Dougals joke post. MODs please let back to back posts

dougal

Active member
A man came home from work, sat down in his favourite chair,
turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer
before it starts." She looked a little puzzled, but brought him
a beer. When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another
beer. It's gonna start."
This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer.
When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer before it
starts."
That's it! She blows her top! "You bastard! You waltz in here,
flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then
expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that
I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"
The husband sighed. "Oh no - it's started!"




A Scotsman, an Italian, and an Irishman are in a bar. They are having a
good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.

Then the Scotsman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from,
back in Glasgee, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, ye buy a drink, ye
buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy yir third drink!"

The others agree that sounds like a good place.

Then the Italian says, "Yeah, dat's a nice bar, but where I come from
dere's a better one. In Roma, dere's this place, Vincenzo's. At Vincenzo's,
you buy a drink, Vincenzo buys you a drink. You buy anudda drink, Vincenzo
buys you anudda drink."

Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.

Then the Irishman says, "You tink dat's great? Where oi come from in
Dublin, dere's dis place called Morphy's. At Morphy's, they boy you your
forst drink, dey boy you your second drink, dey boy you your tird drink,
and den, dey take you in de back and get you laid!"

"Wow!" say the other two."That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to
you?"

"No," says the Irish guy, "but it happened to me sister."
 
some Irish military definitions

Transport coy sitting on your ass in an Nissan while your buddy's stand in the pissing rain minding a bank.see Nissan .

pdf standing in the pissing rain minding a bank .

fca stand in the pissing rain on a range while the pdf sit in their Nissans.

medic a cheap way to get a feel , they used to be called priests.

officer person who don't now where he is ,dammed if he knows what his doing ,and up shit creek if anyone asks him.

female officer invention to terrify male enlisted men usually resulting in the words "sir sorry ma_ ma _ mam ". followed by what is the right word mam mamm Madame to his peers ?.

sergeant, same as officer but can ask corporal but only in the form of a question which he appears to already know the answer too.

non line corporal glorified 4* private outnumber privates by at least 4:1 see dogsbody usual excused kitchen duties inplace of guardroom.

line corporal experienced 4*, can do anything a sergeant can do, can scare recruits half to death with a single glance, leap tall buildings and dodge bullets!........(yeah right)

private general labourer see kitchen

Nissan farm vehicle painted green complete with enough armour to prevent penetration by randy sheep.

panhard vehicle painted green complete with enough armour to prevent penetration by two randy sheep.

pattern 58 as name suggests this is made by blind grannies in conomarra in 1958, used to carry nonexistent ammo and kit design based on a 16th centaury device patented by the Spanish inquisition to cause maximum discomfort.

Dining hall slopbucket where meals rejected by Ethiopians are distributed by surly unhygienic soldiers and resembling a wildlife haven for rats, Richard attenboroughs "lurking with rats" documentary is due to be filmed in kilworh this year.see also dysentery, diorrea, flaming hole.


canteen building where crisps are sold so you wont die of starvation from the mess , also a pervour of cheap alcoholic beverages,

manual fabled book or books which is rumoured to exist to teach all military knowledge thought to be a myth with origins in folklore.

*Medics people too stupid to join the civil defence.

*cav people to stupid to join the brownies there still looking for their ponies .

*air defence thought they were joining the ICA.

bren gun gift graciously received by president e develera from field marshal hermut stunk jr after the second battle of el-alemine from captured British stocks.

gustav smg gift graciously received by commandant e develera from field marshal hermut stunk sr after the summer offensive of 1918 from captured British stocks.

Kilwoth top secret military installation ,were training in lorry dodging is provide before meals , see also mess

lahinch beloved by tiger woods wantabees this is Eire's answer to the beaches of Normandy stratigicly located to thwart the invasion of Icelandic fishermen and penguins , its accommodation is seconded by few

Tralee 4* accommodation combined with friendly locals and a stunning view of what you tax dollars can buy in the form of accommodation for refuges means that every -25 degree Celsius stay in beautiful ballymullen is memorable ,'roses !,there all dead from frostbite do yourself a favour and stay for as long as possible in one of the towns many fine hostelries

square officer car park

salute formal if infrequntly observed wave at an officer usually followed by "hows it going sir ".

air corps users of top secret stealth aircraft so secret no one has seen them {technology is thought to be based on klingon cloaking device}.

government Dublin based yuppies and cultchies who spend all your tax money on private jets and personnel cars instead of fighter jets and armoured personnel cars.

