pilot jokes

xander

Active member
The Herc and the F-15s

A couple of F-15's are escorting a C-130 Hercules, and their pilots are chatting with the pilot of the transport to pass the time. Talk comes ‘round to the relative merits of their respective aircraft. Of course the fighter pilots contend that their airplanes were better because of their superior speed, maneuverability, weaponry, and so forth, while the putting down the Herc’s deficiencies in these areas.

After taking this for a while, the C-130 pilot says, "Oh yeah? Well, I can do a few things in this old girl that you'd only dream about." Naturally, the fighter jocks challenge him to demonstrate.

"Just watch," comes the quick retort.

And so they watch. But all they see is that C-130 continuing to fly straight and level..

After several minutes the Herc pilot comes back on the air, saying "There! How was that?"

Not having seen anything, the fighter pilots reply, "What are you talking about? What did you do?"

And the Herc pilot replies, "Well, I got up, stretched my legs, got a cup of coffee, then went back an took a leak."

Q&A

Q: How do you know if there is an Air Force pilot at your party?
A: He'll tell you.

Q: What's the difference between an Air Force pilot and a jet engine?
A: A jet engine stops whining when the planes shuts down.

Q: How many Air Force pilots does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One...he just holds the bulb and the world revolves around him.

Q: How do you bury a fighter pilot?
A: You give him an enema and bury what’s left in a shoe box.

The Three Pilots

Three pilots are walking through the forest when they come upon a set of tracks.

The first pilot says, "Those are deer tracks."

The second pilot says, "No, those are elk tracks."

The third pilot says, "You're both wrong! Those are moose tracks."

The pilots were still arguing when the train hit them.

“My Wife . . . .”

A Navy Chief and an Air Force General were getting shave sin a barbershop.

As the barbers were reaching for some after-shave to slap on their faces, the General

shouts, "Hey, don't put that crap on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!" Whereupon the Chief turns to his barber and says, "Go ahead and put it on me, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."
 
Bump to the top...I got this one in my inbox again this week:

The Herc and the F-15s

A couple of F-15's are escorting a C-130 Hercules, and their pilots are chatting with the pilot of the transport to pass the time. Talk comes ‘round to the relative merits of their respective aircraft. Of course the fighter pilots contend that their airplanes were better because of their superior speed, maneuverability, weaponry, and so forth, while the putting down the Herc’s deficiencies in these areas.

After taking this for a while, the C-130 pilot says, "Oh yeah? Well, I can do a few things in this old girl that you'd only dream about." Naturally, the fighter jocks challenge him to demonstrate.

"Just watch," comes the quick retort.

And so they watch. But all they see is that C-130 continuing to fly straight and level..

After several minutes the Herc pilot comes back on the air, saying "There! How was that?"

Not having seen anything, the fighter pilots reply, "What are you talking about? What did you do?"

And the Herc pilot replies, "Well, I got up, stretched my legs, got a cup of coffee, then went back an took a leak."

And someone actually wrote a response!

I enjoyed your story about the "capabilities" of the Transport vs the Fighter. Reminded me of an incident that happened in the Navy back in the 1960's. At that time, F4 Phantoms were the Navy's hot fighter jets. As it happens, there was a Navy C130 transport on which a Rear Admiral (O-7) had hitched a ride. At this point in the story, the C130 pilot had to take a latrine break and put the transport on auto-pilot.

Meanwhile, a squadron of six F4 Phantoms were flying in formation and picked up the transport's signal on radar long before the C130's equipment would notice the fighters. So the squadron leader decided to initiate a little experiment in airborne psychology. He ordered the squadron to fly inverted.

Now, flying in the clouds, you don't really think much about terms like "up" and "down". It all looks the same and you just trust the equipment. So here's a Rear Admiral relaxing in the co-pilot's seat, when he sees six F4 Phantoms approaching him, ALL upside down. At that moment, the Admiral's reaction was that public opinion outnumbered his own by 6 to 1. So in a panic, he grabbed the controls and tried to invert the giant transport.

Of course, the big plane probably never rolled much more than maybe 30 degrees, but suddenly the pilot came rushing out of the lavatory, still pulling his pants up, to grab the controls and steady the plane. The squadron flew by, rolling right side up, and the commander gave the C130 a two-finger salute. By the time the transport landed at its destination, the story was all over the tarmac.

The reason I remember the story so well after so many years is that it illustrates that the majority is not always right.
 
The Herc and the F-15s

A couple of F-15's are escorting a C-130 Hercules, and their pilots are chatting with the pilot of the transport to pass the time. Talk comes ‘round to the relative merits of their respective aircraft. Of course the fighter pilots contend that their airplanes were better because of their superior speed, maneuverability, weaponry, and so forth, while the putting down the Herc’s deficiencies in these areas.

