International Military Forums - Other jokes and humor stuff http://www.military-quotes.com/forum/ Non-mil related jokes and humor stuff goes in here en Sat, 21 Nov 2009 00:05:27 GMT vBulletin 60 http://www.military-quotes.com/forum/images/imf/misc/rss.jpg International Military Forums - Other jokes and humor stuff http://www.military-quotes.com/forum/ What do you believe..... http://www.military-quotes.com/forum/what-believe-t79814.html Fri, 20 Nov 2009 22:32:38 GMT Al Gore, Bill Clinton and Barrack Obama go to heaven...

God addresses Al first.. ''Al, what do you believe in?''


Al replies: "Well, I believe that I won that election,

but that it was your will that I did not serve....

And I've come to understand that now.''


God thinks for a second and says:

"Very good. Come and sit at my left.''


God then addresses Bill. "Bill, what do you believe in?''



Bill replies: "I believe in forgiveness.

I've sinned, but I've never held a

grudge against my fellow man,

and I hope no grudges are held against me.''


God thinks for a second and says:

"You are forgiven, my son. Come and sit at my right.''

Then God addresses Barrack. "Barrack, what do you believe in?''



He replies: "I believe you're in my chair."
]]> Other jokes and humor stuff tomtom22 http://www.military-quotes.com/forum/what-believe-t79814.html Wisdom of a wife http://www.military-quotes.com/forum/wisdom-wife-t79752.html Wed, 18 Nov 2009 03:17:43 GMT
The wife and I were sitting around the breakfast
table one lazy Sunday morning. I said to her,
"If I were to die suddenly, I want you to
immediately sell all my stuff."
"Now why would you want me to do something
like that"" she asked.
"I figure that you would eventually remarry and I
don't want some @$$hole using my stuff . . ."
She looked at me and said: "What makes you think
I'd marry another @$$hole?
]]> Other jokes and humor stuff tomtom22 http://www.military-quotes.com/forum/wisdom-wife-t79752.html How to be a successful evil overlord http://www.military-quotes.com/forum/how-successful-evil-overlord-t79691.html Sun, 15 Nov 2009 21:56:52 GMT How to be a Successful Evil Overlord
by Peter Anspach

Being an Evil Overlord seems to be a good career choice. It pays well, there are all sorts of perks and you can set your own hours. However every Evil Overlord I've read about in books or seen in movies invariably gets overthrown and destroyed in the end. I've noticed that no matter whether they are barbarian lords, deranged wizards, mad scientists, or alien invaders, they always seem to make the same basic mistakes every single time. With that in mind, allow me to present...


The Top 100 Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord


1. My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear Plexiglas visors, not face concealing ones.
2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell in my dungeon.
4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.
5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragon of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.
6. I will not gloat over my enemies predicament before killing them.
7. When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him. No, on second thought, I'll shoot him and then say "No."
8. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.
9. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled, "Danger: Don Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will clearly not be labelled as such.
10. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum - a small hotel room well outside my border will work just as well.
11. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.
12. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.
13. All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least several round of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.
14. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.
15. I will never employ any device with a digital count-down. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable. I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.
16. I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know."
17. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.
18. I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would prove a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.
19. I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own father.
20. Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.
21. I will hire a fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legion of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman foot soldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.
22. No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.
23. I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless -- my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.
24. I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strength and weaknesses. Even though this takes some fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)
25. No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible spot.
26. No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive which is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bed chamber.
27. I will never build only one of anything important. All important systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.
28. My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.
29. I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion.
30. All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be preemptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.
31. All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcements and/or romantic sub-plot for the hero or his side-kick.
32. I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.
33. I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions.
34. I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.
35. I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.
36. I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.
37. If my trusted lieutenant tell me my Legion of Terror is losing a battle, I will believe him.. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant.
38. If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age.
39. If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army.
40. I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable super-weapon, I will use it early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.
41. Once my power is secure, I will destroy all of those pesky time travel devices.
42. When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys that happens to follow him around.
43. I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my plans.
44. I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.
45. I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him and say "And here is the price for failure." then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.
46. If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?", I will reply "This." and kill the advisor.
47. If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature.
48. I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.
49. If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me, I will not send all of my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper.
50. My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh powerbooks. ]]> Other jokes and humor stuff Sevens http://www.military-quotes.com/forum/how-successful-evil-overlord-t79691.html Microsoft employee of the month http://www.military-quotes.com/forum/microsoft-employee-month-t79668.html Sat, 14 Nov 2009 19:11:47 GMT Before anyone takes me to task about this....I dare you (if you've ever owned a computer) to tell me that you've never dealt with this guy!