billet cold damp vermin infested living quarters designed for 50 but can accommodate upwards of 150 .

hand grenade rarely if ever seen weapon , if they are ever let out of stores they are reputed to be mills bomb no5 or German stielhandgranaten stick grenades ,

"on the books" similar to the an old school register it records people who are still officially in the fca but whom you've never met may include prople currently residing in the cemetery

camp 1-2 weeks of marching excessive consumption of bad food and good beer and just as your getting the hang of the soldiering thing they send you home 2 stone lighter with less money and then you started out with a bad dose of sunburn and a realisation that if you had your way you would if you had the chance it all over again

88mm mortar . light artillery piece which very few people know how to operate and can only be taught by the "gods of war " that are the PDF in combat it would be like giving a donkey a spinning wheel dambed if he knows how he got it and hasn't got a clue what to do with it, besides after 3 rnds the ammo would be gone

reserves poorly trained undervalued well meaning people who despite all this shit come back for more


A 2LT was walking home from work one day, when he noticed a little boy sitting on the sidewalk.
The little boy was playing with a pile of shit. Curious, the 2LT walked over to the little boy and asked him "Why are you playing with a pile of shit?" The little boy replied "I'm building an NCO". The 2LT, amused by this, ran back to the company to get his captain. Upon returning to the little boy, who was still playing with the pile of shit, the Captain asked "Son, what are you doing?" The little boy looked up at him and said " I'm building an NCO". The captain being equally amused insisted that they return and get the 1SG. When the three returned the little boy, still playing with his pile of shit, was asked by the 1SG "Son, what are you doing?" The little boy again replied "I'm building and NCO". "Why are you building an NCO?" asked the 1SG. The little boy paused and responded "Because I don't have enough shit to build an officer"
 
An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3-day pass.

The CO says "Are you crazy? You just join the Israeli army, and you already want a 3-day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!"

So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank!

The CO was so impressed, he asked "How did you do it?"

"Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs. I approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier, "Do you want to get a three-day pass? So we exchanged tanks!"
 
A 2LT was walking home from work one day, when he noticed a little boy sitting on the sidewalk.
The little boy was playing with a pile of shit. Curious, the 2LT walked over to the little boy and asked him "Why are you playing with a pile of shit?" The little boy replied "I'm building an NCO". The 2LT, amused by this, ran back to the company to get his captain. Upon returning to the little boy, who was still playing with the pile of shit, the Captain asked "Son, what are you doing?" The little boy looked up at him and said " I'm building an NCO". The captain being equally amused insisted that they return and get the 1SG. When the three returned the little boy, still playing with his pile of shit, was asked by the 1SG "Son, what are you doing?" The little boy again replied "I'm building and NCO". "Why are you building an NCO?" asked the 1SG. The little boy paused and responded "Because I don't have enough shit to build an officer"





How many gears does a french tank have?
Six; one forward and five reverse.
 
A very respected Captain in the Foreign Legion was transferred to a remote desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old seedy looking camel tied out behind the enlisted men's barracks. He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, "Why is a camel tied to the barracks?" The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do ... uh ... we have the camel ready for them.”

The Captain said, "Well, I suppose if it's good for morale, then I guess it's all right with me”. After he had been stationed at the fort for six long, lonely months, the Captain simply couldn't control his sexual angst any longer. He barked to his Sergeant: "BRING THE CAMEL INTO MY TENT!”

The Sergeant shrugged his shoulders, looked at the other men, and lead the camel into the Captain's quarters. Within a few minutes, the Captain emerged from his tent, fastening his trousers, almost beaming with pride.

"So, Sergeant, is that how the enlisted men do it?" he asked.
The Sergeant replied, "Well, sir, usually they just use it to ride into town."
 
Cpl. X, who was coming to the end of his career. He was on his last week & as a result didn't really give a toss about anything. His mate, Cpl. Y is on the gate, it's time for his lunch so he asks Cpl. X to cover for him. Cpl. X agrees & settles in for a spot of gate-keeping.

Soon enough a staff car, containing an officer of high rank, approaches. Cpl. X comes out, opens the barrier & lets them through, and goes back to the gate house.

