|May 18th, 2007||#1|
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The first patient they visit is a young woman. She is practicing ballet. One of the psychiatrists asks, "What are you doing?" She replies, "I'm studying ballet so when I get out of here I can possibly join a troupe and be a productive member of society." "Wow, that's wonderful." the psychiatrist said.
The next person was a man reading a book with a pile of books next to him. The same question asked to him, "What are you doing?" "I'm studying biology, chemistry, etc., so I can enter medical school when I get out."
Room after room, they witnessed the incredible success and attitudes of the patients until they reached a room that the asylum's director was reluctant to open. Finally, he was persuaded to open it. Inside was a man balancing peanuts on his manhood. One psychiatrist exclaimed, "My gosh! What in heavens are you doing?" The man replied, "I'm f**king nuts and I'm never getting out of here."
A psychiatrist, on his rounds in a mental hospital sees a couple of patients behaving rather strangely.
The first man is sitting on the edge of his bed clutching an imaginary steering wheel and making loud train noises "Chooo-Chooo... Whoooo-Whooooo..."
"What are you doing?" enquires the doctor.
"I'm taking a train down to Barcelona," replies the man. Somewhat taken aback but not to be put off, the doctor moves on to the next bed where he can see some very energetic activity going on underneath the covers.
On pulling them back he finds a man totally naked, faced down into the mattress moving his body up and down.
"And what are you doing?" asks the doctor, a little perplexed.
"Well," pants the patient, "While he's in Barcelona, I'm screwing his wife."
A child psychologist for a school is asked to see a pupil who draws all his pictures with black and brown crayons. He talks to him. Nothing obvious. He gives him projective tests. Nothing shows up. Finally, in desperation, he gives him some paper and a box of crayons. "Oh goody," says the boy, "I got an old box in school and only black and brown were left."
Psychiatrist: 1) Mind-sweeper. 2) Someone who asks a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing.
"I'm treating a patient with a split personality," boasted a psychiatrist, "and Medicare pays for both of them!"
What is the worst thing about schizophrenia? Paying more than once for everything.
How do you tell the difference between the psychiatrists and the patients at the mental hospital?
The patients are the ones that eventually get better and go home!
Two behaviorists had just finished having sex, and the first one turns to the other, and says, "It was good for you, was it good for me?"
What is the difference between a psychiatrist and a psychologist? If you say to a psychiatrist "I hate my mother", the shrink will ask "Why do you say that?"
While a psychologist will say "Thank you for sharing that with us. Would you like to further discuss this on my TV talk show?"
The head doctors in a mental hospital had a meeting and decided that one of their patients was potentially well. So they decide to test him and take him to the movies. When they get to the movie theatre, there are signs of wet paint pointing to the benches. The doctors just sit down, but the patient puts a newspaper down first and then sits down. The doctors get all excited because they think maybe he's in touch with reality now. So they ask him, "Why did you put the newspaper down first?" He answers, "So I'd be higher and have a better view."
Seven days without laughter makes one weak.