i actually wrote this poem for English class, what do you guys think?


Teardrops


Booming
Thundering
Crying

I can taste my fear
the whizz of Death past my ear
a scream, a shout, a plea close by
I feel the sadness as God begins to cry

I feel the teardrop touch my heart
the feelings I wish I could impart
as the teardrops fall, I fight
for the life of my own
for the love I have known
for the things I have done
all for the tears of the Sun

does anybody have any feedback on my poem? good? bad? dumb? FYI, i was supposed to go to the Young Authors Awards Banquet kinda-thig becuase of this poem, but i wanna know what you guys think, and if you dont like it, say so. thats why i posted it here.

i like the poem but i have some suggestions.
1. dont use the word whizz. (is it a word?)
2. i think this would flow better.

change
for the love I have known
for the things I have done
all for the tears of the Sun

to
for the love I have once known
for the things that I have done
all for the tears of the Sun

just my input. take it or leave it.

thanks, actually that does sound better, i appreciate that. anyone else?