The officer was a bit pissed at not getting a salute.
Officer: "Cpl"
Cpl. X: "Yes Sir"
Officer: "Is it not customary to pay complements to an officer?"
Cpl. X: "You're lookin' well today Sir"
 
One day a gardai clocked a car driven by a soilder at over 90 miles per hour. The soilder, one of our older military veterans of 10 overseas tours, immediately pulled over once he saw the blinking lights of the gardai car behind him!


soilder: Hi gardai. Did I do anything wrong?

gardaí: Sir I clocked you at 90 miles per hour. May I see your license please?

soilder: Naw that aint possible. I lost my license when I was charged with the Drunkeness about 4 years back.

gardaí: I see. The can I see your registration?

soilder: No that won’t be possible either. See this is a stolen car.

gardaí: stolen car?

soilder. Yep. The guy i stole it from is in the trunk.

gardaí: he's in the trunk?

soilder: yep. Bopped him on the head, cut him up into a hundred pieces, put em in plastic bags and popped him right into the trunk. You want to see him?

gardaí: no. You just stay in the car. The officer goes back to his car.

Five minutes later, five gardaí cars roll up and surround the vehicle. The gardai inspector strolls up to the car, with a drawn gun.

inspector: Sir, would you mind getting out of your car?

soilder: Sure sir. And he gets out

inspector: sir I just received a report from one of my men that he had just apprehended a driver without a license. Do you have a license to drive sir?

soilder: sure do and pulls out his driver license from his wallet.

inspector: I also received word that the man was driving a stolen car, with possibly a body in the trunk. Is this the case?

soilder: Naw sir, this is my car. He pulls the registration out of the glove compartment, and hands it to the captain.

inspector: would you mind opening your trunk?

soilder: sure sir. He then opened the trunk to reveal...nothing.

inspector: I am very puzzled. My man reported that he had apprehended an unlicensed driver, driving a stolen car, with a body in the trunk. None of that seems to be true.

soilder: yeah, and I bet the little liar even told you I was speeding didn’t he?


Works every time.
 
those were good, I'd heard a lot of those before but they're still good. Oh and the last one is a classic, I hear it around here a lot, though never quite told that way.
 
TOP TEN REASONS STUDYING IS BETTER THAN SEX!

10. YOU CAN USUALLY FIND SOMEONE TO DO IT WITH.

9. IF YOU GET TIRED, YOU CAN STOP, SAVE YOUR PLACE AND PICK UP
WHERE YOU LEFT OFF.

8. YOU CAN FINISH EARLY WITH-OUT FEELINGS OF GUILT OR SHAME.

7. WHEN YOU OPEN A BOOK, YOU DON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT WHO ELSE HAS
OPENED IT.

6. A LITTLE COFFEE AND YOU CAN DO IT ALL NIGHT.

5. IF YOU DON'T FINISH A CHAPTER YOU WON'T GAIN A REPUTATION AS A
"BOOK TEASER"

4. YOU CAN DO IT, EAT AND WATCH T.V. ALL AT THE SAME TIME.

3. YOU DON'T GET EMBARASSED IF YOUR PARENTS INTERRUPT YOU IN THE
MIDDLE.

2. YOU DON'T HAVE TO PUT YOUR BEER DOWN TO DO IT.

1. IF YOU AREN'T SURE WHAT YOU'RE DOING, YOU CAN ALWAYS ASK YOUR
ROOMMATE FOR HELP!
 
Budget cuts to the Defence force forced the fcá to start doing mock combat using no explosives, guns, or basically any equipment what-so-ever, so when it came to a training scenario, the Sergeant in charge tells his recruits that they are under imaginary fire, and what do they do?
So all of the recruits bar one scatter and get down behind "stuff", and get into returning fire positions.
The Sergeant notices this one recruit standing out in the open, quite relaxed and unfazed. Yelling, the Sergeant asks "What the devil do you think you're doing? You're under fire!" So the recruit takes one step to the left and remains still.
Now the Sergeant's really annoyed. He yells again, "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING? You're under imaginary fire, take cover!" The recruit turns to him and replies,
"I'm taking cover behind this imaginary tree Sergeant!"
 
those are great, I've got one that's so LAME, its cute. I hope you don't mind if I post it here. It's to lame to post in the regular joke forum, to many people would have to read it.

Two potatoes are standing on a street corner. How do you tell which one is the prostitute?
Look for the one that says IDAHO.
 
In The US Tank school, the following are defitnitions, as appropriate, by the different organizations that support the tank:

In the tank gunnery school, you are taught that if your tank could move, and communicate but could not shoot, what you had was a worthless tank.

In the tank propulsion school, you are taught if your tank could shoot, and communicate, but could not move, what you had was a worthless tank.

in the tank communication school, you are taught that if your tank can move, and communicate, but can not shoot, what you have essentially is a 52 ton portable radio.
 
