If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famous
erudite scientist who once said: "I woke up one morning, and all of my
stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates." His mind sees
things differently than most of us do, to our amazement and amusement.

Some of these have probably been posted before but there are some I haven't seen before.

Here are some of his gems:

1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

3 - Half the people you know are below average.

4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.

9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.

10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.

12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
something.

15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18 - Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

19 - I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your
horn louder."

24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the
bread.

29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is
research.

30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

34 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights
work?

Great stuff Missileer! I heard some of these before and used a few myself, but I never knew who they were actually attributed to.

Those are good. The x-ray table one is pretty true. Had to have my knee x-rayed, so they had me get up on the table and I swear it was like sitting on a never melting ice cube

Originally Posted by bigcanada813

Those are good. The x-ray table one is pretty true. Had to have my knee x-rayed, so they had me get up on the table and I swear it was like sitting on a never melting ice cube

Yeah, I never could understand the reason for stripping down to nothing but your attitude to have your toe worked on. And the paper gown always exposes your backside from head to heel to the table when you lie down.

Great stuff, sir.

Nice ones.

Should have searched for this one Missileer, been posted about a year ago by AJ:
Steven Wright Quotes

Oops. I'll have to admit that I didn't search first. I just hate it when that happens.

he is one of the best.