A guy just died and he's at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted, while St. Peter is leafin' through this Big Book to see if the guy is worthy.

St. Peter goes through the Book several times, furrows his brow and says to the guy, "You know, I can't see that you ever did anything really bad in your life, but you never did anything really good either. If you can point to even one REALLY GOOD DEED, you're in."

The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Yeah, there was this one time when I was driving down the highway and saw a giant group of thugs assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on and sure enough, there they were, about 50 of 'em harassing this terrified young woman. Infuriated, I got out of my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked up to the leader of the gang, a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the thugs formed a circle around me. So, I ripped the leader's chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Layed him out. Then I turned and yelled at the rest of them, 'Leave this poor innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'"

St. Peter, impressed, says, "Really? When did this happen?"

"Oh, about two minutes ago."



A zen buddhist walks up to a hot dog vendor in the park and says, "Make me one with everything."

The hot dog vendor makes him a hot dog with everything on it and hands it to him, saying, "That will be $5."

The zen buddhist hands him a $50 bill and waits patiently. After nothing happens, he says, "Where is my change?"
The hot dog vendor says, "Change is within," and slowly wheels his cart away.



A priest was vested in his surplice and cassock and was ready to proceed into the church for the beginning of the service. His surplice was very ornate, and he was swinging the incense pot which had smoke coming from it.
Upon entering the church door, an almost-totally blind old lady touched him on the shoulder and squinting her eyes said, "Oh darling, I love your dress, but your purse is on fire!"

Ahahahaha. Good stuff.

funny...