It was when I was writing my first letter to him that it hit me. My boyfriend was going to serve in the U.S. Armed Forces, and I wasn’t going to see him for…well, that was the hardest part, I didn’t even know when I’d see him next. Our goodbye had been heartfelt, and I cried when I saw him pull out of my driveway in this car, but I soon realized that it didn’t hit me at that point. It was when I was looking down at that blank sheet of paper-- the one meant for him--that I knew this was how things were going to be.

I didn’t know what to say. Did he want me to ask about what’s going on? Did he want me to tell him what all of his friends are up to back at home? Or how much I miss him? All of those things, I imagined, would only make him more upset. He was proud to enlist when he turned 18, but neither of us thought that he would be called away so soon. I had always admired his strength, I pictured him returning home not only as my hero, but as another one of our country’s as well (as corny as that sounds).

Deployment was something that I knew would be hard on the both of us. When he first told me the news that he’d be going, I was so excited for him. This had always been his dream—to serve. We even celebrated the days before he left, going to all of our dorky sentimental places that had meant so much to us, and taking Polaroids so that he could bring them with him. The thought of travelling abroad had always been a shared goal of ours, and for him it was finally happening. It just wasn’t happening with me.

Relationships of any kind can be both exhilarating and exhausting. My relationship with my boyfriend was no different. We had grown close over the time that we had been dating, but I had always just put the thought of him being deployed in the back of my mind. Our relationship was healthy and strong, but when I realized that it would be turning into a long distance one I began to worry about us.

While this reaction is nothing if not common in a military relationship, it can be difficult to know how to handle these uncertain feelings when you’re new to this kind of romance. It’s easy to feel alone and lacking control when your partner has been called away. Who do you turn to for support? Fortunately, Dr. Sharon Budd, an adolescent psychologist, recommends to assess the communication situation. What’s his access to phone or email? Where can you send letters and care packages? Addressing this will make you aware of all the ways you can keep in touch.

Write letters, send care packages, and phone as often as possible. While it might seem counterintuitive, try not to tell your partner that you’re miserable that they’re gone. They know. Neither one of you has any control over that now, you can’t change this situation. Instead, focus on all the good that’s going on and any new hobbies you’ve taken up. Tell them you miss them, but that you’re proud they’re away doing what they’re doing. Your strength will give them strength.

Reaching out to friends and loved ones is another great way of coping with a boyfriend or girlfriend’s deployment, especially if you know someone who is going through the same situation. Dr. Budd recommends that you take time not only for yourself, but for social activities. Withdrawal and isolation are all too common, and while you may need time to recharge, the risk of becoming too reclusive is something that you should be wary of. “It is important not to put your life on hold because your boyfriend is away,” says Dr. Budd. Not only will having an active social life at home give you fodder for conversation, but it will also show your partner just how strongly you’re soldering through this tough period.

Dating someone in the Armed Forces is, in essence, a temporary long distance relationship. Marie Hartwell-Walker, Ed.D. of PsychCentral.com says that these kind of relationships can make it, but the couples who do “are those that understand that this is a natural part of a long-term commitment.” However, if they can do this, she says couples will find that “working through difficult times usually strengthens and betters the relationship.” For a couple tackling how to deal with deployment, Hartwell-Walker recommends seeing it as just a “stage in the relationship,” and not another battle they must overcome. “Successful long distance relationships do exist,” she reassures, “many of them happily.”

Trust had never been an issue for my boyfriend and I. But after about a month or two abroad he started writing letters saying that he wasn’t sure if he could handle having a relationship anymore. That the thought of me so far away and him not being able to be there was too much for him. I told him that I was strong enough, that I’d stand by his side for as long as he’d be away—that he could trust in us and himself. But it wasn’t enough.

The next letter that I received was his last. He had decided to break things off, amicably, because it was too much pressure for him. At that time I couldn’t understand. Letters, gift boxes, phone calls… I’d done everything I could to let him know that I cared for him and was proud of him. Yet it wasn’t enough for him to have faith in himself, that he could stay loyal, while abroad. (He was right.)

“It’s difficult,” says Rachel Neal, a myYearbook user of her military relationship, “and it’s a very true test of faith and trust and love for the person you’re with—for both people involved.” In her comment, she mentions that her policeman boyfriend told her “very few of the people who came into basic [training] with relationships came out of basic with those relationships intact.” However, this doesn’t mean that either person involved in the relationship is necessarily at fault. Sometimes, no matter what kind of relationship you’re in, things just don’t work out. “You’re no less of a person if you can’t handle the distance and you split honorably,” says Neal, “that’s a lot better than cheating or breaking up angrily.”

While my military relationship didn’t work, it would never stop me from getting involved with someone else who serves in the Armed Forces again. I have the highest respect for people who put their lives on the line every day. The relationship you have with someone in the military will be trying at times, of course, but it can also show you strength that you didn’t realize you had.

“I was in Iraq two years ago, and the only think I could think about while I was over there was coming home to see my girlfriends face—holding her, and kissing her,” says myYearbook user Scott Steffens. The hard times you face in this kind of a relationship aren’t for nothing though, he says. “Coming back from a deployment and seeing your significant other standing there, waiting for you, is one of the best feelings ever…”

What is the one thing that really draws you to a person? Is it the way they are always there for their close friends? Is it the fact that they like the same things as you? Is it that they scored a seven or higher in your ratings forum?

I have always chosen friends based on the first two choices in the above paragraph. I couldn’t care less what my friends look like, as long as we have interests in common and they will be there for me if I ever need them to be. I was raised in a different time, however, when we were taught that looks are only skin deep and fade with time. Some understood this, some did not, but it was something that resonated with me.

I have been noticing more and more frequently, that in the “Rate” forums, people are asking for anyone receiving a score of seven or higher to add them as friends on myYearbook. This leads one to not only believe that the poster is superficial, but more concerned with the outward appearance than the content of the person with whom they choose as a friend. To choose a friend based entirely off of their appearance, to me, seems like an unwise investment of your time and energy.

Why would anyone subject themselves to this sort of criticism? A lot of teens do it to find acceptance or reassurance that they are, indeed, as attractive as their peers. Unfortunately, most of the time, the person rating isn’t taking into consideration the fact that the things they say can and do have an effect on the people they are rating. Rating someone as a one, for example, with the definition of one being, “Eww. Gross. Go kill Urself already!” is going to do more harm than good. True, maybe the person seeking to be rated shouldn’t have asked if they can’t handle one person's opinion, but no one should ever be that uncaring and harsh towards someone else.

One person’s view may not be much in the grand scheme of life, but in the here and now, it can make a drastic impact on your body image and self-esteem. In studies conducted by Bradley Hospital, Butler Hospital and Brown Medical School, researchers found that adolescents with negative body image concerns are more likely to be depressed, anxious and suicidal than those without intense dissatisfaction over their appearance, even when compared to adolescents with other psychiatric illnesses. Simply translated, teens that are not happy with their appearance are more likely to attempt suicide than teens that are bipolar or suffer from schizophrenia.

So the next time you choose to engage in a rating forum, think about the way you define your scale, and the effect it may have on the person who is being rated. You may just be the opinion that pushes someone over the edge or pulls them back from jumping.

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