http://www.guy-sports.com/humor/comp...t_employee.htm ]]> Other jokes and humor stuff jillyz12 http://www.military-quotes.com/forum/microsoft-employee-month-t79668.html Nymphomaniac Convention http://www.military-quotes.com/forum/nymphomaniac-convention-t79542.html Wed, 11 Nov 2009 01:25:02 GMT A man boards an airplane, and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances up and sees the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realizes she is heading straight towards his seat. A wave of nervous anticipation washes over him. Lo and behold, she takes the seat right beside his. Anxious to strike up a conversation, he blurts out, "So where are you flying to today?"

She turns and smiles, and says, "To the annual Nymphomaniac Convention, in Chicago."

He swallows hard, and is instantly CRAZED with excitement. Here's the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen, sitting RIGHT next to him, and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs. Struggling to maintain his outward cool, he calmly asks, "And what's your role at this convention?"

She flips her hair back, turns to him, looks into his eyes and says, "Well, I try to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really" he says, swallowing hard. "And what myths are those?"

She explains, "Well, one popular myth is that African American men are the most well-endowed when, in fact, it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess this trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who romance women best, on average."

"I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."

"Very interesting," the man responds.

Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed, and blushes. "I'm sorry," she says, "I feel so awkward discussing this with you, and I don't even know your name."

The man extends his hand and replies, "Tonto... Tonto Goldstein...but my friends call me Bubba." ]]> Other jokes and humor stuff jillyz12 http://www.military-quotes.com/forum/nymphomaniac-convention-t79542.html Quotes on marriage http://www.military-quotes.com/forum/quotes-marriage-t79439.html Fri, 06 Nov 2009 23:05:06 GMT When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
David Bissonette


After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
Sacha Guitry


By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates


Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Anonymous

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?"
Dumas


I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Sigmund Freud


'Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.'
Anonymous

'There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.'
Sam Kinison

'I've had bad luck with both my wives.
The first one left me, and the second one didn't.'
James Holt McGavra

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
Patrick Murra

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once....
Nash

You know what I did before I married?
Anything I wanted to.
Anonymous

My wife and I were happy for twenty years.
Then we met.
Henny Youngman

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Rodney Dangerfield

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'
Anonymous

First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!'
Second Guy: 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'
Anonymous

]]> Other jokes and humor stuff tomtom22 http://www.military-quotes.com/forum/quotes-marriage-t79439.html <![CDATA["Imitation Honey]]> http://www.military-quotes.com/forum/imitation-honey-t79427.html Fri, 06 Nov 2009 05:27:33 GMT What do you lable a bottle of imitation Honey ????

"Wanna-BEE" ]]> Other jokes and humor stuff EMBLEMHUNTER http://www.military-quotes.com/forum/imitation-honey-t79427.html Eskimo and West Virginian..... http://www.military-quotes.com/forum/eskimo-west-virginian-t79404.html Thu, 05 Nov 2009 14:29:34 GMT An Eskimo is on vacation in West Virginia when his car breaks down. He takes it to a local garage for the mechanic to look at. The mechanic looks under the hood and says, "Looks like ya'll blown a seal." The Eskimo replies, "So what, at least I don't F@#K Sheep!!!" ]]> Other jokes and humor stuff John Lydon http://www.military-quotes.com/forum/eskimo-west-virginian-t79404.html Great yard sign http://www.military-quotes.com/forum/great-yard-sign-t79354.html Wed, 04 Nov 2009 00:57:44 GMT You may have to magnify it a bit...... http://www.papatodd.com/?p=2319 You may have to magnify it a bit......


http://www.papatodd.com/?p=2319 ]]> Other jokes and humor stuff jillyz12 http://www.military-quotes.com/forum/great-yard-sign-t79354.html <![CDATA[It's the Viagra]]> http://www.military-quotes.com/forum/its-viagra-t79306.html Sun, 01 Nov 2009 22:27:31 GMT A woman asks her husband at breakfast time, "Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?"

