April 30th, 2003
Saddam Hussein Top 10 Lists (Late Show with Letterman) info
Here they are, all of them, thanks to http://miljokes.com/topten.htm
for alerting me to these! Top Ten Surprises In Dan Rather's Interview with Saddam Hussein
Top Ten Signs Saddam Hussein Is Getting Nervous
10. Saddam's responses to American charges were mainly of the "your momma's so fat" variety |
9. The good laugh they shared at how wimpy the French are
8. Saddam kept calling Dan "Wolf"
7. The palpable sexual tension
6. Not only do they get CBS in Iraq, Saddam loves "Becker"
5. If the United States invades, Saddam would like us to do it in March, after the Baghdad tulip show
4. Entire interview was Saddam demonstrating a low-impact aerobic workout
3. Saddam fell for it every time Dan yelled, "Incoming!"
2. Proudly introduced Dan to the three relatives he hasn't executed
1. Saddam agreed to disarm if they give him one shot on "American Idol"
Top Ten Saddam Hussein Campaign Promises
10. Recently he seems less "bloodthirsty" and more "murderous" |
9. Every time the doorbell rings, he yells, "Incoming!"
8. At dinner, can only finish half a gazelle
7. Ebert-sized sweat marks on his fatigues
6. Has had his mustache bulletproofed
5. Panicked after realizing he might not be around to see who wins on "The Bachelor"
4. Too fidgety to sit still for his monthly gigantic portrait
3. Canceled his "Victory Over The Great Satan" party
2. Has started making bad decisions, like betting on the Knicks
1. He's taking Zoloft along with his Cipro
Top Ten Saddam Hussein Tips for A Romantic Evening
10. Will guide Iraq forward into the eleventh century |
9. More money spent on the arts, specifically flattering portraits of Saddam Hussein
8. Will hold regular "town hall" meetings, followed by "town hall" tortures and executions
7. Less talk, more rock
6. An anthrax-infected chicken in every pot!
5. Switch from intimidating beret to humorous "Lordy Lordy I'm Over Forty" baseball cap
4. I'll paint any camel for $99.99
3. Ah, what the hell -- mustaches for everybody!
2. Sunday night "Sex and the City" marathon at the palace
1. To restore decency and integrity to the office of tyrannical, murderous dictator
Top Ten Perks Of Being Saddam Hussein's Stepson
10. Splash on a little goat's blood |
9. Play romantic music to drown out the cries of tortured dissidents
8. Shampoo and condition your mustache
7. Don't be a cheapskate at the movies -- buy the large hummus
6. Have a violinist brought over to your table and executed
5. Show sensitive side by releasing her family from prison
4. "Say it with toxic nerve agents"
3. Sit on porch swing and watch twinkling United State reconnaissance satellites
2. Name a camel after her
1. Ask if she wants to "inspect your biological weapon"
Top Ten Ways Saddam Hussein Celebrated His 65th Birthday
10. For your birthday, you get the head of an infidel |
9. People never refer to you as "The crazy one in the family"
8. On weekends, you get to bring home weapons of mass destruction
7. Don't want to clean your room? Threaten to tell the United States dad's exact location
6. Play your cards right and in 10 years you'll be torturing the Iraqi people
5. Unique chance to observe a tyrannical madman up close
4. Big inheritance when U.S. troops finally kill your stepfather
3. Father-son bonding over 3am prank calls to U.N. weapons inspectors
2. You can get first pick of the police auction's seized and repossessed camels
1. Get to call Bin Laden "Uncle Osama"
10. Played "Pin the Electrode On The Imprisoned Dissident" |
9. Passed out custom-made "Happy Birthday" berets
8. 65 shots of yager, dude!
7. Opened millions of identical "Happy Birthday Saddam" cards from citizens forced to buy and mail them
6. Got an ugly tie from his son-in-law. Had him executed
5. Wolfed down one mother of a free omelet at Denny's
4. Hired Sammy Hagar to perform "I Can't Drive 55"
3. Blew out candles on his "Fudgie The Goat" cake
2. Nice quiet dinner with his new wife, Liza Minnelli
1. Reflected on being a year closer to spending eternity in hell
Happy birthday you tyrant, hope Hell is the perfect gettaway.