha! What kind of sick, twisted, demented f**king idiot would build a town here!

December 1
What? WHAT?! The FIRST day of summer?! THE FIRST DAY?!
Are you f**king kidding me!
 
Is it odd that I am thoroughly accustomed to the heat and actually enjoy it? it is strangely comforting the hot dry baking sensation. so long as you wear light long sleeved clothing so you don't feel the burn it can be quite pleasant. As long as you pace you self when doing anything physical...

Doesn't it ever rain in this damned f**king place?
Water restrictions will be next, so my $5,000 worth of palms might just dry up and blow into the f**king pool.
The only things that thrive in this god-forsaken hell-hole are the f**king flies.
You don't dare open your mouth for fear of swallowing half a dozen of the little bastards!
Click to expand...

In the last decade before the drought broke there were times where I only saw rain about 5 times a year. Even then It was brief.
 
I remember reading somewhere that a Brit living in Aussie complained that he was being called a pommie bastard.

My own view as a Brit is, it doesn't offend me at all. In actual fact I find it highly amusing to be called a pommie bastard.

I love the way Aussies use an insult as a term of endearment or friendship.:p
 
Last edited:
BritinAfrica said:
I remember reading somewhere that a Brit living in Aussie complained that he was being called a pommie bastard.

My own view as a Brit is, it doesn't offend me at all, in actual fact I find it highly amusing to be called a pommie bastard.

I love the way Aussies use an insult as a term of endearment or friendship.
Click to expand...

It all depends on intonation and volume whether its meant to be friendly or insulting....:drink:
 
I think part of it is that our humour has been developed from adversity - many people were transported and worked as indentured labour, the land itself was difficult to work and sometimes hostile and the locals weren't too keen on us taking up all the land they used to roam around.

So our humour has kind of gone to the next level were we throw an insult at someone to test them, to see if they can cope with the hardship so to speak. In fact, we're expecting that the person who has been insulted not only realizes it is without malice, but is also capable of throwing a better insult back at us.

Australia, simple living but with complicated rules of humour!
 
KevinTheCynic said:
I think part of it is that our humour has been developed from adversity - many people were transported and worked as indentured labour, the land itself was difficult to work and sometimes hostile and the locals weren't too keen on us taking up all the land they used to roam around.

So our humour has kind of gone to the next level were we throw an insult at someone to test them, to see if they can cope with the hardship so to speak. In fact, we're expecting that the person who has been insulted not only realizes it is without malice, but is also capable of throwing a better insult back at us.

Australia, simple living but with complicated rules of humour!
Click to expand...

I find British military humour and Aussie humour to be very similar.
 
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