He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunchtime, she asked him if he would like something. "How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"

He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."

Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"

He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry."

"Well," she says, "Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving." ]]> Other jokes and humor stuff tomtom22 http://www.military-quotes.com/forum/its-viagra-t79306.html Are you Democrat, Republican, or Redneck? http://www.military-quotes.com/forum/democrat-republican-redneck-t79264.html Fri, 30 Oct 2009 12:41:25 GMT Are you a Democrat, a Republican, or a Redneck?



Here is a little test that will help you decide. The answer can be found by posing the following question:




You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you.



You are carrying a Kimber 1911 45 cal. ACP, and you are an expert shot.



You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?



.................................................. ....



THINK CAREFULLY AND THEN SCROLL DOWN:







Democrat's Answer :



Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!

Does the man look poor or oppressed?

Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?

Could we run away?

What does my wife think?

What about the kids?

Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?

What does the law say about this situation?

Does the pistol have appropriate safety built into it?

Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?

Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?

Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?

If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?

Should I call 9-1-1?

Why is this street so deserted?

We need to raise taxes, have paint and weed day and make this happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.

This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for few days and try to come to a consensus..

.................................................. ....



Republican's Answer:



BANG!

.................................................. .....


Redneck's Answer:


BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click ..... (Sounds of reloading)
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click

Daughter: Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hydrashocks?

Son: Can I shoot the next one?

Wife: You ain't taking that to the taxidermist! ]]> Other jokes and humor stuff jillyz12 http://www.military-quotes.com/forum/democrat-republican-redneck-t79264.html Some Good Political Humor http://www.military-quotes.com/forum/some-good-political-humor-t79244.html Thu, 29 Oct 2009 17:06:29 GMT http://www.theonion.com/content/news_briefs/obamas_declaration_of_swine Nothing like partisanship, is there? :-D http://www.theonion.com/content/news...ation_of_swine

Nothing like partisanship, is there? :-D ]]> Other jokes and humor stuff The Other Guy http://www.military-quotes.com/forum/some-good-political-humor-t79244.html Show him your BADGE! http://www.military-quotes.com/forum/show-him-your-badge-t79233.html Thu, 29 Oct 2009 05:37:21 GMT A DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas , and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher says, "Okay, but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.

The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? "

The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull......

With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....



"Your badge. Show him your BADGE!" ]]> Other jokes and humor stuff tomtom22 http://www.military-quotes.com/forum/show-him-your-badge-t79233.html <![CDATA[Don't eat chicken sandwiches]]> http://www.military-quotes.com/forum/dont-eat-chicken-sandwiches-t79152.html Sun, 25 Oct 2009 19:35:38 GMT Don't eat chicken sandwiches, no matter what......

A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends.


Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich.

He said, 'Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?' She said ' I love it but I have to stop eating it.'

'Why?' he asked.

She pointed to her lap and said 'Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!'

'Let me see' he said.

'Okay' and she pulled up her skirt.

He looked and said, 'That's right. You are! Better not eat any more chicken.'

He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter. He said to the little girl, 'I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers down there too!'

She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her!

She said 'Oh, my Gosh, it's too late for you!

You've already got the NECK and GIZZARDS!!!

]]> Other jokes and humor stuff tomtom22 http://www.military-quotes.com/forum/dont-eat-chicken-sandwiches-t79152.html sick sense of humor http://www.military-quotes.com/forum/sick-sense-humor-t79137.html Sat, 24 Oct 2009 20:32:15 GMT A woman is enjoying a good game of golf with her girlfriends. "Oh, No! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband! He's going to be really ticked if it's not ready on time."

When she gets home, she realizes she doesn't have enough time to go to the Super market, and all she has in the cupboard is a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opens the can of cat food, stirs in the egg and garnishes it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband is pulling up..

She greets her husband and then watches in horror as he sits down to his dinner. To her surprise, the husband is really enjoying it. "Darling, this the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day."

Needless to say, every golf day from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish. She told her golf partners about it and they were all horrified... "You're going to kill him!" they exclaimed.

Two months later, her husband died... The women were sitting around when one of them said, "You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly knowing you murdered your husband?"

The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him.. He fell off the windowsill while he was licking his ass."

 ]]> Other jokes and humor stuff tomtom22 http://www.military-quotes.com/forum/sick-sense-humor-t79137.html