This is an imaginary situation, but I think you will find it beneficial to think through this exercise.
The situation: You are in the Middle East, and there is a huge flood in progress. Many homes have been lost, water supplies compromised and structures destroyed.
You're a freelance photographer for a news service, you're traveling alone, looking for particularly poignant scenes that you can shoot.
You come across Osama Bin Ladeen who has been swept away by the floodwaters. He is barely hanging on to a tree limb and is about to go under.
You have to make a choice. You can either put down your camera and save him, or take a Pulitzer Prize winning photograph of him as he loses his grip on the limb.

So, here's the question ... and please think carefully before you answer it:





which lens do you use
 
PECKING ORDER (ARMY)

GENERAL:
Leaps tall buildings with a single bound, is more powerful than a locomotive, is faster than a speeding bullet, walks on water amid typhoons, reviews policy with God.

COLONEL:
Leaps short buildings with a single bound, is more powerful than a switch engine, is just as fast as a speeding bullet, walks on water if sea is calm, talks to God.

LIEUTENANT COLONEL:
Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds, is almost as powerful as a switch engine, is faster than a speeding BB, walks on water in indoor swimming pool, talks to God only if a special request chit is approved.

COMMANDANT:
Barely clears Quonset hut, loses tug-of-war with switch-engine, can fire a speeding bullet, swims well in a swimming pool, is occasionally addressed by God.

CAPTAIN:
Makes high marks by trying to leap buildings, is run over by the locomotive, can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self injury, dog paddles in a swimming pool, talks to animals.

LIEUTENANT :
Runs into buildings, recognizes locomotives two out of three times, is not issued ammunition, can stay afloat if properly instructed in a swimming pool, talks to walls.

2nd LIEUTENANT:
Falls over doorstep when trying to enter building, says look at the Choo-Choo, wets himself, plays in mud puddles, mumbles to himself.

SGT MAJOR:
Lifts buildings and walks under them, kicks locomotives off the tracks, catches speeding bullets in his teeth and eats them, freezes water with a single glance, makes policy and enforces it, HE IS GOD.
 
The instructor in a basic-training course asked a private what he would
do if he saw a figure crawling toward his post while on assigned guard duty.
"Why, I'd help the N.C.O. to his billet." said the private.
Sergeant to recruit: "Wipe that opinion off your face !"
 
An army Major visits the sick soldiers, goes up to one private and asks -
"What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic syphilis, Sir!"
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day, Sir!"
"What's your ambition?"
"To get back to the front lines, Sir!"
"Good man!" says the Major.

He goes to the next bed.
"What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic piles, Sir!"
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day, Sir!"
"What's your ambition?"
"To get back to the front lines, Sir!"
"Good man!" says the Major.

He goes to the next bed.
"What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic gum disease, Sir!"
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day, Sir!"
"What's your ambition?"
"To get to the front of the line and get the wire brush before the other two - Sir!"
 
Adolf Hitler is speeding through Germany with his chauffeur at the wheel on his way to an important address.
Driving down a country road, the chauffeur (who is distracted, looking out the window at the countryside) doesn't see a pig walk out onto the road, and he hits in with the car.

Stopping the car, he jumps out, and Adolf climbs out also to see what is going on. The chauffeur, very distressed by what he's done asks Hitler what they should do, and Hitler tells him impatiently that they're in a hurry and they should move the pig to the side of the road and go to the address and worry about it later.

All the way to the address the chauffeur, who is a fairly good-hearted person despite his employer, is worried about the family who owned the pig and wondered how they'd react to discovering the pig, so when they arrived he asked Hitler whether he shouldn't drive back to the farm and let them know what happened.

Hitler agrees before hurrying to the podium, and the Chauffeur hurries back down the road.

Four hours later, stumbling down the road, his arms full of sausage and bread and his breath smelling of liquor.

Hitler in a rage demands to know what has happened to him, and the chauffeur explains, "I did what I thought was right. I went to the farm where I killed the pig. When I went and knocked on the door and gave them the news, they gave me this sausage and bread, fed me the best ale I've ever tasted and let me have their way with their beautiful nubile young daughter and then sent me on my way."

Adolf seemed confused by this and asks his chauffeur, "well what exactly did you tell them?"

To which the chauffeur replied "I really can't understand it either, all I did was tell them "I'm Hitler's Chauffeur, and I killed the pig."
 
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