After taking this for a while, the C-130 pilot says, "Oh yeah? Well, I can do a few things in this old girl that you'd only dream about." Naturally, the fighter jocks challenge him to demonstrate.

"Just watch," comes the quick retort.

And so they watch. But all they see is that C-130 continuing to fly straight and level..

After several minutes the Herc pilot comes back on the air, saying "There! How was that?"

Not having seen anything, the fighter pilots reply, "What are you talking about? What did you do?"

And the Herc pilot replies, "Well, I got up, stretched my legs, got a cup of coffee, then went back an took a leak."

I know this one with.

Not having seen anything, the fighter pilots ask:

Q: "What did you do?"
A: "...we shut down two engines 5 min ago..."

Rattler
 
Last edited:
well, actually this was a bit of a cheap shot as the joke I referred to was dealing with some BUFF drivers talking to F-18 jockeys, in a Herc a shutdown straightaway would have been noticed (contrary to the BUFF)...

Anyway, here some more, probably pretty standard and you know most of them, but I can still find them hilarious after 30 yrs out of the business:

An Irish pilot got lost in a fog so he called ATC for a vector.
Q: "Can you give me your height and position"?
A: "About 5 foot 7, Left Hand Seat"
A guy visits a small town in Germany and sees a circus banner reading, "Don't Miss the Amazing Fighter Pilot!" Curious, he buys a ticket. He enters the Circus Arena and, there, spot lit in the center ring is a table with three walnuts on it.

Standing next to it is a retired Fighter Pilot. The Fighter Pilot suddenly unzips his pants, whips out a huge organ, and smashes all three walnuts with three mighty swings!

The crowd erupts in applause as the retired Fighter Pilot is carried off on the shoulders of the envious crowd.

Ten years later the guy visits the same little town and he sees the same faded banner. This time, instead of walnuts, three coconuts are on the table. The Fighter Pilot stands before them, then suddenly unzips his fly and smashes the coconuts in the same manner, as before. The crowd goes wild!

Flabbergasted, the guy requests a meeting with him after the show.
"You're incredible," he tells the Fighter Pilot, "but I have to know something. You're older now. Why switch from walnuts to coconuts?"

"Well," says the Fighter Pilot, "My eyes aren't what they used to be!"
One for Redneck:

You May Be A Redneck Pilot If...

... your stall warning plays "Dixie."

... your cross-country flight plan uses flea markets as check points.

... you think sectionals charts should show trailer parks.

... you have mud flaps on your wheel pants.

... you think GPS stands for "going perfectly straight".

... your toothpick keeps poking your mike.

... you constantly confuse Beechcraft with Beechnut.

... just before impact, you are heard saying, "Hey y'all, watch this!"

... you have a black airplane with a big #3 on the side.

... you wouldn't be caught dead flyin' a Grumman "Yankee."

... you refer to flying in formation as "We got ourselves a convoy!"

... there is a sign on the side of your aircraft advertising your septic tank service.

... when you are the owner of Red Neck Airlines and pilot of Redneck One.

... you subscribe to The Southern Aviator because of the soft paper!

... you have ever responded to ATC with the phrase "That's a big 10-4!"

... you typically answer female controllers with titles like "sugar" or "little darlin'."

... you glance down at your belt buckle to help you remember your N-number.

... you have ever tried to impress your girlfriend by buzzing her doublewide.

... the preprinted portion of your weight and balance sheet contains "Case of Bud."

... your go/no-go checklist includes the words "Skoal" or "Redman."
There is a joke collection that is really old, originally (AFAIK) they stemmed from the RAF, and I first saw them posted by Nick "Manic" Moran (http://208.84.116.223/forums/lofiversion/index.php/t24709.html) some 20 (-) yrs ago right at the start of all the www stuff on his home page (http://www.clubi.ie/exalted) that long has gone out of service.

Later the collection got allocated to various Air Force formations (e.g. US "Gripe Sheets", here is what I find in my old emails (compuserve 1991! can you imagine!!! :p) from the RAF sheets where pilots left notes about true/imagined problems for the techies to solve:

Pilot Report: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
Mechanics Comment: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

PR: ..., auto-land very rough.
MC: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

PR: Something loose in cockpit
MC: Something tightened in cockpit

PR: Dead bugs on windshield.
MC: Live bugs on back-order.

PR: Evidence of hydraulic fluid leak on right main landing gear.
MC: Evidence removed.

PR: DME volume unbelievably loud.
MC: DME volume set to more believable level.

PR: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
MC: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

PR: Number 3 engine missing.
MC: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

PR: Aircraft handles funny.
MC: Aircraft warned to: Straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
That´s it for now, enjoy!

Rattler
 
Last edited:
Back
Top