What do you do if your best friend runs off with your husband?
A. Miss her
B. Pity her
C. Both A and B

How does a man save a woman from being attacked on the street at night?
He controls himself.

Why don't men like to drink coffee at work?
It keeps them awake.

Why is it dangerous to tell the husband to go and change the son?
Two hours later he comes back with a baby girl.

Why didn't the husband change the baby for a week?
Because the text on the nappies package said '18-40 lbs'.

Why do men come home drunk and leave their clothes on the floor?
Because they are in them.

Why do men want to vote for a female President?
Because we'd only have to pay her half as much.

What's the difference between a man and a messy room?
You can straighten up a messy room.

What's the difference between a man and an ox?
Fifteen pounds and a six-pack.

How many men would it take to mop a floor?
No one knows; they've never done it.

What is a "successful hunting trip" ?
When three men kill 9 cases of Budweiser in two days

What's the difference between a man and Bigfoot?
One is covered with matted hair and smells awful. The other has big feet.

What does a man call true love?
An erection.

Why is a man like a moped?
They're both fun to ride until your friends see you with one.

What's the difference between a man and a parrot?
You can teach a parrot to talk nicely.

What's the difference between a marriage and a mental hospital?
At a mental hospital you have to show improvement to get out.

What is six inches long, two inches wide and make men act like fools?
Money.

What's the most effective birth control device for men.
Their manners.


What's a dumb man's martini?
An olive in a glass of beer.


How do men define insomnia?
Waking up every few days.

Why don't men believe in paternity tests?
Because the sample is taken from their finger.

Men are proof of reincarnation.
You can't get that dumb in just one lifetime.

Nobody can call him a quitter.
He always gets fired.

Why does a man bother?
He's hoping for a lucky stroke.

Why do male bosses have such poor grammar?
Because they end every sentence with a proposition.

Why don't men cook at home?
No one's invented a steak that will fit in the toaster.

Behind every great woman is a man telling her she's ignoring him.

Behind every great man is a puzzled woman.

What did God say after she made Eve?
"Practice makes perfect."

How does a woman know the man is cheating on her?
He starts bathing twice a week.

He keeps a record of everything he eats......on his necktie.

What's the one thing that keeps most men out of college?
High School.

Husband: "This coffee isn't fit for a pig!"
Wife: "No problem, I'll get you some that is."

Why should a man stay out of the kitchen?
Because the last time he cooked, he burned the salad.

Why don't men eat between meals.
There *IS* no "between" meals.

What's the quickest way to lose 190 pounds of ugly fat?
Divorce him.

What is the definition of an low-down, inconsiderate husband?
One who wins a trip to Paris and goes by himself, twice.

How do women define a 50/50 relationship?
We cook/they eat; We clean/they dirty; We iron/ they wrinkle.

How are men like noodles?
They soften in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.

Why don't men do laundry?
Cause the washer and dryer don't run on remote control!

What do you call a woman that works like a man??
A Lazy bi**h.

Why is urine yellow and sperm white?
So men can tell if they are coming or going.

What's the difference between a man and a cow?
One brain cell that prevents them from sh**ting all over the place!

Did you hear about the baby born with both sexes?
It had a penis AND a brain!

Why are men with pierced ears are better prepared for marriage.
They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

How do most men define marriage?
The costliest way to get maid service.

Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
Because they don't have balls to scratch.

What's the difference between an intelligent man and a UFO?
I don't know, I've never seen either one.

I like number 42!!!

YOU ARE MY MAN HATIN HERO!

tee-hee these are really good!

Meh, they're alright...

LOLOL.

Love them.